Our son just turned 4. For context we had our second a month ago.
I'm struggling so much with him right now and feel awful about it. I actually feel so angry with him, I'm really trying not to raise my voice but the calmer I am the more he finds ways to get me to lose it - for example this afternoon punching me in the still raw and swollen caesarean scar and jabbing at his sister's eyes whilst I was feeding her in public.
When were at home we use time outs for any violence or accidental endangering of his sister. We explain why we are doing this. When we are out in public I truly have no idea what to do and I'm so ashamed of his behaviour. I'll try to give an idea of what kind of thing below.
He doesn't listen. I mean pathologically, everything I say is quite literally ignored, including nice things. It's like I don't exist. He will talk to me but doesnt seem capable of hearing or acknowledging a single word that comes out of my mouth. When he talks he will often interrupt me or anyone else and if we don't respond immediately he shouts, whines and screams. Often if we do answer he just repeats himself or ignores us and changes the subject.
He is hyper, won't eat food (the only thing he will reliably eat is fish fingers, even this he runs around whilst eating). He takes about 2 hours to eat a single meal unless we constantly badger, bribe or spoon feed him. Even then it takes constant effort and engagement from us to get him to eat. He also won't go to the toilet until he is beyond desperate. He screams if I ask him if he needs the toilet, he can be holding the end of his willy, shuffling side to side, having had a small accident and clearly desperate - he won't go. When he is like this he becomes even more hyper and he gets aggressive and his behaviour degrades. He will often run up and just punch you for no reason, barrel into you etc. He will also barrel into inanimate objects hurting himself, he grabs things and empties them onto the floor then will almost absent mindedly just walk all over them and just breaks things all the time.
He's an intelligent boy, and he has previously been a lovely charming boy, I don't know what has happened to my lovely boy. If I'm honest I am not enjoying any of my time spent with him. I find the ignoring really triggering, it's so incredibly rude. He directs all of his attention to his dad and purposely ignores me. But the attention he gives his dad isn't exactly great, it's mainly whining or demanding, as well as the occasional punching or kicking, especially around the groin area. But at least his dad gets some nice interactions with him too so it's a mixture. I only get being ignored at the moment or told to go away. After weeks of this it's really starting to affect me.
When we are out in public he ignores other people, deliberately calls them the wrong name, grabs and pulls them around etc. it's humiliating how rude and out of control he is. He has taken to running away even into the road a couple of times. There was a close call with a car earlier today - and I have no idea how to deal with that. What do we do? We speak kindly until we have to raise our voice. Raising voices aggravates him massively so that he screams and thrashes out at us, but he will push things until I feel I have no choice - ignoring my politely asking him to stop, ignoring ultimatums with clear consequences, and when he punched me in the caesarean earlier today I screamed out in pain and everyone turned to look at me, it was hugely humiliating. And then following that - what was I supposed to do? There is no naughty step in public - how do I deal with this type of violent or endangering (including self endangering) behaviour? If he grabs aggressively at his sister I have no choice but to shout, I'm so scared he will hurt her with his erratic hyper behaviour where he has no body awareness (I don't think he intends to endanger her but he will jump around all around her and ignore me and escalate the behaviour when I intervene rasing my voice for him to stop). I'm fully aware it's my job to keep him safe I just have no idea how to do that. Am I supposed to be watching him every single second and ready to run and literally grab him to hold him down or away from a road? He is 4, he has not run into roads before. He is a child, not a toddler.
I'm at my wits end and I honestly don't like who he is at the moment and if someone told me I could just go on holiday with my wonderful baby for a month and leave him behind for someone else to deal with I would be so tempted.
I'm feeling really bleak and can't see an end in sight to this behaviour which is making me miserable. I'm crying right now writing this after he's gone to bed and I'm just sat quietly trying to think of a way I can stay positive, but I find myself thinking what if he is just one of those kids who changes forever when a sibling comes along? What if I become one of those parents who doesn't even like her own child? What if he becomes a horrible person who is incapable of having healthy friendships and relationships? Or what if he runs into the road tomorrow and gets run over?
I'm pretty sure I have inattentive ADHD if that's relevant. I'm undiagnosed so don't know much about it ie in terms of dealing with a child with ADHD. I think my partner could be borderline asd.
How do I deal with this even just looking into the very short term future? How do I have more patience with him? How do you deal with children being consistently incredibly rude to you when you find it (I think anyone would) really triggering? Without any (I mean any) nice interactions for over a month now I am really struggling to stay sane. How do I find the strength to stay calm within myself and not feel the urge to just leave and not even try dealing with him. How do I stay kind and understanding of him when I am just truly feeling he's being a horrible person at the moment? Is there any way I can get back to enjoying my child's company? How do I protect myself and his sister from his violent erratic behaviour? How do I keep him safe? I'm so glad I got to 4 weeks postpartum before he discovered attacking my scar is a sure way to get a reaction out of me, I've been terrified he will jump on my tummy or something like that this whole time, especially when I was not very mobile at the beginning - his behaviour is so hyper and difficult to predict.
We have been through very difficult phases before. We went through some intense daddy phases where he was so rude and dismissive to me, screaming at me to go away and swiping at my eyes etc. these previous phases lasted months, even over a year once. but he was younger then, I managed to stay calm and kind towards him and back then our strategy was to just share things like bedtimes no matter how much he protested until the phase passed. It feels much more intentional and personal at this age and also I'm sleep deprived and run down looking after his baby sister. He has had mummy phases in the past too but id say overall he is generally a daddy's boy.
Thanks in advance I really am at a low ebb and I hope posting here can bring some valuable advice