ds who is 5 is jealous of my bump

[sandokan]

he told me so in so many words, cries now when i leave him at school, he had never had separation anxiety. He says he feels nervous about the new baby coming. What can i say to him, beside taht i will always love him, and taht the baby will love him, and that he will love the baby...i feel so broken hearted because he is clearly very sad...

i used to say things like " oh, i do hope you will be able to help me when the baby is here"
"what will i do without you when you are at school?"

i used to make time for him after the twins went to bed - i used to say things like " gosh they cry a lot don't they?"

stuff to bolster his self esteem
he was 3 and he used to totter around bringing me nappies and wipes and putting things in thebin and helping at bath times.

Watching with interest.
I think ds will be very jealous when he sess baby breast feeeding. He is fascinated with the idea that he used to breast feed.

What a sensitive and expressive little boy he is to be able to tell you what he feels about the bump.

I really think it is fine for you to tell him you understand his sadness and nervousness about the changes. He is losing his one to one connection with you(in a way) and, as yet, he can't see any benefits. He doesn't know if he will love the baby.

I think he needs you to sympathise with him as well as encouraging him Custardo style.

Can he speculate with you about what the baby will be like...wriggly... sleepy ..crying..etc. so that it becomes more a real person and less of a bump iyswim?

thank you guys, lots of little ideas - ds never struck me as a sensitive child, but since i got pregnant he seems to have found his emotional world which is good. i think i need to simpathise more with him. today he told me he doesnt' want a baby!

Ds1 is 5 and ds2 is now 15wks.

He wasn't so keen when I told him initially, he couldn't understand as we were already a family, so we told him that as we have so much fun with him we thought it would be nice to let someone else share the fun that ds1 gives to us, then we took a look at how babies are made (loads of books out there) then we went through his baby photos (many times) and we were honest, in that babies cry for communication, it's not all fun, but he could help his brother or sister learn as they got older.
We imagined what the baby might be like, and reminded him how much we loved him and that that it was OK to be nervous (ours was too) about the baby coming (I told him funny stories of times when I was good or not so good as a toddler too and that amused him,)

Do you have siblings so can relate to how you might have felt when younger, we did this too (both DH and I are the eldest.)

When the time came and ds2 arrived, ds1 was very quiet for a few days, couldn't give him eye contact then suddenly something clicked (we kept up the cuddles etc and reminding him how much we loved him) and within a few weeks he completely fell in love with his brother and still bosses me around on what he thinks his brother needs

I am bfeeding too (mixed feeding) and that was a source of curiousity but it didn't put him out especially as to start with he could help by holding his hands apart as I got ds2 latched!!

When are you due? I found as time went on in the pregnancy he did warm up more to the idea.

Has the teacher said anything about any changes?

when i tell ds 'oh you can help when baby comes' he shouts ' i don't want to help...'
baby is coming in august, so still a while. he told the teacher too that he doesn't want a baby brother, lots of times apparently. today he had a huge tantrum on the bus becasue he didnt want to sit on top of me in my seat, by the end of the tantrum he was shouting 'i dont' want you to have a baby' well i am sure he will get used to it one day. we are doing lots of empathising with him etc, might work eventually.

You could maybe talk about how yes, tiny babies are pretty boring and don't do much except breastfeed, but that you'll be able to put the tiny baby in a sling and it'll just come along on expeditions with the two of you, so it won't stop you doing fun things together. And it will be boring when the tiny baby has colic and cries a lot, but that only lasts about 6 weeks.

And that the nice thing about you sitting breastfeeding is that Ds1 can have loads of snuggles and cuddles and stories and your full attention. You could maybe practise that with him, with a doll acting the baby, so he can see how he'll still be able to snuggle in close.

And that once the baby is a year old or a little more, it'll start being really really fun to play with, and will follow your Ds around like a faithful little hound and think he's the best thing on the planet. It will be another person to love and value him.

I think empathising is the way to go.

Of course he doesn't want a baby - why would he? At the moment he is getting all your time and attention, and NO child with a brain is going to want that to change

i think it's a case of keeping him 'on side' as far as you can until he sees for himself (somewhere along the line) that there are nice bits to having a sibling. But be prepared that he may NEVER enjoy having a baby sibling; for a 5 year old they are at best uninteresting and at worst world shatteringly annoying.

If it were me I'd not concentrate at all on the baby, just on him. So rather than 'you can help me' as that seems to upset him, it could be more about things you look forward to doing with him rather than about what he can do with the baby IYSWIM.