DS has done something stupid.

[ohnoDS]

DS9 has done something really stupid, enough to warrant arms-length involvement from the police. I am worried sick.

I know he can't be charged (thankfully, because he's too young), but how do I navigate him needing to take this very seriously, and be frightened of/by police involvement, with my natural instinct as a mum to protect him?

I don't know why he did it, and he says he doesn't either - he shakes with fear whenever I make him discuss it (not often or repeatedly, just when it's been necessary). He is already very hard on himself generally, and what he did was completely out-of-character. He's had a tough few years, his dad was/is abusive so it's just me and DS and I'm trying so hard to help him develop into a decent young man.

How do I play this do you think? I don't want to make things worse, if that's possible, by either appearing to throw him to the lions or conversely by minimising what he's done, but I am terrified of this sending him off on the wrong trajectory when I (and his teachers) genuinely think it was just him not thinking.

I'm not going to explain what it was, and no one else was hurt emotionally or physically by it, because my question is how do I behave? Do I let him be scared stiff, expose him to the full awfulness of what could have happened, or I do I leave that to his imagination and hope that's scary enough to prevent anything like this ever happening again?

TIA, and please don't just wade in, I'm in bits already.

Without knowing what it is it is hard to say. If police/authority actually get involved without you dobbing him in, then I would just try and reassure him you will be with him throughout and that he will get through whatever punishment occurs.

If police/authority don’t actually get involved, I think it is possible to not throw him to the lions and also not minimise it. Given he is shaking with fear, he obviously is already taking this seriously. I would emphasise some positive things he can learn, things he can do differently, but then think of an appropriate punishment that you (not police) dish out - so you are taking it seriously but not also getting authorities involved.

Although it’s really easy to worry that this is a sign he will go down the wrong path, it’s also a really good opportunity to teach him about mistakes and that the world doesn’t end by admitting to making a mistake, and that facing up and owning up - then doing the punishment - then makes life better.

I'm guessing something like throwing stones across the road and hitting something?

If it's something like that, then it's probably as much about getting him to think about consequences.
You could write some scenario and get him to write down worst case result/different possibilities.
Eg. "You pick up a large stone and throw it across the road."

Round here, we have a lovely PCSO who would be very happy to come round and chat about it in an informal but stern way. He's very good at that sort of thing, getting the right balance between impressing not to do it again, but not going OTT.
I'm guessing you already have police involvement from what you see. It might be as well to ask them for a discussion.

Thanks both, the police got in touch yesterday (school involved them which I personally feel was unnecessary...the HT has more than a bit of a saviour complex) and are deciding whether to have a chat with him or whether what I've already done will be enough. Thankfully because he's not yet 10 there can be no charges, otherwise things might be very, very different...

As you've both pointed out, the "learning" from this will be the most useful thing, it's hard to know that he's scared but allow it to sink in a bit/not immediately reassure it away...and hopefully it'll all be done and dusted before too long.