[reposting in behaviour chat]
Hi,
I have 3 DCs. Eldest S turned 10 yesterday. He is autistic. I have another S who is nearly 8 who is also on the spectrum. Youngest D aged 6 not on spectrum.
My children behave in an absolutely horrific manner. Eldest was an exceptionally challenging younger child on account of ASD, never slept, impossible to wean (exclusively BF at nine months) and I think we only got him to try first solids of some kind of porridge/Weetabix at a year. Getting him to eat anything was soul destroying battle and was only possible via screen until he was 4. I had my mother (of four children all with excellent behaviour and well brought up) helping, and also paid nannies to try to help. It was a hugely depressing and stressful time for me as I had PND severely and then ended up in a coma on ITU which brought to light an undiagnosed autoimmune condition. I went back to work as felt such a failure but made sure we had good childcare at home. Eventually we got him off the screen, but he has eaten the same meals (Readybrek, banana, toast/bread and butter at breakfast, cheese sandwich and chopped apple at lunch and pasta and tomato/Bolognese sauce with cheese supper) every single day since he was about 3. He will eat yoghurt, ice cream and cake too. Although not formally diagnosed, he clearly shows signs of ARFID. It is immensely stressful.
My younger two eat better, and my middle one knows how to use a knife and fork, as does my youngest, but meal times are awful. They often use their fingers, eat with mouth open, speak with mouth full, get up without asking, stupid giggling, not able to sit properly, elbows - you name it, they are horrific. Your worst nightmare. I feel like I have totally failed despite trying and trying to get them to eat properly sounding like a broken record trying to get them to learn basic table manners. Over and over and over again. Boys are missing the empathy chip thanks to the ASD so don’t realise how revolting they are, but both are already bullied (not because of how they eat) and this is just another reason for them to be bullied. I actively avoid them having any play dates as they are so disgusting - was thinking we would do it once we had manners sorted a bit more. I have an awful relationship with my in-laws who make me feel like such a failure as their other (neurotypical) grandchildren can eat properly (and also are amazing sport and get scholarships and are headgirls and get all the leading parts on the plays and and and and….). What the hell do I do. I’ve shed so many tears and can’t believe I have managed to produce such awfully behaved children.
Would be so grateful for any moral support or words of advice. After another horrific Sunday lunch with my parents. I feel so useless and down and tired.