How do I address this with DD

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

TinyMouseTheatre · 26/01/2025 09:30

Is she being assessed for ADHD and what strategies have you got in place to help her to regulate?

If she does have ADHD she's probably functioning at about 8 year old maturity.

I would talk her through why it was wrong, both the taking and the lying, but also remember her possible immaturity and wrap the parcels myself next time.

Then next time you're out and she asks for something the obvious answer is no with a brief reminder of why...

JessicaRabbit6 · 29/01/2025 00:29

EllyMcBelly · 24/01/2025 10:19

Parenting advice pretty please… Last night I took DD (11) to superdrug to get gifts for a couple of her friends who have birthdays. There was a body mist she wanted so I treated her. She wrapped them herself but looking at the parcels I queried if she’s wrapped everything as one seemed smaller than I had expected. She looked hurt and said of course, and why would I think she hadn’t… I pointed out that given I’d also bought the body mist for her I’d be very disappointed if she’d kept part of it for herself.
Today I took some recycling out and lo and behold the box is out in the recycling! I then looked in her room (which I really don’t want to do) and found the items…

I’m MAD! I want to give her the opportunity to admit and apologise - a lesser consequencce if she does that. But. I am worried I’ll go too hard or too soft - I’m more interested in her realising why it’s not ok than simply learning to hide shit better…

Background. She's just started Senior school after a rocky time in juniors. She's dyslexic and likely ADHD. She really doesn't want for much and I think that adds to my disappointment, I bought her a body mist even though it's just after xmas and she didn't need it (or the items she kept for herself - also body mists)
WWYD?

I’m diagnosed adhd and when I was 11 I was going into Tesco stealing makeup…without any remorse. I still don’t have remorse. I was young. I won’t comment on the now. at least she didn’t steal from the shop, she might of thought her friend didn’t deserve all the items. Our brains work in a strange way. Also it might have been an impulsive decision. The recycling trick was great tho 😂😂 she will hide it better with age.

mellymoop · 29/01/2025 00:32

Well for starters I would remove what she ‘stole’ as well as the spray you got her plus something else she values and donate it to charity or bin it.

HoraceCope · 29/01/2025 05:31

i would talk to her about it, tell her you are disappointed,

BeWittyRobin · 29/01/2025 06:32

Oh we’ve been there and done that, not exactly the same but it involved lying. What I would say is lying is normal child behaviour as in children lie for survival to lessen their punishment but in theory it makes punishments worse. I always have said to mine if you are gunna lie think is it really worth getting caught. In this instance it really wasn’t worth it. Children act on impulse this seems very impulsive with little thought.

my main focus would be making sure she is aware of what one lie can do, it makes you not trust her or believe anything she says. I’d give her one last opportunity to admit the truth ensuring she is aware that you already know the truth if she continues to lie despite the gracious opportunity you are given her if come down harder on her. Taken said items along with the body must you thought her. Regardless I’d take the items from the gifts from her ensure they are wrapped and given to the friend/s. And then grounding or similar for the lying. Then I’d make sure going forward you make sure anything she has says even if you know it’s the truth you make a point that you don’t believe her how can you because she’s lied xx

CosyLemur · 29/01/2025 07:14

EllyMcBelly · 24/01/2025 10:19

Parenting advice pretty please… Last night I took DD (11) to superdrug to get gifts for a couple of her friends who have birthdays. There was a body mist she wanted so I treated her. She wrapped them herself but looking at the parcels I queried if she’s wrapped everything as one seemed smaller than I had expected. She looked hurt and said of course, and why would I think she hadn’t… I pointed out that given I’d also bought the body mist for her I’d be very disappointed if she’d kept part of it for herself.
Today I took some recycling out and lo and behold the box is out in the recycling! I then looked in her room (which I really don’t want to do) and found the items…

I’m MAD! I want to give her the opportunity to admit and apologise - a lesser consequencce if she does that. But. I am worried I’ll go too hard or too soft - I’m more interested in her realising why it’s not ok than simply learning to hide shit better…

Background. She's just started Senior school after a rocky time in juniors. She's dyslexic and likely ADHD. She really doesn't want for much and I think that adds to my disappointment, I bought her a body mist even though it's just after xmas and she didn't need it (or the items she kept for herself - also body mists)
WWYD?

For starters anyone that says ADHD means you steal and have no remorse is absolutely lying and using it as an excuse. I say this as a parent to 2 children ADHD with ASD and Dyslexia as well as being an adult with those things too.
Secondly you need to punish her even if she has ADHD and Dyslexia. If you don't then it'll get worse and she will start taking things from others, from shops and she will end up getting arrested.
She's basically stolen from her friend, and then lied to you.

