Toddler OBSESSED with doing everything himself and it's taking over

[ANJD2024]

So, our boy is 2 years and 9 months old.
he is SO independent! He needs to do everything himself, and this could even be turning on a light! If you turn it on he will run and turn it off and put on himself.
Passing him his drink bottle will result in him throwing it and having a meltdown until you put it back and he collects himself.
Those are just a couple of examples and the actual list is endless and IF you dare do something and he wanted to do himself you are guaranteed a tantrum which can take an age to calm down from, and can also set the tone for the day!
calmly talking and offering hugs and reassurance hardly ever work and we just need to wait until the storm passes. Which normally includes tracing back our steps to understand what we done, to see if that was what he wanted to do.

anyone else experience this and have any advice?

Also, do we have any parents who have experienced this and have seen it through to the other side?

Honestly no? I think DS's first phrase was "I do it myself" but she was quite clear about what she wanted to do.

How is he in Nursery? Do he go to any childcare yet?

We missed the bus more than once when I put dd2's shoes on and she took them off as soon as my back was turned so she could put them on again herself when she was around 2yo.
I remember taking her to a party just before she was 3yo and her announcing that I could drop her in the car park and she'd walk in herself, and being very put out when I said that wasn't happening.

I think we did a mixture of indulging it (eg giving her her shoes 10 minutes before we were due to leave, so she could put them on herself). Giving her no option (eg, picking her up and putting her in the buggy so it was irrelevant whether she had shoes on or not) and discussing it ("you want to go to play. If you put your shoes on then we'll miss the bus and can't go").

It had advantages (eg. she could put her own socks on at 20 months, despite only having one hand; which neither of her siblings could do until much older) and disadvantages of which missing the bus was only a small one.
But it does get better, partially because they get better and quicker at doing it. Although, in my experience, once they can do it easily and non-messily is about 5 minutes before they decide that they want you to do it for them.

And then when the next one comes along and they say plaintively "but you didn't do that for me when I was that age" and you bite your tongue thinking "yes, but I wanted to..." 🤣

My boy has only just turned two but it sounds familiar already.. i have had to re-put shoes on once i took them off so he can take them off.. and close taps again so he can open them..

in certain cases it has actually helped, if he became difficult about putting on clothes i let him pick his own and suddenly dressing was easy..

But the melt down part sounds tough.. I do think at the heart of it his fierce independence is a developmental thing and probably personality for him and actually something that can be really great if you have patience with it! But the meltdowns after not knowing what you did incorrectly sound difficult.. when my boy has his meltdowns (which have only just started) i always remove him from the space and walk around the corner which helps him snap out a bit (and me so i can speak away from people) and calmly tell him to listen and breathe, and then i get to ‘bargain’.. so maybe use a repetitive phrase like ‘if you want to do it yourself remember to tell us’ and ‘if you stop crying we can go back and try again’
not sure if this sounds crazy..