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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Not sure how to discipline my 4yr old ..

17 replies

Phonicsangel · 01/05/2008 23:41

Hi..Im at my wits end ! I don't know how to discipline my 4yr , in truth i have always given into him but it's got to the point now i can't give into him! He has a really bad temper ( not inherited from me !) which results in having a real temper tantrum over the slightest things like losing at games , not being allowed sweets or to watch something on telly . however i try to reason with him or why he can't have sweets etc he just screams , hits , crys & can go on for a long time .. It's got to the point that he doesn't listen to me at all & has turned into a monster . He hits me , kicks me & threatens to break things in temper & i don't know how to stop it.. He isn't a very good sleeper and a lot of this happens when he gets really tired but it's upsetting me . He is an angel at nursery .. and believe it or not can be a lovely polite little boy but just not lately .
Has anyone got any advice on how i can discipline him .

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LynetteScavo · 01/05/2008 23:48

Be firm and consistant. His behaviour won't change over night, and it won't be easy. If he throws a tantrum place him in his room and tell him he can come out when he's calm. If neccessary sit in the doorway to stop him running out. The less of a reaction he gets for his tantrums the better. If he hits you say very firmly "No hitting"

pofaced · 01/05/2008 23:51

You are the adult/ parent in the raltionship, he's 4. Don't reason with him: tell him consistently and follow Lynnette's advice

LynetteScavo · 01/05/2008 23:51

Distraction might work...sometimes "Oh look at that lorry in the road" can be enough to stop a tantrum in it's tracks (if you're lucky)

LynetteScavo · 01/05/2008 23:53

I agree with don't reason with him. "It's not time for sweets now" should be enough.

Original poster

Phonicsangel · 02/05/2008 00:01

Thanks for the advice i need to be consistent as i do give in ! How would i deal with a situation like tonight he was playing on his computer & kept getting killed so went screaming off in frustration ! when i said thats part of the fun & learning process of the game he screamed & hit me & threatened to break my things because he was angry at losing .

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2008 00:11

Usually I run for cover.

I would have said "Do not hit.. if you behave like that you will not use the computer....then quickly move on to the next activity, (ie bed. )

He sounds like a typical boy, and I've heard so many mums say thire boys react like this to computor games. I find my DS is a lot less angry over driving games than in games where he gets killed.

At 4 boys have a testosterone surge (so I'm told), which relults in them needing to win everything, and generally being a little monster, so hopfully, with your giudence he will come out of this eventually.

If he was born with a temper it's not going to go away, so it's somthing he'll have to learn to deal with.

If he's an angel at nursery, atleast you know there is nothing "wrong" with him.

Original poster

Phonicsangel · 02/05/2008 00:20

Thanks .. Great to get it off my chest as haven't had a good day ..

OP posts:

tye · 02/05/2008 00:30

hi phonicsangel reading this thread with intrest as i have a little boy who turns 4in a weeks time and hes exactly the same. no matter what i do wether it be put im to bed/ tell him off or ignore him he just carrys on. hes also a little angel at nursery always getting star of the day and good reports im sure he just likes to terrorise me.

smartiejake · 02/05/2008 00:32

Sorry? You let a 4 year old play computer games involving killing?

LynetteScavo · 02/05/2008 10:30

Smartiejake, I think you are making a good point, but in a way that might make Phonicsangel feel bad.

Games that involve killing do tend to make boys feel violent, Phonicsagnel, even the lego type ones.

Kid's don't come with a manual - we only learn who to best care for them through life experience!

HonoriaGlossop · 02/05/2008 11:42

I agree that the computer game sounds just more than he can cope with now. He's too little to cope with the frustrations it makes him feel. If this were me I would find that the computer had somehow 'broken' for a bit and would keep him on other activities!

His behaviour IS normal, he just needs as I think Lynette said, firm and consistent boundaries - as in, if he hits, he KNOWS he is going to have a minute on his own.

I definitely think you need to choose your battles - don't fight everything, ignore as much annoying behaviour as you can or try to distract him out of it. Obviously hitting or kicking you can't ignore.

