Anxiousness/worrying in 6yo DD - phase or problem??

[bootsmonkey]

My beautiful, funny, confident DD is developing into quite a worrier and I am not sure if it is a phase that all children go through at this age, attention seeking, or something I should be concerned about. It normally happens at bed time - she has generally been happy all day - and manifests itself in calling me back up repeatedly (bit of a flashpoint with me, so I may be less than receptive/empathetic as I could be). She says she is worried about something, but dosn't know what and she feels like she is going to cry. Can't give me any more info than that. She has also become alot more clingy and this resulted in what can only be described as a tantrum the other week when we put her to bed at grannys (new room) and went to have dinner. She worked herself up into a real state and wouldn't be calmed.

Now, I thought I was done with the tantrum stage and feel that she is too old for this sort of outburst. Part of me understands the normal fears of a little mind (attic room, spooky shadows, overactive imagination) and part of me thinks she is taking the piss. I do not want to get to a stage where we cannot go out as she will not cope with a baby sitter. We hardly go out as it is!!

THere are no problems at school that I know of - she enjoys it. No big life changes. I work, including overnight stays, but this has always been the case. I suffer from bad PMT and can be very irritable at times and the catholic guilt in me is homing in on this as being the cause, but I also realise that it is a mothers right to always blame herself first. We tell her she is pretty, clever, funny and we love her as often as possible and try to praise the good and gently point out the bad behaviour.

Has anyone else had the same?? Is it a phase?? Do they go through a hormonal upheaval at this age?? Any good coping strategies. I have tried to gently talk it through the next day, rather than getting into long drawn out conversations on the night which I feel would re-enforce any attention seeking aspect. We stupidly mentioned that we had found a (nasty looking) spider in our bed the other day and she has been obsessing over it! Note to self - engage brain before speaking in future!

How old is she?

she is just 6

any thoughts??

gentle bump

Hi boots- it is quite hard to say from your OP.
If your instinct is that she is doing it for attention then why does she need more attention?
Is she being overlookked at school/fallen out with her friends
It sounds like you cherish her, so I am sure she gets enough attention at home
I think you could take her out for a mummy and dd day and do something she'lle njoy and gently probe her over what shewants / is scared of
I haven't heard of this being normal in 6 yr olds but it is still very young and I think culturaaly we feel we should come down hard whereas a softly-softly approach is better

Thanks Mrsruffallo. I don't think she does need more attention (in fact ask my mother and she will tell you she gets too much of it at the moment anyway). She can be anxious within her friendships and has a tendancy to over analyse what they do & say (as much as a 6yo can) and is very sensitive to the politics of friendship which will only get worse, I am sure! She plays the fool/class clown which could be seen as defensive/peer approval behaviour. Or I could just be reading FAR too much into everything.

I also wonder whether her bed-time is too early in that she lies there thinking of things and winding herself up because she is not tired enough for sleep??

Or maybe I am just being precious. I expect her to think like an adult at times and forget that she is only wee.

Boots- there is more to say but will
come back later.

Sorry - haven't got any answers for you, but if it continues thought it might be a good idea to speak to her teacher. AS you haven't noticed any changes in her home life it might be worth looking outside of that.

Bedtime is a difficult time for some children. It's often an anxiety thing - if she's a bit worried about her friendships and how things will be at school the next day it will manifest itself at lights out when there's nothing to distract her. Plus mummy isn't in the room to reassure her.

Maybe the stark difference between the unconditional love she gets at home and the fragile nature of school friendships makes it hard for her to separate from you, where she feels safe?

Thanks for your answers.

Oydal - at recent parents meeting her teacher had nothing bad to say. She was doing fine, worked with a team & on her own. Happy, confident, etc. Not too bossy (another worry of mine) all ok.

Castille - interesting point. She is often knocked for six by typical playground comments from her friends of the 'I won't be your friend if....' variety and gets very confused by it all. She is an only child, so her interactions are pretty much confined to us at home & friends at school. Beat me with that stick - lord knows I do! I just feel for her as there is no quick fix to this. Playgrounds and childhood friendships can be pretty grim at times!!

I have a worrier too, dd1 is 5, 6 in June and bedtimes are very similar to how you've described. With my dd I think it's a personality thing, she can get really anxious at times - sometimes it seems like really silly things.

I've learned that saying 'oh that's silly, it'll be FINE' etc, doesn't work, she doesn't believe me and that's not what she needs. Now I just listen and make sure she knows that i've listened and understood. ie 'so you're worried that Kirsty won't sit next to you tomorrow and you'll be on your own.' or 'so you think that you might not remember your spellings tomorrow?'

I think we all have those fears that pop into our heads and often we're not even sure what they are - I guess at this age they're becoming so aware of themselves and other people, there's so much going on and we expect more of them than ever before. With dd I now try to spend some time before bed just talking - and try to end it on positive and happy things 'i loved that story you told me about that game you played with kate today, that sounded brilliant!' etc.

Oh and don't blame yourself, particularly about her being an only child! All children get worked up about school friendships, both my school-age girls do, to different degrees, it's much more a personality thing.

Boco's strategies sound great.

Boco - your post made alot of sense - I know that the 'it'll be fine' line is of no use to her at all, but sometimes it is all I can come up with when it has been dragging on for half an hour and my tea is getting cold on the table! I have the 'How to talk' book and will have to re-read it. It made alot of sense when I first looked at it a year ago. Sometimes you have to take a refresher course!

I am also aware that she likes to have a little chat about things at bedtime and it could be a nice 'bonding' time for us if factored into the night time routine. Thank you!

Castille - thank you!

anxiety is terrible for anyone

can you teach her techniques for dealing with her anxiety such as

deep breathing techniques (blowing out candles, pretend your fingers are candles.. or holding out your arms and pretending it's a big balloon to blow up)

find a child's yoga class that deals with yogic breathing too

writing things down .. or maybe if not yet fluently literate drawing things out

talking and listening

I think you might just have to help ehr through this stage with reassurance and attention .. she's only 6 so no point in trying to make her act like she's much older IMHO, she's entitled to be babied still

Thank you Twiglett - I agree that she has a right to be babied still and can't be expected to deal with this as an adult. I have suggested the deep breathing and writing things down, which she could manage after a fashion, but she dosn't want to... I don't think she really knows what the problem is tbh, just general existential angst....

Part of me feels like saying 'welcome to my world - get used to it!'

It's probably hard for her to put into words how she feels, bu tI agree it may be a general anxiety thing rather than something specific.
I wouldn't worry too much at this stage as it's probably something that will pass naturally.

You can try and help her develop coping thoughts though, which may be better than the usual reassurance which may help condition the brain to always react in a certain way to a certain situation.
You could say 'has anything happened before when you went to bed' (or something like that) so that she 'answers' her anxious thoughts.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense haven't got a lot of time but hopefully you get the general gist of it!