Kids won’t listen to me at my wits end

[DonAli]

Hi I’m in need of some help. I have 2 daughters 9 and 11. Their dad died when they were very young so it’s just us. We get on really really well we are very close BUT they do not listen when I ask/tell them to tidy up. Ever. I have offered sweets, extra money, tried a chore chart. Tried yelling and asking calmly. It’s got so bad I will spend so long tidying then they would go in the room it’s trashed after 10 minutes. When they go in the house they throw their coats on the floor and leave their shoes anywhere. I ask them to pick them up they don’t. They dump all of their stuff wherever. Leave plates and snack wrappers wherever. My 9 yr old hides rubbish in her room. I’m at my wits end. The house is a state. I tried once putting all the rubbish my oldest left on the sofa on her bed. It didn’t work she literally just put it on her bedroom floor. They don’t seem to care at all. Does anyone have any tips? I really don’t understand why they’re like this now. When they were younger they were taught to put their rubbish in the bin etc and their rooms were nice. I’ve honestly never seen kids so bad but they really don’t care. If I take stuff away they don’t care 🤷‍♀️ they aren’t like this when they’re at other ppls houses they will be tidy and even help to tidy anything up. My oldest often stays behind at school to help tidy 🤷‍♀️

You need to be consistent with it. Like if you are taking their stuff away. Have a set task such as clean your room- no tv/ipad or whatever they use until the room is clean. But you need to follow through, pick a chore that you can leave untouched and keep the tv/ipad or whatever it is away from them until that chore is completed even if it takes days. Try not to make a big deal out of it or a punishment just a simple and calm explanation that they will get their things back when they complete what they need to do. Explain that in life their are things we HAVE to do even though we may not want to and once we have our responsibilities completed then we can enjoy our free time with tv or whatever it is.
They will likely fight you on it or else act like they don't care for awhile. It will annoy you and it will be hard. But it will eventually work. If you give in and either do it for them or just let them use the stuff then next time it will be 10 times harder as they will be waiting for you to give in. Don't use too many things at once pick the one thing that is most annoying to you but that you can resist the urge to do yourself. cleaning their room may be one that at least doesn't affect the whole house if it's not done but you could also use the jackets. Just make sure its something you can stick with all the time such as jackets are picked up today so here's your x today. Jacket is on the floor so no x till it's put where it belongs. Or else room is clean today so you can use x room is not clean so you can have x once it's clean.
Kids are stubborn and they won't do things if they don't have to do it. And it's almost more difficult to wait it out and make them do it. But after awhile they would get in to a routine of it.