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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4 year old doesn't want to go to nursery anymore - help please

10 replies

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 09:57

Ds (4.5) has started to make a big fuss about going to nursery in the mornings. It seems to be a big deal to him - he'll start an hour before we set off, saying he 'just hates nursery', wants his friends to come to his house rather than see them at nursery, wants to stay with me because he just loves me, wants to stay with his cuddly toys (who also don't want to go to nursery ). It all reaches a crescendo 5 minutes before we need to go out, he'll cry, hide etc.
He'll go on in the car, pleading to please turn around and go home again etc., and then he's prised off me when we're there.

He's been at this nursery for 1.5 years, it's really lovely, the staff are great and there's no staff turnover at all. He can't give me any good reason for disliking it. He has just generally become quite clingy in the past few weeks.

I am quite upset about it all really. He's only got 2.5 months left there, I hate the thought of him finishing his nursery time like this. I could in theory take him out as I work freelance from home, but it's obviously far from ideal - I wouldn't be able to work so would lose my client base, plus I'd get very fed up with ds after, oooh, about 3 days.

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Original poster

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 10:26

bump - any suggestions please?

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neolara · 29/04/2008 10:37

What does the nursery say? Maybe something has happened recently or something has changed. I'd have a chat and find out what they think. If they have no ideas, ask them to keep a close eye on him for a day or two to see if they can spot anything different.

Original poster

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 10:45

they've not really said anything, just that he's fine after I leave (he says he's sad when they do the register [first thing they do] and that he hangs his head down).
He was due to have a parents' evening this week but it's been cancelled, which is a shame as it's difficult to get a chance to talk to them.

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Original poster

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 10:47

oh, he's quite happy and bubbly for the first 10 minutes when I pick him up - then he remembers that morning's 'abandonment' and tells me that he hated it really and was sad and wanted me!

Maybe he's turning into a bit of a drama queen!

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neolara · 29/04/2008 10:55

Ok, if you're not getting anything from the school, try this. It's a really good technique for getting info out of your child!

Get him to draw a picture of someone who is happy. Then ask him "Tell me about someone who is happy?" Prompt him to come up with a couple of things e.g. What do they do when they are happy? What made them happy? (Don't ask "why". Kids that age don't really get "why" questions). If he says "That's me", then try to bring it back to the abstract e.g. "Hmm, yes that does look like you on your birthday when you were happy. What else makes someone happy?"

Then do the same for a sad person. Again, get him to come up with four or five things about someone who is sad.

Then (and this should be the revealing bit), ask him to draw a picture of someone who does not like going to nursery (or use the exact words he uses). If he says "that's me", again, bring it back to the abstract. You can ask lots of abstract questions "What does a boy do when he hates nursery?" "What doesn't he like about nursery?". Check out any little ideas you have about what might be going wrong. E.g. if you think it might be about friendships ask "Does this boy have anyone to play with at nursery?" By keeping it abstract and not personal to your DS you will almost certainly find out a lot more than if you ask him a direct question.

Then, ask him to draw a picture of someone who "enjoys going to nursery". Again, ask him to tell you about this person. This can be very revealing too.

Keep it all very casual and low key. Try to slip it into a drawing session.

FluffyMummy123 · 29/04/2008 10:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 11:02

thank you neolara, great suggestions there. Will see what I can get out of him.

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Original poster

geekgirl · 29/04/2008 11:03

what did you do, cod? Stop going to nursery?

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Reamhar · 29/04/2008 11:11

I think it might be a case of "this to shall pass" My 4 year old started something similar recently. We've talked to him loads about it, and some of the upset seems to revolve are him worrying about starting school more than him hating nursery.

Regardless of whatever scene he might create in the house/car he's always absolutely fine once I've left apparently.

This resolved itself pretty quickly for us, but good luck with your junior drama queen. .

FrannyandZooey · 29/04/2008 11:15

we had a brief phase of this at around the same age and coped by not taking him on the days when he was upset

on days when we really needed him to go (ie both at work) we discussed it in advance and told him why we needed him to go and also offered a bribe for managing to go without a fuss on those days (I didn't have a problem with this kind of deal, as going to nursery in itself in this situation was not something that I needed him to like, it was more for mine and dp's benefit)

it passed very quickly tbh, I think had we pressed on and insisted he went every session, it would have lasted longer

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