DontBeADick11 · 29/01/2025 07:25

CosyLemur · 29/01/2025 07:14

For starters anyone that says ADHD means you steal and have no remorse is absolutely lying and using it as an excuse. I say this as a parent to 2 children ADHD with ASD and Dyslexia as well as being an adult with those things too.
Secondly you need to punish her even if she has ADHD and Dyslexia. If you don't then it'll get worse and she will start taking things from others, from shops and she will end up getting arrested.
She's basically stolen from her friend, and then lied to you.

Show quote history

What kind of parent do you want to be? When they mess up, do you want them to think “oh shit, I’m in trouble, I better call mum/dad theyll
know what to do”… or “oh shit, I’m
in trouble, my mum/dad are going to go mad”

Because the response from this person will give you the latter

Iroll · 29/01/2025 07:30

I would just ask her, I know you kept the mist, I am not angry, just upset that you felt you couldn't be honest with me, I just want to understand. You don't need to lie to me, I always have your best interests at heart.

There is obviously something going on, I would rather know, then trying to get her to admit she lied.

BuildbyNumbere · 29/01/2025 07:30

DontBeADick11 · 29/01/2025 07:25

What kind of parent do you want to be? When they mess up, do you want them to think “oh shit, I’m in trouble, I better call mum/dad theyll
know what to do”… or “oh shit, I’m
in trouble, my mum/dad are going to go mad”

Because the response from this person will give you the latter

Show quote history

So what … you can never discipline your child for bad behaviour in case they don’t tell you stuff when their older???
Or that she told her anyway … she was going out.
This doesn’t make much sense and maybe is the reason there are so many out of control kids about today … parents too scared to get them under control … or can’t be bothered!

TheSnootiestFox · 29/01/2025 07:36

DontBeADick11 · 29/01/2025 07:25

What kind of parent do you want to be? When they mess up, do you want them to think “oh shit, I’m in trouble, I better call mum/dad theyll
know what to do”… or “oh shit, I’m
in trouble, my mum/dad are going to go mad”

Because the response from this person will give you the latter

Show quote history

Exactly this. I say this as an adult diagnosed with ADHD and a parent who went mad at me for breathing in the wrong way 🙄 I on the other hand have a completely different relationship with my sons, and have made a point of being the parent they can ring who'll know what to do. Because I want them to seek help if they need it and not end up dead in a ditch because they thought I'd go mad.

OP, just replace the body mist, they're pence to buy and wrap the gift yourself. Then ask her why she would lie to you, but you still love her and its OK, and see what she says. It'll have been either a plan all along to get more body mist from you or an impulse thing that she now can't get herself out of.

TheSnootiestFox · 29/01/2025 07:39

BuildbyNumbere · 29/01/2025 07:30

So what … you can never discipline your child for bad behaviour in case they don’t tell you stuff when their older???
Or that she told her anyway … she was going out.
This doesn’t make much sense and maybe is the reason there are so many out of control kids about today … parents too scared to get them under control … or can’t be bothered!

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Or just pick their battles because kids are for life, not just for telling off, and they play the long game. Especially if those kids are ND. Nobody died it was a cheap body mist.

Botanybaby · 29/01/2025 07:45

JessicaRabbit6 · 29/01/2025 00:29

I’m diagnosed adhd and when I was 11 I was going into Tesco stealing makeup…without any remorse. I still don’t have remorse. I was young. I won’t comment on the now. at least she didn’t steal from the shop, she might of thought her friend didn’t deserve all the items. Our brains work in a strange way. Also it might have been an impulsive decision. The recycling trick was great tho 😂😂 she will hide it better with age.

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Please don't pretend that just because you have ADHD hat stealing is ok it's insulting to those who actually have ADHD and are not just revolting folk who happily steal

And to laugh about it saying this child will get better at stealing and hiding with age is gross

BuildbyNumbere · 29/01/2025 07:48

TheSnootiestFox · 29/01/2025 07:39

Or just pick their battles because kids are for life, not just for telling off, and they play the long game. Especially if those kids are ND. Nobody died it was a cheap body mist.

Show quote history

My comment wasn’t really relevant to this DD but what the response was didn’t make sense.

HT2222 · 29/01/2025 08:31

Get the box out and put it on the table between you for a chat. Give her the chance to explain/be honest.

Obviously still take the items away, she has to wrap them and give them to her friend (unless they have been used - either way, she doesn't get to keep them)

Lurkingonmn · 29/01/2025 08:33

I think this is a perfect opportunity for the "i'm disappointed in you" conversation. You know the truth but the lying is the issue. When my parents were disappointed in me that was so much worse than any other thing. I guess it depends on the kid/parents though.
Sit down calmly. Explain you found something and it isn't about the stuff, it's about the lie. Ask her if she can explain why she lied. Might be worth having a conversation about honesty and trust. Ask her if she thinks she should be allowed to keep the items given how she got them? What about the mist you got her as a treat? Does she deserve treats when she lies?
I think her reaction to the talk will help you decide what to do.