Make any consequences immediate and very related to what he's doing - as in 'if you keep banging the telly I will turn it off and you won't be able to watch (favourite prog) rather than 'if you keep banging the telly we won't go and visit nan this weekend' if you see what I mean. I think at this age, if consequences aren't related to the naughtiness, kids feel lots of anger and resentment and it just makes it worse for everyone.

And keep a sense of humour, too, I find boys of this age often have a lovely sense of humour and it can work to jolly them out of a mood, sometimes

wildfish · 02/05/2008 12:53

Every kid is different, and what works with one, may not work with another.

I agree with HG above. Pick your battles. Also deal with each item as it happens - but as HG points out a long term consequence while sounding good, doesn't always play out right, when they've been good in between.

For me, DS also 4, I let him "get away" with some minor points (so he feels he won), but stand and be firm on the more serious ones.
He knows the different tones and while he whines on the smaller, has a go for medium ones, he knows the tone for the absolutely no way acceptable tone and doesn't fight on that one - or hardly ever, and if he does fight a mix between no budging and some consoling (but no budging) is how I handle it.

Personally I don't go for distraction, seems to avoid dealing with it.

wannaBe · 02/05/2008 13:06

what computer games is he playing? The fact the op is saying he gets killed might just mean he's lost or whatever. My ds plays supermario brothers on my dh's ds and when he loses a life he's often said that "oh, I'm dead" but it's certainly not a violent game that involves being killed in the conventional sense of the word.

Op if your ds is playing violent computer games then I would stop him playing them, at all. But regardless of what he's playing I would restrict his use of the computer if it is such a huge cause of his outbursts, and make him earn his computer time rather than feel it is his right, iyswim?

If he gets annoyed at the computer then give him a warning. "I will count to 3, (and you can count fairly slowly over the course of say 30 seconds), and if you have not stopped behaving like that the computer will be switched off and you will not play it for two days. 1... 2..." and if ds stops then, and only then, do you explain that getting so angry over a computer game is unnecessary and will mean he will have less time on it. If however you get to three then you follow through, switch off the computer and don't allow him to play for the time you have specified. If he continues to create, then put him in a safe place, (do you have a downstairs bathroom? that's often a good place as downstairs bathrooms rarely contain items that can be broken), then let him shout it out in there for 5 mins or so. Then go in and say to him that "you were sent here because of your behavior" and then move on.

The key is clear, consistent, firm boundaries. And consequences. breaking things because of a computer game is unacceptable, therefore computer game is withdrawn for a period etc.

good luck xx

slng · 02/05/2008 14:00

The science of parenting (my new bible) says sometimes a child just wants acknowledgement. I've tried that and it works generally - he is disappointed/frustrated/angry and he needs you to acknowledge that and help him cope with it. (Easier said than done !)

Also agree too much (what is too much? That's the question!) computer/tv turns little angels into zombies at best(?) and demons at worst!

cory · 02/05/2008 14:09

Wise words have been said by everybody above. I would just add that half the battle is won if he knows that you are not frightened by his temper tantrums. After all, it is unlikely that a 4 yo, even in a violent tantrum, could hurt you that badly if you tried to stop him. I would ignore any screaming, if he tries to hit hold his arms and/or put him in a place where he can't get at you. Biting can be parried by holding both arms just above the elbow and pulling firmly on the them to keep his mouth away from you (oh yes, I have experience!). Kicking by folding your leg over both his, sitting behind him.

A calm face and a firm 'well, I'm not going to let you hurt me, you know' will show him that you are in charge. Won't cure him immediately, but over time things should start getting better.

Picking battles is good. But the most important is not to give in once signs of tantrum are imminent.

Original poster

Phonicsangel · 02/05/2008 21:55

Thanks for all your advice & words of wisdom i will take on board your ideas & definately be more consistent in my dealing with bad behaviour. I will also minimise the computer use as the unwanted behaviour seems to be focused around him playing the computer! When i said about him dying , I mean losing a life not as in violently dying in the game he only plays a couple of games & they are 3 plus.. Thanks again ..

OP posts:

pollypot · 05/05/2008 21:53

Things that work for me are creating a 'special place' where they can go and calm down - in our case a blanket on the sofa.

I find it is often difficult to use consequences effectively, sometimes it is hard to find a logical consequence.

Star or sticker charts work really well for me, but I make it as easy as possible to get the stickers - any positive/helpful behaviour.

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