Part of this is in the wrong section, but didn't really know where else to put it. Sorry it's so long, but I do hope somebody might persevere and offer some advice for me.
My best friend lost her mum in September to cancer. She'd been diagnosed in the May so although they had some warning, it was very shocking and extremely sad. BF has a ds who is 11. He had just started at my secondary school the week before his nan died and I tried to keep a special eye on him. We let his pastoral head know and the school were very supportive, esp his form tutor. My BF was single parent for much of his upbringing; his nan was his second carer - a lively, loving, 'young' 68 and they were very close. Anyway he seemed to be dealing wth everything well; he made friends at his new school, got involved with the drama production and academically is bright. He's also very 'feminine'-looking and artistic, and gets some stick for this from some kids at school. He mostly hangs round with girls and seems to be very matter-of-fact about any name-calling and can certainly hold his own so most kids leave him be.
Another colleague teaches him English and she knows I am close with his mum. She mentioned to me this week that he had been very withdrawn, almost tearful in class and wondered if everything was ok at home. I said I'd ask his mum, which I did.
She told me that yes, he had been very tearful one day this week and when she asked him about it, he told her he'd cut his eyelashes off , but couldn't explain why he'd done this. We are obviously concerned about this but he won't talk to his mum about it further. My thoughts are that maybe it's an attention-seeking thing, in reaction to the bereavement OR could be a more conscious effort to remove something that makes him look feminine; maybe he's becoming more self-conscious about his looks and has started to dislike his appearnace? Anyway, that's one of the problems and I wondered if anyone had any expereince or ideas about how we can help him or if it's just a passing thing?
The other thing has really shaken me. I told BF that I'd discreetly talk to her ds's pastoral head and ask that she keep an eye on him just to see if he seems upset again at school. I don't have much to do with this woman (the pastoral head), she's not my cup of tea really, but I did see her to explain about BF's mum at the start of the year and I had told her me and his mum were close friends. AT the beginning of morning meeting at school today I leaned over to her and said "I wonder if I can talk to you after the meeting about **, please?" to which she replied "Oh god, he's a right weirdo. He's a freak". The meeting started then and I had no time to react although I was so I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself. As the meeting ended she just took off to speak to someone else, obviously forgetting I had wanted to talk to her. She has also obviously forgotten that I know his mum very well; and not sure whether she has remembered about his family circumstances but if she has, she's a shit pastoral head for not being in tune with the kids she's sposed to look after and if she hasn't, then there's even less excuse for her. I was apopleptic with rage and hardly knew what to do with myself.
AT this point the Head came up and said "You ok?" and I ranted it all out. (I'm friends with the Head and his dd is friends with this lad so he knows the situation). He was furious.
I went to my lesson and the Head came in later and said he'd 'dealt with the lady in question and she wouldn't be doing it again.' He told me later that he'd bollocked her and told her commenst like that had no place in his school.
...which is great of him, but now I'm left with the probable reputation for running off to the Head to tell tales, plus I regret pouring it out to him the way I did, but I was just so angry. I'd have said the same to whever it had been who I'd spoken to next but it's unfortunate in some ways that it was the Head. I'm not working tomorrow but I am planning to maybe ask to see her Monday to clear the air - tell her I regret telling the Head before speaking to her myself (I still would have torn her off a strip), but that I was very upset to hear what she'd said about this poor lad.
I'm also considering asking if he can move Houses next year - if this is typical of the 'pastoral care' he can expect then that's appalling. But I can't tell my BF what was said. Help!