Very worried about 2.7 ds' behaviour. Things getting worse not better. Any help regarding hitting, imaginative play and aggressive behaviour TBH I'm at the end of my tether.

[jmum6]

Dp and I have a 2.7 ds who can be delightful, loving and caring. However he has occassionally hit out at other children, adults or us. He has also bitten, scratched, kicked and headbuted.

This behaviour has really increased over the last few months until he is hitting us 3,4,5 times a day. This does happen when things don't go his way, when he is frustrated or when he is denied something he wants. It is also happening if I am dressing him or about to get him ready to leave the house. He hits out at both dp and I, but it does seem to be more me than dp tbh.

We have tried ignoring it, but after a few months decided to use time out. This does work if we are in the house, but not if we are out. We only use time outs for aggressive behaviour.

However, this is clearly not working, and rather than ignoring it (which I know I should do) it is upsetting me, and occassionally I have been in tears over it.

I can't understand why ds does this. He has NEVER been smacked, and dp and I don't hit each other. If we restrain his arms to stop him hitting us, he then kicks, headbuts or bites instead.

I am a teacher and work with FS children as well as KS1/2. So I do have some child development/behaviour training and experience, and have tried to do everything by the book. We ahve read toddler training to death and use Dr Greens ideas. Dp and I are consistant with each other in our approach to behaviour management.

Another area I am worried about (which may or may not be connected to his behaviour) is the amount of roleplay/imaginative play ds does. At first I proudly ticked it off as him hitting a milestone, but it seems to be becoming slightly obsessional.

He pretends to make us cups of tea, but is completely immersed within the role and it goes on and on and on, he does it wherever we are and while he is doing it he is so focused that he completely ignores instructions unless they are about the cup of tea. He has a similiar roleplay about making icecream. He can be in the middle anywhere and without prompting slip into role, and we've lost him for a while. Is this normal imaginative play for a 2.7 year old?

Any thoughts or comments gratefully received.

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God, no idea. Sounds quite worrying. Is he happy and loving at other times? Does he prefer to be in certain places etc? I can only offer sympathy here as my 2 yr old has lashed out once or twive in last 5 months and been severely shouted at. Not done it since.
Could you have a set time for making (real ish) ice cream? As a bribe? When we get home you can make us all a nice little drink/ cuppa/ ice cream etc.
Good luck. x

Google dyspraxia and look at BBC site for good info. Have some ed/special needs experience but not specific enough to help.
I know how much a 2 year old can hurt physically so really hope you get some help and a break soon

If it is any consolation my ds was also like this when little. He could be very aggressive. Time out is a good strategy because it allows everybody to calm down-as long as it is followed up with a clear explanation that it is wrong and must not be repeated.

When out I used time out-ie on a bench at the playground-and would be prepared to take him home from parties etc if he re-offended!

It seems like it isn't working because as a little one he has no control over his impulses yet. The only comfort I can give is that it will almsot certainly stop-wehn he learns some self control and matures. There are no quick fixes in my experience. Age is a great leveller-My ds is now 6 and gorgeous he wouldn't dream of hitting us or anybody else and believe me he was really hands on!.

All I can advise is to keep doing what you are doing-and try not to expect too much of him-he is still a baby really.

Have no advice re the imaginative play. He just sounds like a very intense little boy!

Me again! Read your post properly and don't think you should worry too much. Are you and DP stressed generally? Are you trying too hard, if you know what I mean? My DS picked up on stress last month (coincided with strop -attack).

My extremely sweet natured and delightful DD morphed into a compete terror at around 2 1/2. So did all her little friends. They boys especially became very aggressive - lots and lots of hitting and pushing. At 3 1/2 they are now all over it and have reverted to being mainly charming again.

To be honest, not much of what I did seemed to make an impression on my DD while we were going through the "terrible twos". Her particular stunt was doing runners when we were out and about. I used time out in the buggy, but I don't think it made much difference. It just naturally got better as she got older and she stopped being so impulsive and was more able to link consequences to behaviour.

It sounds like you are doing everything right - time out every time he is violent, ignore the bad stuff, praise the good. To be honest, I just think some children are more spirited / fiesty that others. It's perfectly normal, or seemed to be amongst the very many mums I know with toddlers. I'd be prepared to bet that a lot of people you know with kids the same age are having the same issues with behaviour, and if they aren't, then they will very soon. It doesn't mean your child is going to end up a delinquent or that you are doing anything wrong. It will get better.

He is a very good sleeper (a saving grace atm) he sleeps 12 hours at night, and often has at least 2 hours during the day.

He eats a well balanced diet, as we have found his behaviour is worse when he eats anything with additives/colours in.

