Talking about death - at what age will a child understand?

[madamez]

My aunt, who is DS' great aunt, has died. DS is 3.7, what (if anything) will he understand about this? DS and I happened to be at my parents' house when the phone call came and I had to hush DS for a moment or two while my dad passed the call on to my mum.
DS did meet his great aunt last year and apparently yesterday he was looking at the photo of her in the hall (he loves photographs) - anyone else dealt with this? What did you do? We are free from religion so I won't be telling him she's gone to heaven, but do I need to tell him anything at all?

just answer the questions he puts to you as honestly as you can.
we explained it as simply being a part of the cycle of life.

If he is going to the funeral I would explain very factually what is going to happen.

If not, mention that she has died because she was very old (or very ill). DS1 certainly understood about death at this age, and basically I just answered his questions.

He won't be going to the funeral: nor will I as she lived at the other end of the country. I did say to him, Auntie [name] has died but he was more interested in his ice cream at the time and has not asked further questions. Thanks for the tip LS, that's exactly what I will do though, just answer any questions if they come up.

How about something like Auntie has died that means she has gone forever and we loved her very much so we will be sad. But we will think about her and will try to remember happy things so she won't be forgotten. If he asks where do you go when you die, you can say some people believe in heaven but I believe (insert whatever).

When my grandmother died dd asked if she had gone to be an angel! You will probably be surprised at how much he grasps. You may find he is a bit obsessed by it for a while. HTH

if he asks you will want to explain that she has gone away and he cant see her anymore, that people don't come back from being dead

that most people who die are very old or very ill

We have a 3yo who asks lots of questions about this as his older brother died

but as we are free from secularism its different for us

Agree to stress that most people who die are old and/or ill. But also that we know that they are going to die soon. That they had a long and happy life and their body got worn out so they didn't feel sad to die. That's the thing with children - they are scared that other people (including themselves) could die, so it's important to reassure them that this is highly unlikely.

I agree that it's important to be honest, without going into more detail than the child is ready for. One of dh's friends died in an road accident last year; the dds were 2.5 and 4.5 at the time and we explained that our friend (whom they knew) had been accidentally hit by a car and was hurt so badly that his body doesn't work any more and he died. We explained that that means we can never see him again, he's gone and can't feel anything any more and everyone is very sad about that, but we can still remember him and all the good things about him. Dh and I are atheists (friend who died was very atheist too), so we haven't said anything about heaven or afterlife though at a later stage I'll explain that many people believe in an afterlife.

DD2 still remembers our friend and spontaneously talks about him quite often (She brings the subject up), saying that he died she misses him and wishes he could come to visit again. I don't think she's quite grasped the permanency of death though, as the other day she suggested that maybe we could get him back with a fishing rod

DD1 (who's generally more reserved) hasn't talked about it much.

I read a while ago that children need to grasp 3 separate concepts to truly understand death: non-functionality (the body doesn't work any more); irreversibility (no coming back to life); and universality (everyone dies). I don't think I'd want to tell a child this young that everyone dies, though, unless they asked outright.

There is a consoling idea in the picture book 'No Matter What' (Debbie Gliori) where a child-fox asks the mother-fox if she will still love him when they're dead and gone, and the mother talks about how some of the stars in the night sky actually died a long time ago, but we can still see them shining and "love, like starlight, never dies".

Thanks for all this. I think I might sort of leave it as I don't know that it's made much of an impact on DS (he only met her once.) Basically I will not bring the subject up with him unless he mentions it or unless he is going to be spending any time with my parents in the next week or two.

recently i missed carried twins at 18weeks and although my 3year old had never met them he was asking for 2 babies from the start so he was very excited and i found it difficult explaining why they wasnt here anymore. so to explain i told him that mummies babies were very poorly and died so we wouldnt be able to see them i then told him they were now stars in the sky and although we cant always see the stars they are still there it just means there far away playing with all the other poorly babies that died and were now stars. its been such a comfort while ive been down to see him go over to the window and say look mummy daniel and david are here. all kids take things in differently so i suppose its just a matter of what you think he'll understand the most.

I'd stay away from the 'she was poorly' bit and just say she was old. otherwise, they can worry when you, they become ill.

Someone told me to say 'they aren't in this world anymore'.

Some very good posts on this thread.

Children understand so very much. They also know the minute we tell them 'fibs.'

One tip - dont say she has gone to sleep - someone said that to my DS1 about his brother and we struggled for years with him actually getting to sleep.

Just honesty, and answer questions when asked.

tye - have you seen Eris' thread for bereaved mummies. If you want to come over - they are a wonderful bunch of mums helping each other with the grief of the loss of a child. It is also not always sad, we do manage to have a good laugh as well.

Dont know how to link it to here but will put a message on and then it will show up in active conversations

If I remember rightly, children don't fully understand death and that it's a permanent state for many years yet, but the advice here seems really good. You do need to explain and keep it honest and simple, but realistically your DS won't really get it.

This seems to have some good resources.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I rather think that it has gone over DS' head at the moment (aunt lived hundreds of miles away, he only met her once, though my parents are going to the funeral DS and I are not, it has no impact on his daily life) so while I am going to listen out for anything he says that suggests he is worrying or thinking about it, I'm not going to sit him down for a Conversation about Death just yet.

HI
Just wanted to add the advice I was recently been given.
You may remember in November last year 4 firefighters died in Warwickshire. Well, my DH knew 2 of them and is a firefighter himself so we asked DS (aged 3 yrs 9 mths at time) nursery not to discuss it in front of him (we live in a small town where 2 of the firefighters live - it is a v close community so everyone was talking about it)
Turns out someone mentioned it to DS, He came home and asked when daddy was going to die!
WE called the fire servic benevolent fund and they arranged for a trained child councillor to call us. She explained that children struggle to understand about death until they stop believing in fairy tales/santa etc etc. You are right not to talk about any afterlife at this stage as it has apparently caused more propblms as the children feel abandoned in that the person has chosen the afterlife over beong with them. THey don't understand why they can't come back.
We were told only to answer DS questions and not try to sit him down and have a discussion. The most important advice we were given is never lie. When DS asked when daddy was going to die we were told to acknowledge his job could be dangerous but his friends always looked out for him.
Sorry about the long essay - good luck with your LO
Amanda