Separation anxiety: I know this has been done before but nothing is working, please help!

[Catz]

DD is 9 mnths and has terrible separation anxiety. It started just after Christmas so about 4 months ago. We've done lots of playing 'boo' etc and it has subsided a little at points but it's getting worse again.

Right now she's screaming because 15 mins ago I walked out of the room (waving bye, bye) leaving her in her high chair with DH feeding her. She'd been happily eating moments before but the moment I left she started crying hysterically and hasn't stopped. If the two of us are in a room together she'll play for a bit but then come and cling to my leg, cry to be picked up and get herself worked into a terrible state if I put her down. If other people are around she just wants me to hold her. e.g. this morning she was in my arms and playing with DH (who is very hands on and around a lot), I passed her to him and we had immediate tears even though I was about 10 cm from her.

I went back to work this week and so that's clearly making things worse, although it was her 5th week at nursery so she should have settled. At nursery she's finally got to the point where she'll only cry for half the time and her key worker says that DD cries if she leaves the room too.

What do I do? DH says she's being silly, just leave her, don't pick her up and she'll get used to it. I'm worried that she'll just be more anxious if the thing that she's anxious about keeps happening IYSWIM. Sorry this is a bit long but would appreciate any help.

boy that sounds kind of extreme .. she's very young to be that upset at nursery

personally I'd be overly-cuddling her when I wasn't working.. I think the leave her, don't pick her up she'll get used to it is the wrong advice at this age .. I think she needs you

sorry

Why did you wave when you left the room - when she was eating - I would have just left - it's almost as if you wanted her to have a reaction.

Personally I wouldn't pick up her up everytime she winges/cries at you - find something to distract her and stay near her but don't pick her up - she has now got into the habbit of knowing that if she cries you will pick her up and sometimes it's just not possible to do that. I would also let DH be more hands on if possible - yes it's hard to hear them cry but you need to nip this in the bud.

Thanks for the replies.

Twiglett - She's at nursery two days a week so perhaps 5 weeks isn't as bad as it might sound. For the first few weeks she barely stopped for breath so the nursery would call me to collect her (they knew I wasn't at work) so being able to have some happy times is a huge leap! My instinct is to keep cuddling too so hopefully it'll improve again... she was getting better before we started nursery....

Dynamicnanny - I waved when I left the room because a lot of the advice I've read says that you shouldn't just suddenly disappear from the room, instead you should say bye (I was going upstairs to work - or MN! - for a couple of hours) so that she knows that you won't disappear without warning. Perhaps this is bad advice but your comment is rather odd: why on earth would I be trying to get a reaction (i.e. crying)? DH is very hands on (as I said in the OP) and she's fine with him if I'm not around, that's why it's so frustrating that she's unhappy if I am there and he's with her.

I've read and been advised that you should always let your baby know you are leaving too. I always tell ds (8months) 'right... mummy's just going to fetch (whatever) now, I'll be back in a minute' and let him see me leave. If I don't he does panic if he just looks up and I'm no where to be found. Thankfully, although I know he can't understand me, he seems to know I'll be back before too long.

He went through a really bad patch about 6 weeks ago where he screamed every time OI left the room (unless dh was there) I just kept going out the living room door just for a second and then popping back (jumping back!) into the room and saying BOO! really excitedly. DS began to laugh and realise it was a game and that mummy always comes back. I kept doing it and left longer and longer between the BOO!s and it seemed to work OK. I can now leave him for a few mins while I go to the toilet at least!

I'm sure you've already tried it but I have no advice, I fear the worst of separtion anxiety is yet to come with us but I'm hoping not!

Yes, I was advised to always say goodbye when leaving too, and to continue leaving even if they cry, but you can come back straightaway to show you will come back.
Like your BOO! game, Meandmyjoe, will try it with dd tomorrow.

Have you tried leaving the room and then coming straight back, then leaving for longer periods gradually so she might get used to the idea of you going.
If dh is feeding her keep walking in and out of the room, you probably don't need to keep saying goodbye.

She might have clicked on that when you leave your gone for ages, so doing that may help her settle a bit.

But it may not and it might continue like this for a while but as she gets older she will grow out of it - here's hoping!!

My daughter had terrible separation anxiety too, so I know how you feel. What helps is time. They all get there in the end and work out that you're going to come back, it's just it takes a little longer for some than others. I honestly can't see how repeatedly exposing her to the thing she is most scared of can help anyone. Surely it will just teach her that nobody is listening to her?

catz - its awful - DS was the same, and it didn't go as quickly as 'the books' and other people said. He was just that kind of child - very attached. Preparing her for you leaving is so much better than the shock of you disappearing - she would get more clingy, not less (so I think you're right to wave bye).

Signs not to worry about nursery are if she calms down more quickly (ask them to time it for you), does she eat (normally for her) while there, does she explore toys. It would be completely normal for her to transfer attachment to a key worker (thats the whole point of having specific individuals for the child). If she's doing all that then you might be reassured that she's okay while you're not there, even if she screams terribly when you leave. And with only 2 days a week it probably will take a bit longer for her. I think (vaguely remember) 9-12 months is peak time for separation anxiety?

Its really hard - you have my sympathies!

Yep my DD was like this (couldn't cook without her on my hip / go to the loo without her / move to another part of the same room without her crying etc) and suddenly she was fine and at 16 months is very happy go lucky. She does 3 days a week at nursery and i would say that it took 5-6 months for her to truely settle to the point where she is running in and grinning when she realises where we are etc.

I would just go with the flow and give her stacks of attention as and when she needs it but if you do need to leave the room, then just go for it. A good cry isn't going to kill her and sometimes you do need to go and do something, like shower! Maybe consider her going in to nursery more days for less hours to speed up the settling in? e.g. 4 half days rather than 2 whole days and then switch it back once she's settled in a bit more?

Hmmm, it's a tough one. I tried to settle my daughter into nursery (very part-time) when she was 11 months. She also got very distressed if I left her - more so, once she clicked we hadn't just come to this cool place to hang out together, but that I was going to be leaving her there.

I realise that people's circumstances vary and taking your daughter out of nursery might be difficult for you. But, to me, it sounds like nursery might not be the right thing for her at this time. Do you have any other options, work-wise/childcare-wise? We ended up abandoning nursery and got a childminder - our daughter adapted to that new set-up without a single tear, and in fact, absolutely thrived on it.

I think we shouldn't be afraid to listen to what our kids are telling us. There is no rulebook that says a nine month old baby 'should' be happy to be left in a nursery environment. If it is distressing your daughter this much, I would say it is the wrong place for her, or the wrong timing, or both.

Kate