Want to just start by saying I have a late ADHD diagnosis (inattentive type but the psychologist said that the diagnosis criteria still very weighted to how it presents in boys so don't get hung up on that as I also have hyperactive traits).
I have a 5 year old daughter. I think she has ADHD as well. But I feel so utterly hopeless at the moment, I don't know where to turn or how to get her the help she needs and deserves. I think I need to just start by noting the traits and behaviour:
*emotionally volatile - awful temper - violent (still hitting, kicking, pinching, elbowing, smacking)
*stimming - still very sensory with her mouth, puts everything in there, chews everything, has been given a chewy at school as she was coming home with her sleeves soaked up to the elbows and chewing her hair
*under-developed motor skills, she's behind with her writing and still mostly eats with her hands despite plenty of arguments at the dinner table
*still wet at night and no sign at all of night time dryness
*talks incessantly and asks same questions over and over, seems like she's talking just to hear the sound of her own voice
*cannot wait her turn to speak, interrupts constantly and will scream at me until I answer her if I'm having a conversation with someone else, she will elbow me or physically hit me until I answer her
*very early talker, took a long time for her to be interested in other children and was very adult led for a long time
*had toileting issues (witholding but we are over that now thankfully)
*when she's interested in something she can occupy herself for a long time, but more often than not she finds it hard to play on her own, needs constant input from me
*very clingy, won't go to the toilet on her own, follows me all over the house, high anxieties
*when she gets upset I've noticed she physically stims
*inflexible most of the time, cannot be reasoned with
*needs constant repetitive instructions to get her to do anything, literally have to ask her 10 times to do anything she doesn't listen, or seems like she's not listening and ignoring
*when listening to stories at bedtime she can't just lay still and listen, she has to be fiddling, fidgeting, drawing or something to occupy her. It seems like she's not listening but if I ask her what I just said she can repeat it back, but will also interrupt me constantly with unrelated questions
*anxiety around school, can't cope with other children's unpredictable behaviour
*extreme difficulty settling at nighttime, most of the worst meltdowns are at bedtime
There's so much more I know I haven't listed everything. Every day at the moment just feels like a miserable slog, we can't get through a day without full blown meltdowns which leave me in tears and my partner seething.
Ive spoken to school, they seem to think she's fine, they're not even concerned about her writing at the moment although this week from receiving Christmas cards from many of her friends it has become clearer to me that she's behind with that. They have put her forward for ELSA sessions (something to do with managing emotions) but that was definitely led by me asking rather than them feeling she needs them as predictably they see none of this behaviour at school.
I don't know what to do. How do I help her? I'm so scared she is internalising all this negative messaging she is receiving at home about her behaviour. My partner is very much authoritative and uses Plan A parenting techniques if you have read the explosive child, while I'm here trying to be empathetic and problem solve using Plan B but as a neurodiverse person myself I find myself constantly on the edge and losing control of my emotions myself.
With all that said, my daughter is wonderful. She is extremely loving, kind, thoughtful, VERY creative, funny, was a very early talker and still loves the company of adults. She's such a sweetheart when she's regulated and calm. I've been joking since she was born that I'm glad she's going to be a force to be reckoned with when she's older and won't take any nonsense from anyone, as she's so fiery but in my heart I know she's very emotionally vulnerable and on the inside she is the opposite. I'm just scared for her because I know what it felt like as a teenager and I really want to get her the right support, but what do you do when school don't want to know? My partner is very anti as well, he just thinks she's badly behaved and it's mostly my fault. I just keep thinking of that saying "show me the child at 7 and I'll show you the adult" and just feel like we have failed her and have damaged her with all these badly handled meltdowns. She goes to bed crying quite frequently and it breaks my heart. Even if I take her to the GP to start the process, won't they just speak to the school who will say they don't really see any issues? I'm sure they would see if they looked properly, they are a mainstream school with a specialist autism unit so they have a lot of children with extra needs and I just don't think they have the time or capacity to help my daughter as she's not displaying the way she does at home at school.
Please does anyone have some words of wisdom, I'm honestly hopeless and in tears so please be kind.