Granddaughter Does Not Speak

[NorfolkLady]

Went to my sons on Friday and their daughter of 8 years old just won’t speak to me or my partner. We go inside and she hides behind her mother and won’t communicate. The mother does not tell her to say hello to her grandparents. She won’t interact at all, is this normal? What gets to me is her parents (my son) don’t encourage her to speak to us and let her just not speak? What would you do?

Do you know your Granddaughter well?

Not really, don’t see that often as son and DIL are so insular themselves. You may have a point.

We need more info, OP. What’s the history with your grandchild?

Perhaps she has selective mutism? If so, it would explain why they did not push her.
How many days have you spent with her in the last 8 years?

Not sure there is any history, I don’t see my son that often as he’s so wrapped up in just him, my DIL & their daughter. I think my son sees me, my partner and my ex husband and his partner as just a tick in the box visit a few times a year.

Then perhaps the little girl is shy and finding it hard to speak to you. Could you try to see her more often?

I get that. It may just be shyness, however school reports don’t indicate any issues with being shy. Must just be us? 🤷‍♀️

Is that a thing?

Yes of course it is and it's not something the sufferer can control.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/#:~:text=Selective%20mutism%20is%20an%20anxiety,untreated%2C%20can%20persist%20into%20adulthood.

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/selective-mutism/

November10000, this is exactly it. Thank you.

Thanks all this is really helpful. Reading the info on this, I’m 99.9% sure this is the issue. So WWYD? If the parents are aware of this and have sought treatment, why not be open about it so we can adapt our behaviour on visits?
if the parents have not realised this is a problem how can I raise this with them tactfully?

To be honest, you can't.
If you see them that rarely, you have no idea what they know already, if it's actually a problem in other settings or not.. if she's fine in school it would seem unusual (but not impossible..I work with SN and have worked with a couple of kids with selective mutism)
But.. she doesn't know you! A few tick box visits a year... well, I see my dentist more often than that.. you are essentially strangers to her and if she's shy around unknown adults it may be that her parents simply don't want to pressure her.
Perhaps you could make much more regular contact.. just brief visits, or facetime so she could actually get to know you a little, before diagnosing her with a condition.
I can't imagine not seeing my grandchildren more often unless there was a massive backstory!

Thanks, good advice. No massive backstory, son and DIL are in their own bubble, we live a distance apart so never been asked to babysit or do a school run. Which we would do if required. They just have their own life as do we and make no effort to meet up. In fact they are very difficult to pin down in general. It’s the 3 of them - end of. We’ve tried more contact but always some excuse

I feel there's more to this than you're letting on.
My in laws see my children once a year and make zero effort and the blame is entirely placed on me. In 8 years they visited us 3 times, and after many other serious issues I cut all contact and now my DH facilities a yearly visit. My children don't speak to them much when they're there because they don't know them and are uncomfortable. Why should your granddaughter be forced to communicate with you when she's uncomfortable and barely knows you? It's up to you to make some effort. You say you're never asked to help - offer then. Tbh the fact you started a thread subtly hinting is your son and dil's fault that your granddaughter doesn't speak to you tells me there's a deeper issue here that you need to take some responsibility for.

Well done Nesta for your 2am post probably fuelled by one too many gins! Merry Christmas to you. I started the thread with no knowledge that SM was even a condition. I’d never heard of it. Through the kind help of other MN members I stand corrected that this IS a recognised condition. Last night I watched “my child doesn’t speak” a bbc documentary on iplayer which was very informative.
oh and PS yes we offer all the time! And it’s rejected which I now understand why - to protect the child from any stress or social interactions!

I was up at 2am with my autistic child after a night terror -I also don't drink, due to my In-laws being raging alcoholics and not wanting that around my children, I don't even keep alcohol in my home.

But do crack on - I'm sure your son and daughter In law have pulled back from you for absolutely no reason and that you are angelic in every way.

🩷🩷

Oh and my partner watched “my child doesn’t speak” today. So upsetting. Not your average Christmas Eve movie of choice but had to be done. He’s more upset than me.

Finally seeing our granddaughter this week after being fobbed off by parents. First time since I have recognised from this thread that SM is a thing. Will see how this weeks visit goes