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Original poster

Please help I am tearing my hair out.

26 replies

MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 09:42

My beaurifuk baby girl has turned into a screaming crying monster over this past week. I am going insane. She is crying, throwing herself on the floor, wont sit still for a moment. She is like a little hurricane.

Yesterday I let her have a tantrum in the middle of a shopping centre. She was face down kicking and screaming because I veered her away from a designer clothes store (imagine the sticky hands and glaring assistants!). It was so bad an elderly Indian woman came up to me and asked me to pick her up and why was she crying. I said she i having a tantrum and I am letting her get on with it. Then another woman turned up and asked if she was ok. THEN a policeman turned up and she stood up for him - all smiles and held his hand and wandered off.

Last night she cried for what seemed like the whole night after a really traumatic bedtime (I mean shrieking, head banging the lot). Ive had 3 hours sleep and I am not enjoying this at all. I sank half a bottle of wine last night and lost it with other dcs.

Today in Waitrose she screamed all the way around until we got in the car. She is now throwing herself on the floor and screeshing with not a tear.

I feel like walking out the door. Its non stop. My other kids were not like this....

OP posts:
Nagapie · 24/04/2008 09:43

How old is she??

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 09:47

18 months

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Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 09:50

Please....

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Nagapie · 24/04/2008 10:02

I wish I could help ... I have just had a 1/2 hour journey from hell in the car trying to take my 3 yo to school - it started off because she didn't want to wear her red flashy shoes, culminating in a very wet pair of trousers, lots of bribery and all round bad mothering ... and far to early to dust off the bottle of gin...

The most useful advice I have received is to choose your battles wisely and know that in the grand scheme of things, it's only a phase...

Are you both just exhausted?? A warm bath and early bedtime tonight perhaps??

cory · 24/04/2008 10:15

Been there, done that. It will pass. And it's not necessarily any indication of what their temperaments will be like when they grow older. My dd was a right drama queen at this age, but is now a remarkably mature and easy-going 11yo.
I, apparently, was worse: my mother reportedly went around muttering: 'I'll never rear this child, I'll never rear this child'. Yet by the time I reached 5, I had morphed into "the sensible child".
So hang on in there; there may be better times ahead.

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 10:17

Ive just put the heating on and wrapped her in a big fleecey blanket and gave her a cuddle, but within a minute she was wriggling free and knocking things over. I am really really exhausted so lord knows she must be. Ecven if we got an hours kip I think I would feel better but it doesnt look like its going to happen.

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Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 10:18

How do you handle it now though? Just let her tantrum and leave her to it?

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Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 10:18

How do you handle it now though? Just let her tantrum and leave her to it?

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Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 10:18

How do you handle it now though? Just let her tantrum and leave her to it?

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HonoriaGlossop · 24/04/2008 10:37

If she's going to tantrum you can't actually stop her, so yes, leave her to it I think. Take that pressure off yourself; only she can stop herself, you can't make her stop.

I would go a long, long way though to avoid confrontation and I had to do this with my DS. Make sure you're not telling her what to do basically, unless it's safety related. Give her choices, work as a team together, get her on your side rather than trying to impose stuff on her, use humour and jokes, challenges, races, etc. I rarely asked or told my DS at this age to do anything directly, it was more "I'll race you to get shoes on, bet I'll be first".

Also reverse psychology worked a treat with him as in "I don't suppose you can put that wooden spoon back in the drawer, you're too little, aren't you?" They are usually desperate to prove you wrong! And result - you get the wooden spoon back in the drawer instead of being banged on the telly without a huge stand off/power struggle/tantrum.

