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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD not eating. How do I deal with it?? Very Worried.

21 replies

singyswife · 28/04/2008 20:37

Okay, have posted before but here goes. DD has always been a slow eater. She can take up to 1.5 hours to eat her dinner (but she will eat it and will eat most things). Last week at school her best friend told her that her grandad had died from choking on a piece of food (which we know isnt true) and now dd wont eat. She is eating very, very little and is taking so long over one bite that yesterday it took her 45 minutes to eat half a slice of cucumber. She has to suck things into practically nothing before she will swallow it. What do I do. I have tried the explianing thing, have tried the threatening and telling her what will happen if she doesnt eat. I am now trying to ignore it and change the way that she eats with a reward system, i.e if you eat all of your dinner in a given time you can have a treat. Is this the right thing. Sorry is a long one I know but I really am worried about her. Thanks

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/04/2008 20:38

how old is she?
I would just leave her to it tbh

NotABanana · 28/04/2008 20:41

Well I am sure you know that the threats have to stop though I understand you have been worried and frustrated. Could you give her soup and other liquidy foods for a while, just to get food in to her and get her confidence back?

sarah293 · 28/04/2008 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

singyswife · 28/04/2008 20:45

Hi, she is 7. I dont mean threats as in I will do things to her if she doesnt eat. I mean threats as in she will end up in hospital if she doesnt eat etc. She wont eat soup at all but even things like custard etc she seems to be afraid to swallow. Am I trying to fight too many things changing the speed she eats at and the swallowing thing?? I have never had food issues with my kids before and am at a loss.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 28/04/2008 20:45

Change the environment for a few meals. Invite friends round and have pizza - it doesn't matter if it's crap food for a few meals, the important thing is to take the focus away from the food and to the enjoyment of mealtimes.

But if that doesn't work, I'm afraid you have to ignore the behaviour - she won't starve herself. Give her a set time to eat her dinner and if she doesn't eat anything, take it away and she has to wait till the next meal. She won't actually starve. She'll just get hungry enough to go a bit faster next time.

Your decision is what she eats, hers is how much and whether to eat any of it. That's all you can do.

NotABanana · 28/04/2008 20:47

Oh, I see.

Could you ask her how she feels about the situation? Ask her what she would like to do about the situation?

EffiePerine · 28/04/2008 20:48

If this carries on it might be worth asking your GP to get referred to a specialist in this area .

Original poster

singyswife · 28/04/2008 20:52

At the weekend we went to my mums for a big family dinner (something that my dd loves), we were having pizza, salad and lasagne all of which she loves and she ate two slices of cheese and a piece of cucumber. She did eat ice cream but that was it.

OP posts:

Original poster

singyswife · 28/04/2008 21:10

Thanks, I think if it goes on for a while then I will see my gp about it. I think I am going to ignore it as I have made such a big deal about it that I think she now likes the attention. Will TRY hard to just ignore her when she is eating and see what happens. Have set up new rules for dinner time. i.e they only get 45 minutes to eat dinner and then it gets taken away (this will be reduced), I justw anted some advice and back up from people who had maybe been there. I am totally panicing but I dont think I would be this bad if it was a boy I had and thats a terrible thing to say.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 28/04/2008 21:18

I would totally relax about how fast she eats. just go with the flow- leave her food out until she goes to bed if you have to.
she'll get bored eventually of sitting at the table all night while the rest of you watch tv or play games etc.

I would have a chat with her. away from the table, and when both of you are in a good mood for talking about it.
ask her WHY it takes her a long time. if she says she doesn't know then tell her to have a think about it and come and let you know if she comes up with anything.
then you can try to figure out some ways of overcoming that so that she can eat faster.

I think you have to involve her here. Let her know that SHE is your priority and that you don't want her to get hungry but that you know she sometimes finds it hard.

you need her to be able to come to you and tell you if she has a problem that is making eating or whatever scary for her. not turn it into a huge battle of you vs her because you can't win this.

Original poster

singyswife · 28/04/2008 21:23

I know, I thought initially that telling her that she would not die from eating food was the way to go but now I think it is a battle. I think I will just ignore it and hope it goes away as fast as it came. With regards to the eating time, I was planning on just leaving her at the table for an hour or 2 hours but I dont know that I have the patience to allow her to do this without interfereing. I will have a thank and come up with a plan.

OP posts:

NotABanana · 29/04/2008 09:48

When I was 15 I was made to stay at the table until I had finished my pork chop and it took until 7pm. It put me off pork for years and years so I would suggest you tell her she can stay at the table until she has eaten as much as she wants, she doesn't have to finish the whole plateful but she does have to eat a mutually agreed amount.

I am curious as to why you would worry less if it was a boy not eating/taking forever.

Original poster

singyswife · 29/04/2008 10:12

Hi, I tend to worry more because it is girls who TEND to have the eating problems. I know this isnt always the case but I am just panicing that this is the start of something.

OP posts:

NotABanana · 29/04/2008 10:18

Oh I see.

It doesn't sound like it is the start of something serious as this hasn't been set off by someone calling your daughter fat, but by her worry of choking. To a degree it is sensible for children to be aware of this and to make sure they don't rush their food and they cut it up into appropriate piece sizes, but clearly your child does need to eat.

