3yo not settling in nursery, possible ND

[leopard23]

DS turned 3 in July. He has always been cared for by his grandparents (for which we're so thankful) or by us.

However, we've recently started sending him to nursery 2 days a week in preparation for school. We're now 10 weeks in and it's a nightmare. We did additional settling sessions (3 weeks of one hour sessions with him), before leaving him for an hour and coming back the last few weeks. The staff say not to leave him longer as he doesn't settle at all during that time. He's so upset - crying, calling for us. When I collect him, he's like a different kid. He's pale, head down and clearly distressed. He sobs when he sees us - I think from relief. This is distressing for all of us and it's changing his behaviour at home. He's constantly talking about how he doesn't like it and doesn't want to go.

His birthday is late July (although he was due late August), so he's supposed to be starting school next September and I just can't imagine him waltzing into a classroom happily. I know a lot can change in a year; but he seems so immature emotionally and socially and I can't see how he'll manage.

He was premature and I know that increases risk of neurodivergence, so that's on my radar.

Has anyone else been through this? What can I do? I feel like the world's worst mum at the minute and can't see how it gets better whatever I do next.

Oh, that's very hard – for all of you.

Has he done any classes/groups, like stay and plays, swimming, football, music? Just in terms of knowledge of how he does settling in a different environment, with other children, with a bit of structure (but potentially still with a parent/grandparent).

Going more often is often advised to help them get used to it. Just two times a week can be hard for them to really get into the swing of it. So you could try upping the number of days, especially if it's just for an hour each day. That seems very hard on everyone's stress levels, though.

What is the setting like? How many children, how many in a room, is it free-flow inside/outside, what's their general approach to activities and keeping all the children occupied? When you drop in, does it seem noisy and chaotic, or relatively settled? What have they done so far to try to help him settle? Does he have a keyworker, and what have they done to try to bond with him?

Of course, as he is summer born, if childcare arrangements/finances allow, you could pull him out for now, try again in six months or a year, and just decide now that you're very likely going to defer him and he'll start reception at just turned 5, not just turned 4.

Have you ever taken him to playgroups? How is he there when he knows he's not being left?

My first wasn't happy to go into a room they was busy but was much better if we got there early and the room filled up afterwards.