Childminder struggling with 12 month old

[ByPearlDeer]

My DS is 12 months old and has been going to his childminders since he was 9 months. For context, he has always been a bit of Velcro baby, total boob monster and a late developer (he’s still not crawling yet, or anywhere near, current waiting referral re this). He’s also not been interested in solids one bit since we started the weaning at 6 months.

His start to childcare has been very up and down. He would never take any milk from her in the beginning and was used to contact naps, but after a lot of perseverance he began sleeping really well in the pram at lunch time for the CM.

Shes made comments in the past about him just wanting to be held all day and requiring a lot of attention. Things started to improve, he began eating more with her and sleeping well. However, in the last couple of months, we’ve moved house, he’s been ill on and off constantly and his dad has had to leave the country temporarily to care for a sick relative, so there’s been a lot of change.

Today when I collected him she said he had been hard work all day, and that she’d never experienced a child like it in all her 20 years of being a CM. Said she just can’t figure out how his brain is wired. Said she would help me push referrals through and if we were put on long waiting lists etc. She said unless it’s the DS show he’s not happy, and basically suggested that we must be too attentive to him as parents and that he needs to learn his needs won’t always be met immediately. She’s hinted at this a few times saying this can be an issue with first time parents.

I know he can be a little difficult and have noticed he is quite different to other babies - always gets very overwhelmed in bigger social situations and doesn’t seem as interested in toys etc, but also feel he must be frustrated by his lack of movement. He is definitely an observer, loves watching processes - like his dad making a coffee and the machine!

I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance that I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m worried that he may have some additional needs that aren’t recognised yet that we aren’t meeting. Would he be better off in a nursery setting?

Have any referrals been made yet @ByPearlDeer? Sorry I wasn't sure from your post

Has he had his 12 month check yet with the HV?

Sorry, yes just realised there’s a lot of typos in
my post and can’t figure out how to edit yet!

Yes, he has just been referred to a developmental paediatrician so waiting to hear on that.

In our area they do the 10-12 month HV check but no face to face visit, just a postal questionnaire. They just followed up by email with some leaflets on how to encourage crawling etc, but nothing else - even though he wasn’t doing quite a large number of items on the checklist at the time

I think there are two different issues here- if you/childminder are worried about his development then by all means follow up with the health visitor/early help referral. But the whole you’ve ruined him by being too attentive goes against child attachment theory which your childminder should be familiar with. 9-12 months is still such a little baby and I think totally fair for him to be a bit clingy, especially with recent changes as you said. Also you said childminder said she’s never known a child like it but also hinted it can be a common issue with first time parents… so sounds like she has dealt with it before and blamed the parents again? I’d not be massively impressed with that from the childminder to be fair but only you know overall whether you like her vibe and think she’s a good fit for your family. Good luck x

It's good that he's been referred to the Paediatrician.

Can he bear weight? So for instance will he stand if you hold his hands or stand him against the sofa and put a couple of toys on there?

If he can't bear weight, I would contact the HV again and ask for a referral to Physio.

How did he do on the Communication Section?

And has she referred him to Portage?

I agree with Emma's comments regarding your HV too.

I agree there are two seperate issues. You’ve said he’s been referred to a developmental paediatrician, so hopefully that will provide some reassurance / answers for you. Some babies just develop a bit slower than others and most catch up in their own time, hopefully this will be the case for your son.

It sounds totally understandable he’s more unsettled/clingy as you’ve said he’s experienced a lot of changes recently. I wouldn’t consider myself to be overly sensitive or easily offended however I would not be pleased with what your CM said; it comes across as blaming, shaming and just a bit OTT and unhelpful. I don’t know her though, so if you are happy with her in general then I guess that’s the main thing. Personally I do prefer nurseries, mainly because I’ve only had positive experiences with the two I have used and it all feels a bit more regulated and ‘policy based’ than CM, but others will have opposite views to me. It’s such a personal decision. Your LO seems lovely and I hope you can move forwards, with this CM or an alternative.