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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Desperate help needed with very upset child going into school

23 replies

boomie · 24/04/2008 11:19

DD is 6 and in Year 2. The last few weeks she has really struggled going into school in the morning. She comes up with a whole host of excuses (feel sick, earache, tummy ache etc) why she doesn't want to go. It's getting to the stage where I'm getting really upset about seeing her being distraught and literally being pushed into school by the teacher.

Her teacher says that once she has gone in, she generally calms down quite quickly. However, there have been a few days where she "has been sad all day".

Her teacher has been fantastic and is very keen to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. DD mentioned about tests (SATs are coming up) but her teacher said that she really underplays tests but will spend more time with DD encouraging her and supporting her. Academically she is doing great so it's not that she's struggling with that. Home life is great and apart from this she is a very happy, gorgeous little girl. DD just keeps mentioning that she misses me in the day and wants to be with Mummy.

Obviously, she has to go to school but has anyone any ideas how I can encourage her. I have tried the "we'll go to the park/ beach/ play area etc after school" but that's wearing thin now. I've also given her a little fairy to keep in her pocket so when she's sad, she can look at her fairy.

Is this a common thing with 6yo girls?? No-one else at school seems to have this problem at this age?

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Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 11:29

OP posts:

rey · 24/04/2008 11:36

Sorry nothing to offer in way of advice/tips just sad that some children need adult to step and help at school and no-one is there to do that really. I'm assuming that she doesn't have a best freind or group of friends so hopefully she will one day soon and this will help. You can't force friendships but I do feel school can but they are busy. The fairy in the pocket is a lovely idea. My dd doesn't have a problem going in but did talk about missing me but grew out of that or at least has stoppped saying it.

Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 11:38

Thanks Rey. The thing is she does have a lot of friends (not one best friend in particular) and they all put their arms round her and try to get her in the door too!!

It's all very upsetting to see her like this. I just wish I could say OK, you don't have to go to school but I can't and I'm desperately trying to find a bit of help to get through this.

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Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 13:07

Anyone else

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Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 13:10

is anything happening at school that is different, eg a play or performance coming up that she may be nervous about?

dd1 (only in reception) started to cry going to ballet and it was because of a forthcoming show, ditto the Navitity play at Christmas

dd1 tells me she really misses me most days at school but she doesn't really have any friends unlike your dd

could she be being picked on at playtime or somehting like that?

it is awful isn't it?

Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 13:20

Your poor DD too OO. It is all very

The only 2 things she has mentioned are that she misses me & doesn't want to do the "hard tests". Her teacher is aware of this but unfortunately the SATs have to be done and her teacher is spending a lot of time talking to her to tell her it's all about how she should be teaching DD not how well/ bad DD is doing.

Does anyone have any tips on how to "coach" out information from a 6 year old. I think there might be something deeper? I don't know or she may just genuinely miss me?

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HonoriaGlossop · 24/04/2008 13:45

sounds like she is anxious over the SATS. Her missing you could come from that anxiety I think....at times of stress, when you're six, you'd rather have your mum!

I'm not at this stage yet as DS is in year one but it seems so sad that 6 and 7 year olds are even AWARE they are going to be tested. And all for league tables, basically. I doubt that whatever the result, it will change anything for your DD in terms of her day to day schooling or tell the teacher anything about your DD that they didn't already know.

I think if this were me I would ask for a meeting with the teacher so that you can discuss any ideas for minimising her worry and supporting her through. Some children just don't deal well with being tested, and she is SO young.

Good luck - it must be so awful for you both every morning...

sarah293 · 24/04/2008 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 13:47

it does sound like it is the SATS doesn't it, fgs

agree with HG, meet with the teacher and see what she says

Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 13:50

Thanks HG. I've already spoken to her teacher at length and she has been great. She doesn't like seeing her so upset too and according to her teacher she is "a perfect child, very well behaved, very helpful and works hard". If I could only try and make her a bit happier in a morning.

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nailpolish · 24/04/2008 13:52

it sounds to me like she is just missing you. what a sweetheart. reinforce the fairy thing. put notes in her bag like "have a good day dd!" and draw a big smiley face.

i am astounded you lot have tests for small children. we dont have that here thankfully

Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 13:53

see dd1 is "a perfect child etc etc" but in a way I think this is a problem sometimes

she tries to do everything perfectly and doesn't like making mistakes

so if she has to do something new, and the possibility of a mistake raises its head, she is distraught and doesn't want to try (eg learning new words etc)

could your dd be worried about 'making a mistake' and 'failing' these tests?

Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 13:54

I put a big smiley face in dd1's lunch box

or did do when she started reception (we had nearly 2 months of tears )

Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 13:54

I actually met with the Head this morning (accidently in the corridor as DD was so upset). I mentioned to her about DD being upset about the SATs and she went ballistic!! Not about DD but about the SATs situation. She really doesn't agree with them at all and said that the school doesn't really mention them to the children and when they do they tell them that it is nothing to do with the children, it is testing the teachers as to how well they are teaching.

I will speak to her teacher again. I didn't know that they are not compulsory. That is an option. She is only 6 FGS and it does make me that she feels under pressure at this age. I might mention to DD too about potentially not doing the tests and see if that makes a difference to the mornings.

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Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 13:57

Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head about being the "perfect child". She has 10 spellings to learn a week and some of the class have 12 or 15. Her teacher has wanted to increase her spellings for ages as she is getting 10/10 every week but DD doesn't want to as she doesn't want to get any wrong.

I have got a lot of work to do on building up her self esteem and fear of getting things wrong. Poor little thing. What on earth is going on in her little head?

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Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 13:59

have you read The Sensitive Child book? I can recommend it

will find it on Amazon, hang on...

Oliveoil · 24/04/2008 14:03

website

book

now she may not be sensitive, dd1 is, but reading the book gave me tips on boosting her confidence a bit

Original poster

boomie · 24/04/2008 14:07

That looks great OO - will definitely get the book. I just feel at the moment I am struggling to understand her and I need to be helping her more.

OP posts:

Julienoshoes · 25/04/2008 14:55

Just to point out something that may be blindingly obvious but then again maybe not........

boomie said

"Obviously, she has to go to school"

You do know don't you bloomie, that school is not compulsory?

Education is but school is not.

A growing number of families choose to home educate their children instead of sending them to school. There is a whole Home Education section to the mumsnet forum.

Home Ed is not going to be for everyone but
if folks have accurate information about home education then they can make the right informed choice about what is right for their family at that time.

hanaflower · 25/04/2008 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrimulaVeris · 25/04/2008 15:16

Boomie - my dc's well past Y2 but thing that struck me was all the references to SATS - fgs at Y2 they should not even be aware of them!

I think there are 2 issues probably here ... how the teacher/school is handling this issue; and the underlying issue of dealing with not getting 10/10 all the time - SATS or no SATS it's terribly important that what's important is doing your best, not being 'the best/perfection' iykwim. If she's got issues about that then repeated mention of SATS is going to make it worse. It's important to know that actually, it's OK to 'fail' sometimes (not put v. well sorry)

helenelisabeth · 25/04/2008 21:10

Hi Boomie, I would say she is plain and simply going through a bit of separation anxiety. I too didn't want to go to school between the ages of 4 and 7, my mum said I once even tried to open the car door whilst the car was moving! I never wanted to leave my mum, the big wide world was horrid compared to her and I just wanted to stay safe at home with her. I did grow out of it but some children are just insecure in school environments. Give her loads of encouragement, she will grow out of it but unfortunately for you, it is harrowing. I would lie stock still in bed at age 5 and not get up on a school morning, my poor mother had 2 other children to see to, I must have been hard work! I feel for you but keep strong.

constructiongirl · 27/04/2008 22:48

I registered tonight on MN just to find out whether anyone else was going through all this - wow, it's such a relief to know I'm not the only one. I always though separation anxiety was for babies, not older children too. My DD2 (now 4) has also decided school is not where she wants to be. Just since Easter hols. Probably just like you, I sob in the car park while she screams inside, restrained by her teacher from running straight out and clinging to my leg like a limpit. There's no clear reason as far as I can tell why she's suddenly got like this over the last week or so. We're going to try a special star chart at home - every "nice good bye" (ie. no tears) earns a star, then a treat etc etc. I'm also going to ask some of her classmates over to play at home, cos I think she needs some closer 1-2-1 friendships; it's not easy in a big group sometimes. I'll try the fairy idea too - sounds lovely. Fingers crossed for a better week (and for you too).

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