Hi, this is my first post ever here. And one I'm finding very difficult to write.
I have a 10 month old boy, who I love with my whole heart. I found the birth and the 4th trimester very very difficult. I couldn't breastfeed despite my absolute wish for it, and this pushed me into PPD, which I'm getting counselling for (unsure how effective it is).
My and my husband live in the UK without any of our families as we are expats. It's been incredibly hard doing this on my own. My husband works and frequently goes on trips abroad. My boy has seen me every day of his life, I have never left him with anyone overnight and I have only left him with someone other than my husband less than a handful of times. I spend a lot of time with him, ever-present, forgoing my needs and house chores just so that he is not alone and in need of something that I cannot deliver.
The first 2 months of his life my husband was off, and the duties were split pretty much 50/50. I was also pumping 8-9 times a day for half an hour, not being to physically hold my baby at that time.
I don't think my boy likes me and it makes me feel very sad, and does nothing for my PPD. He doesn't show enthusiasm when he sees me. He doesn't show sadness/cry when I leave him. On the other hand, when he sees my husband or even the dog, he gets super excited, reaches out to him and if he hands him over to me again he gets upset. Today was the third time I have left him with a baby sitter, and when I went to collect him every time, not even a smile. He is a smiley baby and smiles to pretty much every one he meets. He does also cast me smiles and glances when he is playing.
I just feel so bad about it. It wasn't love at first sight when he was born- I lost a lot of blood and was in high-dependency, and my boy was in NICU for a couple of days. I did feel immense responsibility though and an entire weight of the world when he was born, rather than an immense feeling of love. That came after, gradually, as the PPD started to lift slowly (it's still there).
I just want to go back in time, forget about the stupid breastfeeding and pumping because I was so focused on that instead of being with my baby, and start all over, but I know that's impossible. I am just so sad thinking about it all. Thank you for reading this far.