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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! 20mo DS violent towards his 9 week old brother

35 replies

bristols · 24/04/2008 20:03

I really don't know the best way to deal with this. I'm finding it incredibly hard to deal with and it's starting to get to me.

DS1 hits DS2 fairly often, usually on the head or tummy. It can happen at any time, although is worse when I am feeding DS2. It seems to be an attention thing but I don't know what to do for the best. If I discipline him, he gets the attention he wants but if I ignore it, he keeps doing it. I feel that there are some things that just can't be ignored and this is one of them.

So what's the best way to deal with it? And how do you discipline a 20 month old??

OP posts:

Original poster

bristols · 25/04/2008 20:34

Sorry for disappearing last night. Lost my internet connection. Grr.

I would certainly never leave them alone in a room together.

I spent a lot of time today talking about being gentle and showing DS1 how nice it feels to be stroked. He used to stroke DS2's head nicely, but I've implemented a No Touch rule when it comes to the head. DS1 was at nursery today so he wasn't around when I was feeding the baby but I'm going to try to keep him at arms length and occupied tomorrow.

PP, you're right, emotions are running high and I'm finding the adjustment to two difficult. I'm especially struggling with my feelings towards them. I want to feel exactly the same about them both. They both deserve to be loved the same but DS1's behaviour is making me feel as though I don't 'like' him much at the moment and that is heartbreaking

It can only get better with time!

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PosieParker · 25/04/2008 21:54

As soon as dh comes home take DS1 to the park or have a bath together to enjoy him, I really feel for you and completely understand how you're feeling and it will pass. He's only 20 months and he's not tryiong to hurt the baby just cause a reaction ie if I hit does it cry, with no understanding of what that means. I have a friend going though the same thing and she finds enjoying for the joy and not to keep out of trouble with dc1 really helps.
I'll keep reading.... take care.

Original poster

bristols · 25/04/2008 22:20

PP - you talk a lot of sense. I'm glad you found me!!

I definitely need to work on my relationship with DS1 over the weekend. I have found myself avoiding him which is ridiculous and also very sad. Am going to take advantage of DH being around so I can leave the baby with him and concentrate on my other beautiful boy.

Am going to go now as I can feel myself welling up (again) and poor old DH has had to deal with lots of tears lately! Will let you know how we get on. Thanks.

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PosieParker · 26/04/2008 07:51

It's okay to feel these things and quite brilliant to recognise.

Original poster

bristols · 26/04/2008 21:12

I am quite 'self aware' which is a good thing although it means I often tie myself up in knots!

Had a great day today. Had some time just with DS1 which was lovely and he was really well behaved. I think it helped that DH was around so he could have one to one attention pretty much all day long.

It's good to have a day like today because it makes me feel altogether more positive. I think the sunshine helped too

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PosieParker · 26/04/2008 21:49

Ah that's great, I'm self obsessed aware too!! Trouble is I know why others behave in certain ways aswell, makes life difficult with dp sometimes. I'm really pleased you had a great day.
Bristols... breasts/place??

Original poster

bristols · 27/04/2008 21:27

Well, I do have quite good 'bangers' as Gok would say, but it's also a reference to my maiden name. Bristols has been my nickname in RL for many years!

Another good day in the bristols household. Am already anxious about tomorrow when DH is at work but am putting it to the back of my mind and trying to stay positive.

How was your weekend??

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thehairybabysmum · 27/04/2008 21:49

i would recommend a v pillow when feeeding i woulkd put this on my knee when feeding with the v pointing outwards and this would keep ds1 at arms length from ds2 so even if ds1 was around my legs he couldnt reach ds2s head or body v well. i think it would work equally well if you were giving a bottle or bf also.

In the early weeks (ds1 was 22 months) we basicaly fell nto DH looking after ds1 and me doing ds2, 7 months in its a lot easier so hang in there.

PosieParker · 28/04/2008 15:36

mine is always full of promise and delivers tidying up which should be but never gets done.
I am a blitherly ruin of a SAHM and cannot seem to tidy my home, I have never been tidy since I was little not for my parents not trying!!!

Original poster

bristols · 28/04/2008 21:12

PP - I'm not very tidy either, although I'm slowly getting better. DH, on the other hand, is a tidy freak! We're a good team, I suppose.

thehairybabysmum - good idea. I have one of those V pillows so I'll give it a go. Glad to hear it gets better! (btw, my babies are hairy too!)

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