You have had lots of suggestions on here and I hope something helps. Above all, stay calm and talk to your daughter.

All the best.

squilly · 29/04/2008 19:53

Hi there

My 7yo dd takes about an hour, hour and a half to eat her tea most nights. And it's not difficult food to eat.

She has a very narrow range of food that she'll eat, but most of it's pure, unadulterated stuff, like plain pasta, raw carrots, cucumber, etc...

I worry more because she's a girl, probably, because of the issue of eating disorders. And my dd has said a number of times that she just doesn't enjoy food. Unless it's chocolate of course. That, she enjoys!

The whole issue of food is such a difficult one. I've gently encouraged, cajoled, even bullied her into eating some foods and then worried that I might be causing poor eating patterns, a potential eating disorder, so I can really sympathise with you.

I agree that leaving her to eat for as long as it takes is probably a good idea, stressful though it may be. And it might be a phase, if it's started recently. Peer pressure might be of somehelp, though it doesn't help my girl. I just end up letting her eat less than normal so she doesn't get left out of the pudding course!

Good luck with this singyswife. I hope you find a way to get around this.

Original poster

singyswife · 30/04/2008 11:57

HI there

I spoke to my health visitor yesterday and she gave me some advice. I put it into practice last night and within 30 minutes she had eaten all of her dinner and some ice cream. This is what she said.

While you are sitting cajoling her to eat she is getting all of your attention (my dd has a sister so her attention is split). Sit at the table and set a timer for say 45 minutes, have dinner. Everyone at the table who is doing what they are meant to be doing (eating dinner) gets attention. Oooh daddy ate a chip, my goodness wasnt that a big mouthful of beans, that kind of thing. Do not give people who are not eating ANY attention, do not even look at her untill she has taken any size of bit of food, then make a big fuss. Do not, no matter how hard it is, tell her to eat her tea, hurry up, you only have 10 minutes left etc. When everyone else is finished dinner get up from the table and do something, play a game watch a programme on the telly, read a book, she will soon realise that by sitting at the table she is missing out on this fun.

I did this last night and honestly I was shocked at the response I got. It worked for me last night, thats not to say that tonight she wont dig her heels in and not eat, but she will miss out on family time and after the timer rings dinner will be taken from her and nothing will be given. Again, people who ate dinner will be having a treat but she will be missing out. I am hopefull that this is the way to go with my dd. Good luck with your Squilly.

OP posts:

lizziemun · 30/04/2008 13:06

Singywife.

I did this with dd1 (4.3) after she took over an hour to eat a slice of ham and half a slice of bread.

I would say it took about a week of her eating her dinner one day then messing about the next. Now she eat her dinner in about 30mins.

We do have the occasional blip and i just ask her if she wants me to put the timer on, to which she normally says no and eat her dinner nicely.

squilly · 30/04/2008 13:55

I like this one. DD has a habit of asking one of us to stay with her and eat, and we, of course comply! Oh the joys of having a PFB whi is also an one and only.

I like this idea. It's simple and we can bring it in straight away. And rather than one of us sloping off to the sofa to watch telly or read we can go start a game of scrabble. She'll HATE missing out on that!

And tonight should be a good night to start as we're having a 'proper' dinner (meat and veg...never goes down well).

Thank you so much singywife. And I hope it's not just a one off!

Original poster

singyswife · 30/04/2008 21:08

Hiya

Well, she ate her dinner quickly tonight again, I wasnt eating but I sat with them for what I thought was a reasonable time and then I got up and left the table, within 10 minutes they had joined me and dinner was finished (I dont have a problem with dd2 but I cannot be seen to be making a difference between them). Hope your dd ate all of her dinner. Hope it works for you.

OP posts:

evelynkate · 12/04/2009 21:12

My 9 year old daughter has suddenly developed a fear of choking. She used to be a FANTASTIC eater, mostly fruit, a reasonable vegetable intake & small amounts of meat,but good on the whole. Over the last 8 weeks has become VERY anxious about choking when she eats, becomes very tearful & afraid.She will tolerate, soup, yoghurt, ice cream & not much else. Any 'bits' have to be removed. She coughs throughout the meal, but does not cough when she drinks liquids, so I am not concerned about a physical reason for all this. We have a good relationship, she is headstrong, and sometimes gets told off for inappropriate behaviour. She has a 3 1/2 year old sister who she gets on well with 50% of the time. This recent change in her behaviour has had a huge effect on our family. Stress levels have gone up significantly in the house which I know doesn't help, but we almost dread what the day will bring. I have spoken with my GP & we are awaiting a paediatrician appointment. Any suggestions for the meantime?

kitbit · 12/04/2009 21:31

Evelynkate, this is quite a dramatic change, can you pinpoint a particular incident that started it? Did she have a near-choking incident? Or witness a friend or small child? Or see it on the TV? Is she likely to tell you about it if you ask? Perhaps there is a physical cause, did she have a very sore throat during which her throat seemed more closed and eating was harder? Perhaps she found it hard to swallow food and the fear started there?

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