AliciaSoo · 29/01/2025 11:10

EllyMcBelly · 24/01/2025 10:19

Parenting advice pretty please… Last night I took DD (11) to superdrug to get gifts for a couple of her friends who have birthdays. There was a body mist she wanted so I treated her. She wrapped them herself but looking at the parcels I queried if she’s wrapped everything as one seemed smaller than I had expected. She looked hurt and said of course, and why would I think she hadn’t… I pointed out that given I’d also bought the body mist for her I’d be very disappointed if she’d kept part of it for herself.
Today I took some recycling out and lo and behold the box is out in the recycling! I then looked in her room (which I really don’t want to do) and found the items…

I’m MAD! I want to give her the opportunity to admit and apologise - a lesser consequencce if she does that. But. I am worried I’ll go too hard or too soft - I’m more interested in her realising why it’s not ok than simply learning to hide shit better…

Background. She's just started Senior school after a rocky time in juniors. She's dyslexic and likely ADHD. She really doesn't want for much and I think that adds to my disappointment, I bought her a body mist even though it's just after xmas and she didn't need it (or the items she kept for herself - also body mists)
WWYD?

I'd say tell her you'd like to speak with her, and seat her down and calmly.
Start perhaps telling her the truth, that you were out taking the recycling and saw the wrapping.

I wouldn't particularly add that you looked into her room unless strictly necessary..

Just go straight to, if it was something you wanted I would have liked for you to speak to me about it.

Please know that you CAN speak to me about this things and you can trust hat I WILL listen to you, the same way that I know that you will trust me with your wants and worries when you have them.

Mention that you gave her an opportunity to tell her the truth this morning and you queried the smaller wrapping and that she made a mistake.
Everyone makes mistakes and she needs to learn from her mistake.

Tell her you trust next time she will speak to you if there's anything she'd like, rather than thinking she could get away with it because she wasn't going to get caught...
I think this explanation about honesty is rather appropriate.

Good luck!

YouknowIknowbest · 29/01/2025 13:41

I think I am going against the grain here, but I’d react with my daughter as “what are you like” 🙄 and then try and find out why?

It’s not a major incident so there is no need to make a huge deal about it.

I’ve never overreacted with anything my kids have done and we have very good and transparent relationships and they’re both model teens/adults who know right from wrong.

Does your daughter have access to money and opportunities to buy things for herself? Maybe she just wanted to treat herself? Understanding the why in a calm way with no judgement would be my first step.

HarLace1 · 29/01/2025 21:55

Sorry i think I am reading this wrong, but you said u treated your daughter to the mist, so what exactly has she done wrong?.

DiduAye · 30/01/2025 14:49

HarLace1 · 29/01/2025 21:55

Sorry i think I am reading this wrong, but you said u treated your daughter to the mist, so what exactly has she done wrong?.

The daughter had kept stuff that was bought as a gift for friends

Doone22 · 30/01/2025 20:34

If you make a big deal she's just going to hide it better next time.
You absolutely have to keep your reaction low key if you decide to notice at all.
She's nearly an adult. Let her alone to make her own mistakes and judgements and poor decisions. She's still going to learn. Isn't life about learning for yourself?
It reminds me (very slightly) of accompanying my 12yr old to a shop where they refunded his pc game return but forgot to take the game off him. Outside he noticed and asked me what to do. I said do whatever you want. He took it back in. The lady on till didn't even say thanks. She just took it and ignored him. I was fuming. It taught him not to bother doing the right thing.

BeWittyRobin · 20/02/2025 07:31

DontBeADick11 · 29/01/2025 07:25

What kind of parent do you want to be? When they mess up, do you want them to think “oh shit, I’m in trouble, I better call mum/dad theyll
know what to do”… or “oh shit, I’m
in trouble, my mum/dad are going to go mad”

Because the response from this person will give you the latter

Show quote history

Erm, your comment to me is a little confusing. I think there is a huge difference in being angry with your child and scaring them, talking about abusive reaction and being cross and punishing them for THEIR behaviours and THEIR actions and wrong doings. As parents arent we the ones who are suppose to teach our children actions have consequences?! And negative behaviour well leads to negative consequences that they won’t like but is a life lesson.

Letting children lie and take without consequences personally is showing that that is ok?! I know which kinda parent is like to be, the one whose children yes mess up, and are punished but then understand the consequences and learn and won’t do it again