Please please, how can I help ds1 to control his anger?

[TooTicky]

He is nearly 9, has always had angry tendencies and lashes out. It has to stop!!
Help!

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I think you need to give more details - what sort of situations make him lash out? eg is it when he feels embarrassed or picked on or frustrated because he's not allowed to do something?

Is there a lot of high emotion in your family or are you generally calm and quiet?

Paint a picture and you will get better responses, I think x

Okay, if somebody disagrees with him, sits where he was sitting, is found to be using something of his without permission, winds him up - and numerous other situations - he will lash out. There is no negotiation stage.
He says he cannot change himself, and he really does need help which I don't know how to give.

Dp is a shouty type, I am calmer. Four children in the house so things can get fraught at times.

erm... DS2 (8) has been like this a bit, more weepy and not coping/melting whenever the smallest thing is not exactly how he wants ...

I made an agreement with him that we had to retrain his brain so that he didn't have that reaction. And that every time he acted like that he would have to go and sit on the stairs for a time out for 45 secons. He agreed to the plan, and we did it. It really seemed to help....

TT - got to go and pay DH some attention. Will come back to this tomorrow xx

Thanks Fletchaaaaar, that's interesting.

The other thing about it was he was watching the brain training prog on CBBC in the mornings before school - so he went for the idea even more easily

but doing it with his prior agreement was the thing. He understood why we were taking the measures we were and had agreed to it up front

Oh yes, my dcs liked that - lots of talk about amygdalas and things
Thing is, I don't want ds1 to know how clueless I am about this in case it worries him more - I want a nice sensible strategy to present to him.
I wish there were anger management courses for children around here!!

does he recognise that there is a problem - I spoke to him a few times before about his behaviour and how it was making things difficult for him and the rest of us

and then said shall we try this to see if we can change it - and he did want to change it, because he didn't like it either

Hmm, yes. The heat of the moment changes everything though, doesn't it? He thinks it is impossible to change atm

I've been lurking for a bit so thought i'd wander in to post something, my DS1 is 7, and the teacher came out with him last friday to say he'd bitten someone - again
He gets a real angry 'red mist' landing on him, and he absolutely loses the plot. Apparently another child had said something he didn't like and then she kept on doing it. if someone does or says something that upsets him, he knows to say "please don't do/say that, it's making me {whatever -sad/upset/annoyed etc}". This was to stop him from hitting people straight off cos he was pissed off, and yes he does it and it works. It basically bought him time and made him feel more in control. The problem now is that if like the child did the other day, he's not listened to, then the same old red mist turns up and he really gets angry and can't see any sense or reason

Could he visualise his anger, TooT? Like actually seeing a red mist when he starts to feel it? Then he could try to 'see through' it and that might give him the pause he needs for the first impulse to lash out to go away. It would be something you'd have to practise with him - role-playing situations, possibly previous actual ones.

Yes, buying time would be good Gigglewitch. People do tend to wind up angry children, don't they?

Bero - I could try, although he never actually wants to talk about anything. He might need this to come from somebody he actually respects.

dh (psychologist) co-ran a conflict resolution thing with 9-10yos once. That was here in Germany, though. I don't know whether they discussed any individual echniques for managing anger, but you need something like that.

Do you feel he doesn't respect you? - I think if he is saying to you he can't change, doesn't know how, he might eb receptive to your suggestions?

Do you think he might go for a CBT-ish type thing?

Thanks Bero.

He certainly doesn't respect me when he's angry, and I seriously wonder if he does at other times.

Remind me, what is CBT? I am hopeless with abbreviations