I’m sorely in need of some perspectives from other parents on here. Apologies for the slightly longer post but here goes.
DH and I have two sons, 5 yo and 1 yo. My five yo is a lovely little boy - smart, curious, loving. Absolutely adores his brother. Very close to me. A happy little chap. But with his dad it’s a different story.
It’s important to say here that DH is a good man. A wonderful husband and a father who goes to the ends of the earth to make his family happy. But my five yo is so horrible to him. Every day is a struggle. DS will hit, scream, slap, kick, scratch, once or twice even bite him. He’ll say “I hate you” “you’re not a good dad” “I’m never going to be your friend” etc. The smallest thing will set him off. Examples:
-why did you touch my blanket
-why did you not answer my question
-being told to get out of the bath/go downstairs/go upstairs/anything he doesn’t want to do etc etc.
He can’t tolerate his dads touch. DH will be helping him put his shoes on or get dressed or just be doing something else and if he accidentally or intentionally touches DS it’ll be “did you just touch me? Why? I don’t like your hands”. We are completely at our wits end. DH is at a stage where it’s impacting his mental health because it’s just constant. Our marriage is actually on the rocks because we have argued so many times over this where I’m so frustrated at my husbands inability to handle our son. Especially as DS doesn’t act this way with anyone else. He will sometimes have a tantrum just like any five year old but he won’t be so vicious and horrible to anyone else. My husband says he actually feels terrorised by this small child. I’m feeling super overwhelmed these days myself and I am having to step in because it just ends up in a shouting match. DH tries to be patient but he reaches his limits.
Sometimes DS is randomly fine with DH. They have their own activities and father son stuff. And when it’s good, they’re so happy together. But when things turn sour so suddenly sometimes, it affects everyone and destroys any chance of a happy home life. And inevitably it will affect the baby too.
We did take DS for an autism assessment last year but he was found to be below the threshold for a diagnosis. There are days I think he must be neurodivergent. And then others where I think he’s fine and is just a highly sensitive child. I’m at a complete loss. I see DH’s mental health deteriorating. This is destroying both of us and our marriage. Please give me some thoughts/suggestions we just don’t know what to do anymore :(.