4 year old out of control

[Hey40]

So possibly had the worst night of my parenting life. DH is away abroad at the moment and wanted to ring DS and me. I said to DS that daddy was going to call. He immediately said that he wasn’t going to talk to him and that he didn’t like him followed by a string of toddler insults, however he did miss him. I told him that I was sorry he felt that way, but I was still going to speak to him and DH would want to speak with him.

We were in the middle of a game when DH called so I answered and DS ran off. After a few minutes he came back, but then immediately started to grab the phone off me and when I didn’t let go threw cushions and toys at me. I was tired and I’m not really sure why but I just ended up breaking down in tears. At first DS was sympathetic and tried to comfort me, but then started throwing things at me and hitting me to get my attention away from DH. I tried my best to calm him, but he wasn’t having it and I had a panic attack. I feel really embarrassed I didn’t want my DH or DS to see me like that, but I just felt overwhelmed. DH was trying to calm me down and talk to DS to ask him to stop, but he wasn’t listening. I ended the call and DS asked me why I was sad and I said because he wouldn’t stop hitting me. His reply to this was that he wanted to. I tried making us some dinner, but after he had finished his he just threw sponges at mine until I just gave up and put it in the bin.

I’m so tired I just feel that whenever I try to ask my DS not to do anything he just doubles down on the disobedience even if it puts him in danger. Nothing seems to work, or at least for long; shouting, taking things away, descriptive praise, identifying good behaviour, talking on his level, ignoring, acknowledging feelings et etc. He is mean to our two cats pulling tails, pushing them, pinching them to the point I’m probably going to have give them away. He’s mean to me and my DH throwing things, hitting us, saying nasty things.

He has recently started school and I know behaviour is worse at home, but whenever I walk to school all other children are holding their parents hands. Mine just runs off and laughs at me when I tell him how dangerous it is! He can be a kind, sweet, funny boy when he wants but recently he is out of control and I’m at breaking point. I feel he should be old enough to know that this behaviour is wrong and starting to grow out of it.

Has anyone been through the same thing and does it get better? Did you need to get outside help?

Hi Hey40. I just wanted to send some solidarity, we are having the same issues with our 4 year old boy. Both at school and at home. It’s absolutely exhausting and I am walking on eggshells every day!
I’ve been reading two books “How to Talk to kids so they will listen” and “The Explosive Child”. Both have actually been really helpful. I was recommended them years ago and wish I’d read them sooner.
Good luck with your boy. I totally get what you mean when you say you look at the other seemingly perfect children and wonder why yours isn’t like that. It’s so tough. Speak to the GP and the school if you’re really struggling.

Hello , I’m struggling with my 3 year old behavior so much, she can’t accept no , she’s so demanding and strong will. I don’t want to go out of the house anymore , the only place she will have fun is the park. We also have issues with the pre school since last year that she started they always call me to go and pick her up every time she gets upset , they know I’m at home but what if I was at work how could I go ?
Do you think it’s normal for a pre school to call every time she gets upset ? I feel like they don’t want her there …I know she’s hard to deal with as she’s moaning and crying a lot but she doesn’t hit anyone or is in danger.
I’m so stressed all the time , I can’t wait for her to go to school every time and then they call me to go and pick her up . What would you do in my place ?

Hey @MatchesinEyes23 thanks for the solidarity and the book recommendations - I’ll give them a try. Currently reading ‘Calmer,Easier, Happier Parenting’, which has some good advice, although had another bad evening with DS. Teacher reported he had hit and spat at another child. Not sure how bad it was, but got home and he started hitting me and the cats and I ended up putting him on a time out in his room, which made me feel like
a terrible parent, but it’s just so exasperating. I just don’t get it - we don’t hit him or treat him aggressively. Occasionally I yell, which I try to avoid but nothing else sinks in. Called DH, who is back, although by the time he arrived the situation had de-escalated and he spent some 1-on-1 time with him, which helped. Have sent the HV a message though, as I’m wondering if there is a sensory processing issue here.

Hi @Lize90, sorry to hear your struggling with your little one too. It’s seems strange that your nursery keeps calling for you to pick her up. DS had some challenging days at nursery too, but they never asked us to come in unless he had injured himself, we just got a report at the end of the day. It doesn’t seem fair on you to keep interrupting your work and perhaps is fuelling your LOs behaviour because she knows they’ll call you.

@Hey40 all of that sounds really difficult. The two books that you e been recommended are good, I hope you get some help from them.

I'm glad that you've phoned the HV too, what have they said?

I would definitely mention how he is with the DCats if you haven't already.

Do they have a safe space where they can get away from him? When my DC were younger we had a child gate on the bottom of the stair that the DCats could get past so they could escape upstairs if they wanted to.

@Lize90 how old is your DD? Is she just 3 or nearer 3.5?

When she's upset, does she calm down after a few minutes?

How's her speech and language? There's a very simple progress checker here.

Hi @PolaroidPrincess HV sent me a link to a form to fill in tonight. We did have a stair gate, but DS can open it now, so we’ve taken it down. They can get on top of the cupboards in the kitchen and under the bed. The trouble is they’re just such tolerant animals that they just let him get away with it and don’t take themselves away from the situation.

I thought we had turned a bit of a corner with him today, as he had a good report from school and has been good since we’ve been home, but then out of no where went on a rampage and pushing the cats and climbing on me in a sudden burst of energy. I’ve put the tv on for him now and it seems to have calmed him down.

It’s really worried me, as I don’t want people to think he is some sort of psychopath in the making, as he’s a popular with the others kids and I know him to be a sweet and loving boy when he wants to be. I asked him if it was part of a game him and his friend play at school and he said it was. I just want to get to the bottom of what’s causing it.

I asked him if it was part of a game him and his friend play at school and he said it was. I just want to get to the bottom of what’s causing it

That's interesting. I can remember DS' Reception Teacher asking is not to let them watch Power Rangers as all of the boys were kicking one another at playtime.

The form that the HV sent, was it this one or this onee* or a completely different form?