This may ramble - please bear with me. I'm reeling and burned out and don't know what to do.
DS is 6 and a half, and super bright. Free reader, joins the year above for maths lessons, beats adults at chess type bright. However his behaviour is off the scale and I can't cope anymore. Last year we had issues at school with fighting, talking back and just utterly stupid misbehaviour. He once punched a Yr 6 in the penis - he was in Yr 1 at the time. Fast forward to this year and he has a new teacher who is much better at managing him. She tells me his behaviour at school is miles better, still not perfect but I'm not getting the daily phone calls anymore.
However he is trying so hard to be good at school now that he explodes when he gets home. Our after-school nanny quit today because she just can't cope with his anger outbursts; final straw was he tried to push her down the stairs. I don't blame her, I work from home half the week and can hear how bloody rudely he treats her and I wouldn't stick around, after-school nannies are gold dust in our area. She's the second nanny to quit since August, and the last one only worked for us 3 months too.
DS bullies his younger sister too. He steals sweets and biscuits to the extent that we've bought a lockbox, and I've caught him taking money from my room too. His first instinct when caught is to lie, or try and shift the blame on his sister.
We've tried everything. Being strict with him, when that didn't work he tried giving him more independence and he utterly abused that. We've spoken to school about possible ADHD and the Sendco didn't think that was the issue. I've smacked him. We've done star charts, and incentives, we've given consequences and removed toys, screen time or pocket money. He just doesn't care.
I love my son. One on one, he's amazing - if I sit down to play chess with him or take him out for time just the two of us we have a wonderful time. But the moment we get home and he has to share my attention again - with his sister, with his father, anyone - he does a complete Jekyll and Hyde act. It's not that he's attached to me though, I took DD to a party last weekend and he had one on one time with DH and then exploded when we got back. It destroys you as a mother to have a six year old scream at you 'how dare you come home' the second you walk through the door.
I'm not sure what I'm asking, or if I'm asking anything. But I don't know what to do anymore.