dd1 HATES me! Demands her own way over everything....is driving me INSANE! HELP!

[hairymcclary]

She is 7.
Always been the harder more difficult of my 2 dds. DD2 is 5.

Over the last few weeks she has been particularly hard. We have arguements over every tiny detail. Quite honestly i dont even like her.
Now, i know for sure, the problem behaviour came 1st and the dislike came as a result. But it is quite possible that now we are in a viscous cycle.

Basically if i say "no" and she cant have her own way she gets really mad and viscous. Both verbally and physically. Both ways i feel she forces me into a reaction. The other night i had an hour of it, because i said she had to come in (was dark and all mates gone in).
Its so constant and unbearable at the moment i actually feel like i want to leave home. I think she truly hates me. Its causing extreme friction with me and dp, and poor dd2.
I get "your stupid!", "i hate you!", "your horribe!" approx 50-60 times a day. Over meals, clothes, tv, anything and everything!

Ive tried every angle i can think of to get through to her. Distract and ignore, punishment, talking calmly later, etc etc.
She really likes talking about it later, its her chance to explain and mine. She ends up agreeing and kinda understanding, but she still does it again.

Somethings gotta give here or i dont know what im gonna do.

When I get to the end of my tether with any of my offspring, I usually hand over to dh. Can't you do that? "Dp - our dd says no to me. You deal with it." Conversely, I may take over if there is an altercation between dh and any of dc but that is much less frequent.

Some decisions you make need to be non-negotiable, eg when she has to come inside at the end of the day. We usually find that counting to 5 and then applying sanction if dc has not complied, eg no tv for 24 hours, or not playing out after tea/after school the next day, works for us. You have to be consistent and carry out any threats.

Dp gets equally as irritated and cross.

We do have a consistency but no punishment is working and its all got out of hand where she is still paying for being naughty the day before while she is recieving the current punishment.
We count to 3 instead of 5. At number 3 she turns into devil child.
It can be in public too, which is always even harder.

I have a 7 year old. They are all different. Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. As well as punishing bad behaviour, are you also rewarding good behaviour and giving her time on your terms?

Also, can you give her some responsibility? Expectation of duties, offset by rewards and perks for being the older, more responsible child?

Hairymclary, are you me? I am having the exact same with my DD. She hates me. I'm the worst mummy ever, I'm ruining her life and it's just NOT FAIR!!!!
Then we have a conversation and a cuddle, she promises to try harder to listen to me/not hate me etc. and 5 minutes after we start again!
I know how to deal with it in theory, I'm an expert with other people's children, but can I deal with my own? No! How many reward charts can 1 house have running at any one time anyway?
But I love her really, she's asleep and looks like an angel (until I try to get her up for school in the morning).

Do you know, before I clicked on this thread I thought, I bet her DD is seven.
DD2 was like this A LOT last year. She is 8 now and not nearly so bad. It was really awful - DH coped particularly badly because he would go head to head with her and end up sounding like a seven year old himself. I would just say - I am not talking to you until you calm down and walk away. I have explained to her that everyone has a temper and she needs to learn to control it, and she seems to understand that.
She still blows a gasket from time to time but usually comes and apologises now when she has calmed down.

My dd is 7 and just like this - people have told me that girls go through a bad hormonal stage at this age. I hope she grows out of it!

Nothing I do works.

She screamed at me in the park the other day infront of other mums that she was "going to come over and smack your bum". She frequently does hit me. Tells me that she hates me, etc. Last night I was "fired".

When she's in a good mood she's sweet and lovely, all cuddles and telling me how much she loves me. She just seems to have such a short fuse lately and it can all turn bad very quickly.

Thanks for all your replies.

I guess, by the sounds of it, its just a phase. I hope to god it is, because i dont know how much more i can take.

Hopefully, if she gets it all out of her system now she may be more content as a teenager?! One can only hope.

