My nearly 5 yo DS is antisocial; can I / should I be doing more to help?

[isaidno]

Ds will be 5 in July. He only likes playing with his brother (age 3) or on his own.

He says he doesn't like anyone at school. He gets invited to parties etc, but very rarely joins in.

His teacher is very good and she makes him do activities with various other children. I am sure there are no issues such as bullying.

He seems reasonably happy, but it's getting me down. Should I leave him to it and hope he will grow out of being a loner, or should I be more forceful?

I have similar concerns about ds who will be 5 in a few weeks.

Ds does not join in at parties and is infact rarely invited. What ds seems to have problems with is not getting on with individuals (he too will play with his sister) but group situations - he does not seem to get the dynamics.

My soloution was to talk to his teacher about who he gets on best with (trying to get him to tell my is like getting blood out of a stone) and invite them around 1 at a time so he does not have to deal with group situations. So far this is working although he gets fewer return invites than I would like.

I worry about this all of the time but someone asked me how I was as a child and when I thought about it, I was even more isolated than ds and it really didn't bother me. What were you like as a child?

My mum says I always found someone to play with, but I do remember being overwhelmed by large groups. I worry that he won't even try to make friends with anyone. We have the little boy over the road to play sometimes and he seems to hate it!

I am aware that I don't want to stress him out about it (trying to keep my own stressing under control.)

If you talk to his teacher, is there anyone in his class that he plays with that you could invite round? Ds never liked play dates either but does enjoy his school friends. I remember the first time he took one up to his room and shut the door just sitting on the stairs listening to them and feeling so happy.

Does his dad think its a problem or just you? My dh says that I am over sensitive about ds and while there is an issue there it is not nearly as great as I make it.

I would give him opportunities to make friends but beyond that, I would leave it.

It upsets me more than DH.

I think I need to try a softly softly approach, will see if I can get a friend over.

Thanks Goosey x

Good luck, I know how heart breaking it can be watching them on their own.

Was about to start a similar thread about my own ds when I saw this one! Mine is a bit older (nearly 7) and still mostly stands next to me in the school playground when waiting to go in - won't go off and play with his classmates. He was almost in tears this morning because I wanted to leave him with a friend's mother because ds2 was a bit poorly and I couldn't hang around.

Don't know how he's going to cope in the juniors next year when parents don't wait around in the morning....

I asked him if he wanted to have someone around to play this week and tbh I think he would be happier just coming home and playing by himself but he eventually agreed on one boy....

Am trying not to let it upset me. DS is quite happy, but I am afraid he will get more isolated as time goes on. On the other hand I don't want to make it all an issue for him.

Looking back at my own development, I was very much like that. In contrast, My DS, 4, is exactly the opposite to me - an ebullient, noisy extravert who leads play and always has little bands of children he's just met following him around in playgrounds. We didn't make him that way.

I can see that it is probably more difficult to relate to such a quiet child. But it's probably not a cause for alarm. Not all children are happy in big groups and not all children have very much to say to (all) others. He may well have a very rich internal world that he finds sufficient; he may need longer to get to know other children before he opens up to them.

All of this can change, but he just may be very happy the way he is. I don't think there is anything a parent can do to 'make' a child need the company of a larger circle of friends.

I know we grow up in a society in which it's candidly a bit easier for extraverts, but not everyone is one! I think it's possible to such a personality to learn effective strategies for getting on with people 100% effectively.

No cause for alarm - it's just part of the normal personality spectrum.

Don't worry, a great deal of being at school, imo, is about 'learning' to socialise. My DS was like this in Reception and I was in agony every time he didn't get invited to a party and thought everyone else had endless playdates etc. He's in year 1 now (aged 6) and is the complete opposite. I don't see him for dust when we get to the school playground and we have got to the stage of 'turning down' party invites and having to 'check my diary' for play dates