But yes, he is worse at stressful points during the day (getting dressed, when we are late, if another child gets too close to him etc).

In regards to discipline, he responds very negatively to ANY negativity from us (timeouts/raised voices/removal from child/conflict) and this escalates the hitting. He does enjoy praise and cuddles, so we use positive reinforcement all the time, where possible.

And we do a mix of physical activites, arty things, cooking, trips to park, quiet time, stories so to stimulate but not over stimulate!

I'm going to google dyspraxia now - Thanks everyone.

neolara - thank you, thats very reassuring

A few of the sysmptons fit, but as I thought, ds is not clumsy at all, has a very good gross and fine motor control, and is quite accurate at throwing and catching a ball etc.

However, he can be obsessional, and was slow to speak (can be lazy with pronounciation still).

Maybe it's just normal 2 year old behaviour!

he is just a normal 2 year old imo

Imo honest this sounds like the behaviour of the majority of 2-3 year olds I have known, Im not sure ignoring the kicking, biting etc is a good idea though. I have always got eye contact and said sternly you do not hit/smack/bite mummy/daddy/brother/friend.
Time out step at home and if I am out kneeling down and again eye contact and repeated you must not kick/bite etc, mummy is very upset when you do that please do not do it.
Also and im not sure if this is correct but still works if we are going out I have a little chat prior to leaving, we are going out now and I need you to do as mummy asks and be a good girl if your behaviour is good you will get a little treat. If out and if things are looking like they are going down hill I say remember our little chat if you want your treat you will have to do as mumy asks. Eventually they get the message.

Sounds pretty normal to me- the imaginative play thing sounds like he has a great imagination...my daughter is the same age and would be constantly 'in role' if she could. She has her favourite role play games too- they can be very repetitive and frustrating for an adult but stimulating for that age i think... you could try to expand the games to widen his play- perhaps change an element of the 'tea-making' and see what happens...

My DD doesn't hit much but she does get very frustrated at all the times you mention- particularly when you're trying to get her ready, esp if late. She responds well to 'I'm counting to 3. I want you to stand still/come here/whatever or you will have to go to you room/bed/timeout/naughty step....1...2...3". She almost always does what I want by three and if not, then it's time out. I think overusing time out can be a problem.

How assertive you sound when you speak can also have a big effect. Keep it very simple, spelling it all out for them, lots of eye contact. You don't need to raise you voice- lowering it is much more effective. Make sure you and DP are both doing exactly the same thing when he misbehaves...that's crucial.

My dd made me a cup of tea in the swimming pool today, it was stone cold, and tasted a bit chemically.

lol re the swimming pool tea! Sounds like that won't be Tetley's next formulation!

Ds had a phase of getting aggressive with us when he didn't get his own way which seems to have improved now. He's 2.10.
He'd pinch or push us when angry. It wasn't really pre-meditated I could tell - he was losing control of his emotions.
I don't know whether things would have improved anyway but I talked to him about taking deep breaths when he is angry and calming down. He would get angry stil initially but then started doing deep breaths and would calm down much much quicker.

He seems now to have forgotten this and weirdly now when he gets angry or really upset, asks for a drink of water?!? I've no idea where this is coming from but it's a lot better than being attacked.

He also has this bizarre role play game that he plays A LOT. On the one hand it keeps him occupied for ages and is reassuring sign he uses his imagination but on the other hand I share your concerns that such things can get a bit too obsessive.

I hope your ds grows out of it soon or you find a solution.

sounds like textbook toddler behaviour to me. My daughter has been the same. It is really difficult and i certainly found it quite alienating at times having to be the one leaving the parks, play dates early..I think there is no option but to carry on doing what you are doing. ONe day it will make a difference but in my experience not over night. Try to plan to avoid the flashpoints so you don't get stressed as this tends to make worse e.g. aim to leave 15 mins earlier than you have to.. etc

Have you thought about how much language your child is understanding? My son (now 11, lovely, doing well at school)did all of the stuff you mention at that age and turned out he had a speech and language difficulty. It's the understanding bit that is important - is your child relying on visual clues/routines to get throught he day and is conversation a bit limited? If so, it might be worth getting a specialist assessment from a Speech and lang therapist or paediatrician as early help can really make a difference. AFASIC is a charity with excellent info on all this. If understanding is fine - probably a touch of the terrible two's!!!! (I am a Speech and lang teacher of wonderful children - even if turns out this is the prob is not end of world I promise!!

Thank you everyone, you have helped to put things into perspective for me, and it really helps to know other 2 year olds are like it as well.

I will keep doing the timeout and also counting to 3, as when I have used it is effective. I will try to use it more often and follow through with timeout etc if I get to 3!