Thanks again, it reassuring to know im not alone

It's a phase - my DD went through it and boy it was wearing - but right now (10) she is the most cuddlesome and loving little girl in the world. She still rules her brother with a rod of iron though.

hairy - It sounds in OP like your DD has gotten used to treating you like a mate she doesn't particularly like, someone she can treat with contempt, insult, and get away with it - "you're stupid", "I hate you" etc.

I don't mean to sound patronising, and know each person/family/relationship is different, but you probably should act a bit more like an authority figure. We are told these days that we should 'ignore' bad behaviour but I'm not sure that is wise. Would you be able to call your own mother these things? If not, is it because she would never ignore this behaviour? Children always test their limits and it's a parent's prerogative to set those limits.

I had exactly the same with DD1 last year. She was 7. Now it isnt as bad but occasionaly her temper gets the better of her. But unfortunately she is a copy of me so it gets interesting!

Interesting that it could be a phase typical for girls around this age. DD is 7 also, and we've had a few fairly surprising 'out of character' moments recently. Not sure if it's a power struggle, trying on assertiveness at home by attempting to be 'bossy' with me, or what exactly.

Yesterday morning before school was so extreme as to be comical (in retrospect, that is) - all began with dd announcing at 6.30 AM that she wanted me to make her a bowl of popcorn before breakfast. I declined and things escalated (or deteriorated) from there......

DS (8) has had various moments like these, I can get VERY stressed with him, but I have found it helpful to try and resist the urge to say 'no', immediately. it's not always practical, but saying maybe '5 more minutes' if its bedtime/time to come in from playing; or 'we need to do X first [cleaning, whatever], then we can do X [what t is that you want to do, going to park, etc].

I do think this is a prime age for anger and temper. They are becoming much more independent and want to do what they want to do.

It seems she really enjoys your chats after the event, so maybe that's the key with her? Is it possible you haven't changed the way you speak/deal with her, since she was much younger? It might be worth always approaching things from the point of view of having a chat, and coming to a joint decision about what's going to happen. Not saying no if you can avoid it but explaining more...getting her on your side and working with you if possible..

then if she is being totally rude or immature, you've got the strategy of the disappointed look and letting her know that she will be treated as a younger child if she can't keep up the reasonable negotiation.

I certainly don't think it's reasonable for a child to be calling you names.

But I do think maybe it comes from her because she feels powerless and she is ready for more responsibility and being treated more as someone who can negotiate rather than being 'told'

I had a thought provoking chat with dd's teacher a few weeks ago, and we touched on this subject. She's been teaching 7 year old children for 20+ years, and said that in the last 5 years there has been a noticeable change in the behaviour of the children in her classroom.

She put it down to some/all of the following:

• Lack of routine - children's schedules often have to be more flexible when both parents work outside the home (as many do by choice and economic necessity). Also conflicting/overlapping schedules with siblings can conspire to create a lack of routine.
• Children are busy/overscheduled. Many are doing too many after school clubs, and there is little time to daydream, play, and relax.
• Many children are staying up too late (especially on school nights) and are overtired - dd's teacher said about 25% of the class claim to go to bed when their parents do!
• Many children are watching films/telly shows/playing video games that are not age appropriate in terms of violence/sexual content etc. It can create a (false) maturity and/or bravado beyond their years, and blurs boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour for children of their age.
• Many of us had dictatorial and/or punitive parents - that was an 'acceptable' parenting style not so long ago. We know that is not how we want to interact with our own children. Our children are accustomed to being given choices or having input into their lives/routines. It can make them independent thinkers and assertive too - but also can make it difficult for them to accept a firm 'no' - they often argue and/or try to negotiate rather than doing as they're told.

(Whew - that was a bit of an essay!)

Maybe all of those things combined with hormones, increasing independence and being tired at this point in the school year make it quite challenging to be a 7 year old, and to be the parent of a 7 year old!

Ooops - looks as if my 'essay' killed the thread!