Not getting any

[Hanksy]

Me (m37) and my partner (f30) use to have great sex and we did a bit of swinging that was lots of fun then we had a child and sex died off a bit which I understand it's not going to be the same after a child but it's gone from sex most nights to hardly anything. I could count on my hands how many times we had sex last year. We have been trying for another baby, but even that was a quickie when ovulating. She's lost confidence in her body since having a child but I'm doing everything I can to help her see she has a great body but I'm running out of ideas and I also have needs, I'm so horny all the time it's getting to the point where I'm thinking of looking elsewhere for it but I dont want to do that.

Has anyone else been in this situation, and how did you handle it?

Have you spoken to her about it (being very careful that it's from a supportive, how can I help, perspective and not sounding like a demand or an accusation)? What does she think might help?

I obviously can't know what would help her as an individual, but having known a number of people who've gone through similar things, I can throw out some ideas. If it's body confidence, is she getting enough time to do things for her own health or appearance, so she's happier in her own skin? Is she so time-poor that her diet isn't what she would like it to be? Again, be careful this is offers to help – it won't help if she thinks you're getting on her case about not going to the gym enough, but if she used to go for a run three times a week, are you looking after little one regularly so that she has that opportunity? If you're time-poor and meals aren't the healthiest, can you work together to plan some better ones or try Hello Fresh or Gousto Box or whatever?

It might also be broader than just her body. Is she exhausted? Who handles any night wakes or early mornings? Do you have equal free time, after paid work, chores, life admin, and looking after little one are taken into account? If she's on a treadmill of always multitasking, always thinking of the next five things on the to do list, it's hard to switch that off and focus on sex. Has paying attention to each other as individuals kind of fallen by the wayside because you're both busy? Some people need sex or physical intimacy to feel loved and cared about, but some people are the other way round, they need to feel loved and cared about before they want sex/physical intimacy.

She's tired all the time but was before we had a child. I dont go on at her or demand things, I give her all the space and help she needs, we share all childcare and I do most of the chores around the house. She keeps saying her mind wants sex but her body doesn't or the other way around. Iv tried pretty much everything and helped her in anyway I can but when we do have sex it's just in bed 5 mins then done. I know it won't be like it was before just want a little more than a quickie once in a blue moon

Did you mean to post this in this discussion board? 😂

Didn't know where to post it was looking but couldn't find anything that related so just picked anything

I would offer couple therapy to my husband if we had similar problem. Is that an option?

Maybe something i could suggest if things carry on

From the perspective of an exhausted mum of 2, the last thing on my mind is sex. After a full day of being touched out and needed on by kids, I just want some space. I understand that it is hard for the other partner, especially if they're super horny all the time.

Could you maybe arrange more date nights or weekends away (without baby) so that you and your partner can just solely focus on each other?

If that's not possible maybe try and have some quality time together during the week, e.g. shower time each night or something? ;)