17mo - Worsening aggressive behaviour

[MamaMur]

My 17mo DS is VERY energetic, very intelligent and 99 percentile so very strong and big. He’s always been a hitter but lately his behaviour has taken a total nosedive.

He hits, throws, scratches, and pulls hair REALLY hard which aside from being very painful and annoying, is worrying me as it seems a lot worse than his peers at nursery. Nursery themselves have noted he regularly engages in “risky play” and it’s a regular worry that he hurts himself or others with his actions.

His dad and I have tried telling him off (he laughs and continues) or holding his arms to his side when he hits (then he will headbutt me instead). We’ve tried redirecting and distracting as well, but it just seems to be getting worse.

I’m sick of the aggression as it is but with it getting worse I’m hoping some of you can help :(

He generally isn’t aggressive when he wants something or is upset, he just seems to think it’s funny

He generally isn’t aggressive when he wants something or is upset, he just seems to think it’s funny

It's difficult if you can't see a pattern as most guides on hitting like this onee* suggest that there may be a trigger like tiredness or hunger or maybe even frustration with communicating.

How is his sleep? Does he get the recommend amount?

And how did he score on his 12 month check?

The 18 month Ages & Stages is here if you want to fill it in and score it, just to check that he's on track. He's not supposed to score white in every area but if he's scoring grey in more than two areas or black in any area then come back and we can advise on what to do next

my boy is now just over 2 and has displayed some hitting, pushing and hair pulling behaviour, i often notice its either when he is overstimulated - someone plays energetically with him and he goes over bored, or when he is feeling frustrated, usually about wanting my attention when i am not focusing on him..

At first we took the empathy route - i fake cry, he says sorry (used the baby sign) and kisses me better, he would then sometimes hit straight away again (experimental I believe) and we repeat the sorry and kiss cycle.. nowadays I also see he just thinks the fact that he gets a reaction is funny and empathy goes out the window, so last night - as crazy as this may sound, we were bathing together and playing calmly and I get a smack in the face, i smacked him back in the same way, not hard obviously. He was DISTRAUGHT at the fact that I had done this but i over and over again said - i know you didnt like that, mommy doesnt like that either.. we went through the ‘sorry montions’ and 5 mins later he does it again, i told him sternly that if he does it to me again I will do it back and he didn't do it again.. i have a similar experience with a child who had a biting problem- he wouldn’t stop and bit other kids and me and eventually i bit him back.. it never happened again.
i think sometimes kids need to realise when they have crossed a serious boundary, hitting and biting me is a serious hill i am willing to die on..

Hi, I’ve filled in the questionnaire and he scored white in every area.

I have noticed on occasion that he seems overstimulated and removing him from the environment for a short time helps him calm down. I’ve taught him how to do “deep breaths” very recently which at least gives me something to do when he gets aggressive.

I do wonder if the trouble is just that he has no understanding of the impact of his actions?

Taking a time out with him is a very good idea, my son really benefits, he has a dummy, only at sleep time but for those moments I let him have it to self soothe and we lay down and sometimes read a book.. theres a range of books called Grumpy Monkey and is quite relatable for a child feeling frustrated so i read that after a meltdown and talk him through his own reaction of being overwhelmed or feeling ‘grumpy’

yeah i think youre right - as long as he keeps thinking its a game or funny, he hasnt quite realised the consequence of what he is doing.