I do think girls of this age seem to get a need to control things and get very frustrated if they can't. No point trying to stem the tide - LET her control whatever you can

It won't turn her into a spoiled child, and it may avoid LOTS of tantrums!

oydal · 24/04/2008 10:56

Hi
Just to let you know my daughter is going through a similar thing at the moment.
I dred taking her anywhere 'caus she is always worse when we are out of the house. Supermarkets are the worst and there is a battle everymorning trying to get her to hold my hand walking my ds to school. ds was similar to her tho... he's 4 now and so easy going.
I think most children go through this around this age...some worse then others, it really is a difficult time for them too. They are developing at an incredible rate but they can't tell you what's wrong so they get frustrated.
Give it time and soon she'll be understanding things better and then you'll be able to reason with her. There is no reasoning at this age.

Hope things get better for you soon!

emmywoo · 24/04/2008 13:54

Hi, My dd is coming up to 18mo and I really sympathise with you as she is being a little terror alos. She is remarkably behaved for everyone else, even her day but as soon as she is with me she is a little devil. I get hit, punched, slapped, refuses to hold my hand when walking and throws the most almighty tantrums. She is the perfect dd for everyone else. I do tend to leave her to throw a tantrum and tell her that once she is finished her and mummy can play and it does seem to work, as soon as I say that she finishes.

boobiestoosaggy · 24/04/2008 14:06

it is just a phase .and most kids behave for everyone else apart from their mums.

TomsMumLP · 24/04/2008 16:33

Hello,
I agree with HonoriaGlossop. Knowing what frustrates them & steering clear/trying to take their mind off of something (eg a button they aren't allowed to press) is easier than saying 'no' all the time. If it makes your life easier let them do it - does it matter that their toys are in a mess etc. She's obviously intelligent & getting frustrated & trying to understand what you think she's upset about would probably make you calmer too - especially if you can ignore tantrums. Maybe you could have a favourite toy hidden on your person when you're out &if you sense boredom/tantrum you can whip out the toy! -

collision · 24/04/2008 16:38

Reverse pyschology is brilliant and works wonders with both my boys of 6 and 3.

I hate to say it but it is a phase.

DS2 can be a pain in the neck and I have had to deal with him differently than I would have done with ds1. I try and avoid confrontation of all sorts with him and rather than say 'no' to him which causes a terrible temper tantrum I have to try and explain things to him and take him to a quiet corner and tell him that i know things make him cross etc etc This usually avoids the ttt and makes him calmer.

Sticker charts are great too but she might be too young for that.

distraction is something else I have used and then of course there is bribery!!

charx · 24/04/2008 17:35

Supermarkets are the worst battleground. My mum said that we were at our most foul when out shopping with her.

My DD is now 2+3 and when she has had tantrums in public, I would try to wait them out as eventually she would calm down - she is 1000x worse if I interfere. It takes A LOT of patience (and putting up with various onlookers) but I have been known to whip out my 'to do' list and update it or pick up a magazine and wait for it to pass. If she does it at home I have now implemented a sort of 2 strikes system where I ask her to calm down, try and find out what is wrong and then if it is still happening threaten putting her in the cot for calming down. The cot is good, cos I can close the door and know she will be safe! (and I get to calm down )

Getting round the shopping now: I have drawn some pictures of fruit, veg, etc and she has to get them for me when we go shopping and put them in the trolley. However, you have to be careful that the butternut squash does not get hurled in after the tomatoes!
After that it is bribery/snacking!

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 18:47

Thanks for the advice. I think that id she were a little older then maybe it would work. But asking ther to race for shoes on on decide to put something here or there - shes too young to understand.

Another hell on earth night last night and I am exhausted.

Thanks anyway.

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Tyniclogs · 24/04/2008 19:08

My DS is 18 months old today and I can sympathise entirely. Especially with the communication aspect. My DS isn't yet talking, he's still at the grunting and pointing stage but understands everything I say. In the past few weeks shopping has become a nightmare so I've taken to ordering online for whatever I can, I now head for lots of open space during the day and let him run wild. I often feel dreadful as I can suddenly lose it with him and shout which makes him cry...making me feel that I am the worse mother on earth. I always hoped I would be a saintly mother who would never raise my voice but it would appear I'm not.

