Help, so miserable

[Shopgirl2]

My daughter, age 7, is making us all so miserable. From birth she screamed, and it never stopped. Multiple people told us, don't worry, it's just a phase, she'll stop by 1 year. It didn't stop then. She's 7 now and although the screaming is not constant day and night, as it was when she was a baby, it is regular and absolutely debilitating. Just now, she had a tiny splinter sticking out from her foot. She was crying and upset with it. I calmly looked at it and agreed, yes she a splinter there, and I can help her with it, it will take a second and be fine. Her crying started ramping up into hysterics, she would and then she wouldn't allow me to do it. I patiently waited, but it was just prolonging something that was relatively minor. Eventually I got her to hold some bubble mixture and wand, then swooped in and carefully extracted the splinter. As I leaned in to do it, her screams before I touched her became uncontrollable total terror full on screaming. The splinter was out, and she hadn't felt a thing, but then takes 15 minutes to calm down afterwards. This sort of thing happens regularly with a bumped toe, a small scratch, any kind of hurt that anyone might temporarily be upset about or bothered by, but this is full on melt down each time.
Yesterday she was screaming and crying because she wanted another pair of shoes, and didn't want to carry her 'too heavy' bag.
A previous night she was screaming because she wanted water.
How unusual is this (whether SEN or not, there are no other issues, it's fear and screaming that are the problem, school and socialising are fine)? Have you had the same and did it ever get better? How do you help calm your child when they are in absolute terror/fear mode?

I'd say it wax pretty unusual in a 7 year old.

Screaming and crying because their bag is too heavy is unusual too, especially if this is in front of peers.

Is she getting enough sleep? I think mine needed around 11 hours at this age.

And how does she do on this simple progress checker?

Also @Shopgirl2 have a look through these games and books to see if anything might help her

Thank you for replying!!
I took the test, she answers yes for nearly all things, apart from she needs reminding to listen, and that she doesn't say how she's feeling if something is snatched off her, she will say 'hey that's mine' and if she doesn't get it back she is quick to go into extreme upset territory.
She'll hold it all in more in front of peers, unless she's been hurt (however minor) it will still be a full on scream and cry (she has been embarrassed by this in the past in front of friends). Her language is excellent otherwise, reading and writing and talking she is ahead of probably all the others in her class. She's always begging me to see family and friends, so she's quite happy with others too, and I get a constant barrage of questions from her every day in a good way (what does that mean? Why? Lots of whys). It's her emotional response that is very extreme and quick to trigger. I think her sleep is good. We aim for her to get 11 hours, she's in bed by 7.30pm and she gets herself up around 7am, sometimes earlier if she hears us up. She also eats very well, diverse and healthy foods.

She sounds great in lots of ways. If you think her reading and writing is brilliant but she's missing some aspects of being able to express her emotions, have a read up on Hyperlexia.

Given though that the progress checker says that she needs done Supoort I'd try and get a referral to SLT. In some areas you can self refer.

It might also be worth reading up on masking in girls if she can generally hold it together in front of her peers

I've never come across hyperlexia before, something to seriously consider there. I've considered masking before. Also seriously considered autism, but my gut says it's not quite that but along those lines. I hesitate to refer her because when asking various teachers they don't think she has it, and she'll be super aware if I take her down that route. I'm guess I'm trying to get to the help without the diagnosis, which may not be helpful.

School never recognised it and n our experience. Neither the Teachers nor SENCO. I think of your SC is a girl and fairly well behaved at school they honestly don't give a damn.

If you are thinking at all about assessment, I'd try and get it done sooner rather than later. For us mild problems in Primary became stellar in High School when DD had to cope with hundreds of pupils, moving classrooms, more academic demand and puberty all at the same time.

If you don't want to get a referral now though I'd seek that referral to SLT and start talking about people with ASD who are good role models.

You could also go onto the SN Children section on MN and ask about applying for an ECHP and what it should include to help her with the meltdowns and what referrals the rather helpful and experienced MNers in there suggest

Amazing information, thank you. I heard these assessments can end up taking up to 8 years for some.
The hyperlexia thing I've just been reading up on and it's ringing right for some of the typical traits. What it means for my understanding right now, is that I will start writing down simple instructions to help her understand what I am asking. I feel that's the right thing to start looking into, rather than straight-out ASD, which I've not ruled out at all, but I couldn't see it fitting in the right context, but with the hyperlexia side it does so more. There's a good SEN person at the school so I'll contact to ask. Thank you 😀. Maybe I can keep a feelings chart handy too, I have one printed out with the words on, she might find that useful. Ideas to go from now anyway.

She doesn't actually need a diagnosis to get an ECHP and SLT, I'd still think about getting one

From a behavioural perspective, I'd sit down and discuss it with her when she's in a good mood, let her talk and also give her some other options of how to behave when something is bothering her.

I'd also suggest that when you get a screaming session over something like a heavy bag, you explain that if she can be quiet and breathe slowly for five seconds you will hold the bag, Then do this together - the breathing slowly together and you counting. Then create the positive consequence ie you carry the bag. So she learns the quiet has a positive result.

The other thing I've found helpful is to mirror the behaviour to the child. So next time she is in a good mood, pretend to have a meltdown about something silly eg you can't get your zip to do up. Do it for a few seconds, enough to let her be surprised, then have a giggle together about how you were just playing and laugh at yourself about it. Don't point out the similarity to her behaviour, let her make that connection herself.

You know your daughter inside out I'm sure, so how helpful these suggestions are and whether to try them or not you will instinctively know.

Those are great suggestions @undertheseanow