Aggressive almost 3-year old anyone? Is he a bully?

[mrsmcdreamy]

My DS1 (3 in June) is so good in many ways. He eats & sleeps well, he has no problems going to bed and at times he can be heart-meltingly sweet.

However, I despair when he has to 'socialise' with other children. He becomes what I can only describe as aggressive: snatches & uses other children's toys & will throw them away/over a fence/out of reach when asked to give them back. He even bit another (older: 3.5yrs) child on a play date today, which is actually something I've never had a problem with before. He is affectionate & can give lovely cuddles, but when he's in this 'red-mist' mood, they become wrestles & hard squeezes (ie. he wont stop even when they start protesting/crying). He just gets so excited so quickly.

When he behaves like this I use time outs & take him away from the 'fun & games' & pay the 'victim' lots of attention.

DS1 is big for his age (more like a 4 year old in size) and strong. His speech is good. When I asked his nursery keyworker (he goes to nursery 3x mornings a week) how he was with the other children there, she said he was fine & played well & was a 'lovely child'. It seems he only behaves like this in front of me.

DS2 is now 8 months old & it may be coincidence that this behaviour has started since he arrived?

It is getting to the stage where I'd rather keep him at home than go to play groups or play dates because I can't relax & am worried that he's going to run around causing havoc! I desperately don't want him to be known as a bully.

Forgot to say...he's really good with his baby brother - not malicious at all.

It would be a shame to keep him closeted away and it won't help him to learn about social situations. Anyone who labels a three year old a bully is an idiot.

All children do this kind of stuff - I agree its harder, and appears worse when your child is larger [my 3.5 year old looks at least a year older]. I think all you can do is constantly reinforce the good behaviour and explain, explain, explain why the hurting and scaring other children isn't acceptable.

I think around this age 3yo boys have a lot of 'aggressive' energy and they need to be very physical. They also still find it very hard to share and play together well. I think all you can do is persevere with what you are doing and carry on explaining that certain things i.e. biting, throwing toys etc are not acceptable.

My ds is 3.1yrs so I know where you're coming from. He is extremely loving and affectionate but can also be aggressive. I have seen him push much older children (5ish) because they wouldn't let him play with something or because they were trying to pick him up! He is small for his age and although I don't condone this behaviour AT ALL I am glad that he will try and stand up for himself (we still tell him it's not allowed though).

DD is 21mths so we have a lot of 'sharing/hitting' issues as they always want the same toy, be it baby doll or digger!
I often say things like, 'I know you were annoyed at dd because she took your.../knocked over your lego etc BUT that doesn't mean you can hit/push/bite her. Hitting/pushing/biting is not allowed and you have to go on the naughty step.'

Thank you for your messages.

I do try and reassure myself that his behaviour is 'normal', but I just find it difficult to maintain the positive parenting approach at times & get too wound up and self-concsious about what he's doing.

I know I have to persevere with taking him out and about &, as you say, constantly reinforce the 'rules' and good behaviour.

Often the problem is when he plays with children who are older than him & they expect him to play nicely. When he spoils the game or doesn't understand what they want he reacts aggressively to their shouts of 'NO!' and 'don't do that!'

I'm not the most patient of people, so that probably doesn't help!

If it is any consolation, ds [3.6] is in the midst of a real phase of real trouble in sharing toys, the stubborn little blighter. At the moment, he enjoys the company of his friends much more when we are doing a structured activity, games like dens etc when they are not playing with specific coveted toys, soft play and the park. So maybe that's an approach?

Contradicting myself a bit but I have noticed a massive, massive difference in his level of maturity and ability to negotiate with others in the past few months. So this too will pass.