Things have been worse and then got better and I know teething definately plays a part in his mood. As far as tantruming in public goes, stick two fingers up to all the tutters and head shakers and do what you're doing, big hug to you.

foxythesnowfox · 24/04/2008 19:17

Ignore as much as you possible can. Attention feeds the tantrum.

Choose your battles wisely.

Stay calm. Even if you are burning with rage yourself, be calm, calm, calm. Think of that glass of wine waiting for you....

Try to distract her out of it. "WOW! Look at that bird out of the window? Did you see it? Up there! Look!" Any such nonsense.

If its too much for you, calmly pick her up and put her in her room, shushing her. She always needs to know she's loved, even if she's in a rage.

Be very positive with her the rest of the time. Tell her she is wonderful, heap on the praise be as loving as you can. She might be feeling insecure.

Internet shop.

Lots and lots of camomile tea.

I think at this age there is a whole combination of things it may/may not be. Overtiredness, frustration at inability to verbalise, pushing your boundries etc.

Good luck, it will pass. Honestly.

mummyhill · 24/04/2008 19:38

If you think that the tantrums are because they are having trouble verbalizing try teaching them makaton signs for stuff they like. I found that teaching DD to sign worked really well, she stopped throwing so many wobblies. You can start signing with a child at 8 or 9 months. We did this with DS and he has a much better temperament. It is not a magic cure, just one of the tricks you can use to try and help you. The other tricks I keep up my sleeve are distraction and yes unfortunately bribery!

HonoriaGlossop · 24/04/2008 20:43

if you think she's too young for games, challenges etc then yes distraction is your biggest tool

totally agree with foxy's post - good advice indeed.

but I really think you might be underestimating her - most kids at 18 months can 'decide to put something here or there' - surely?

HonoriaGlossop · 24/04/2008 20:45

oh yes and just don't go shopping

Internet for food!

If you have a DH/DP then leave her with them while you go out for other sorts of shopping.

obviously it can't always be avoided but aiming to almost completely avoid shops is very sensible at this stage I think if you want a bit of an easier life

It's not forever.

Original poster
MoreSpamThanGlam · 24/04/2008 22:54

Some really really positive and excellent advice ladies, thank you .

Its odd, but tonight my dh did not come home (out with work) and dinner was a lot earlier and calmer, I did the bath, then took her back downstairs (she was WIDE AWAKE) and read her a story is a big blanket whilst she had her milk. She then got a bit restless and whimpery so I took her up to bed and she went off like a dream - a different child. I think she just wants me to do the routine and not dh.

I think she does understand a lot - my childminder has said she is very bright for her age, into everything and wants to do everything and has quite a good vocabulary. But a lot of the time I am sure she just choses to completely ignore me! Its more fun to climb all over the sofa/dining table/dog/stairs.

More open space will be good for me too I think so now that the nicer weather is here then thats what I will try to do.

I am off to try and get some sleep and will look into that signing tomorrow.

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devesa · 25/04/2008 13:12

Sorry to hear of your trials Morespam, My DD is nearly three and we have had a year of diff behaviour on and off. However we're expecting more when her baby brother arrives in 5 weeks time!
I would just say though one of the phases which DD did go through was very antidaddy...not wanting him to bath her or read a story etc and it's an important thing to fight. Obviously if Dh isn't around can't be helped but we decided to alternate bath and story. If I bath, Daddy reads the story and the next night the other way round. Otherwise you will end up doing everything and DD will get what she wants which as time goes on is harder to change.
DD is older than yours but the ealier she gets used to the routine the better I think. She needs to understand that Daddy is just as needed as mummy.
I do sympathize with you...it's very depressing dealing with awful behaviour and so tiring but stay consistand and suddenly she be out of that phase and into sth else!!
Good luck!

ruddynorah · 25/04/2008 13:15

good advice here. main thing for me when dd has had phases of this is not taking her to shopping centres or supermarkets. exhaust her instead at the park or swimming or whatever, burn off the energy rather than having her traipse round shops.