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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd becoming very materialistic

22 replies

lucykate · 17/04/2008 13:29

sorry if this sounds all a bit waffled, i'm not sure how to explain it.

dd has started becoming very materialistic, all she talks about is what toys she wants, she's constantly going on about her christmas/birthday list, and it has all come to a head this morning. dh is in new york this week and she refused to speak to him on the phone, and only changed her mind when she realised from my conversation with him that he was in a toy shop.

it's making me quite sad, we don't spoil our dc's, christmas this year was quite frugal, most of the presents we gave other people i made myself, which i got her involved in too as she made her grandma's chocolate truffles. my mum does go overboard with presents though, which does grate on us a bit, we can't and don't even try to compete.

i just don't know where all this is coming from, please tell me it's normal at this age (she's 6), i don't know how much more of 'i want, i want' i can take

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ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 13:33

Ds (4) is like this too. I hate it but I am trying to read it as something more like 'I am bored' or 'I need you to give me more cuddles' because I think I tend to try and use shopping to replace those things myself!!!

It's very hard. It is always worse when he has been watching TV especially with the adverts.

School too - if another little boy has something 'exciting' he wants it.

I try not to spoil him but my mother is awful for pandering to every request, and always has done since he was tiny. I suspect this might be where the problem lies

Original poster

lucykate · 17/04/2008 13:47

at least i know it's not just me that has this problem.

dh does want to get both the dc's a treat, he's over there plus has a bit of spare cash and feels he wants to make up for christmas, but i've told him i want to sit down together and decide what she can have, and what we'll put away when he gets home. i don't feel atm she really deserves treats.

i blew up at her this morning as she got her new glasses yesterday. she took them off to put make up on (again, which my mum bought for her), the trod on her glasses, they were totally bent out of shape and she's had them less than 24 hours. the incident just compounded over a weeks worth of thoughtlessness from her

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paddingtonbear1 · 17/04/2008 14:02

my dd has suddenly started doing this too. She's 4. tbh some of it may be my fault, she is our only one and sometimes when I go supermarket shopping I come back with a cheap toy/book for her. She was always dead grateful before and never asked for anything, but more recently she keeps saying 'have you bought me any toys'? I've stopped buying stuff now cos I don't want her to always expect it, and have explained she already has plenty. She now has to wait for our holiday or her birthday.
tv advertising has a lot to answer for too I think - she sees stuff she wants on the kids channels!
dh's parents spoil her a bit too has she is currently the only grandchild.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 14:04

Oh I know how you feel.

We went in Woolworths the other day with mum and he kept on and on abut buying a toy, and eventually I said Ok, somthing very little as he'd been good about getting new shoes.

Then he followed me and mum around as we suggested things, saying in the most horrible, spoilt brat voice you can imagine, 'no. That's boring'.

I nearly lost it but my mother was there and she never will break her word to him so we had to buy something, despite my wanting to take him outside and say 'that is appalling behaviour'.

I think shopping trips with my mum have to be avoided now.
Can you get the glasses fixed? Hope so.

Miaou · 17/04/2008 15:36

lucykate

Sorry, I don't know what to suggest! But wanted to acknowledge your thread I guess.

Does she see much advertising on TV? We have a mantra in our house which seems to work - "if they have to advertise it on TV, it's probably rubbish" - sounds mad but it does seem to work. Plus the kids are only allowed to watch cbbc and cbeebies (though I appreciate 6 is an awkward age as she is kind of between the two).

Also, do you know what her friends at school are like? If they are materialistic then she may be picking it up from them. Sounds a bit back-handed, but how about some playdates to observe their friendship? If this is the case, then it gives you another angle to approach it from at least (not saying she should drop her friends btw!)

The presents from your mum - does she just give expensive presents, or just lots all the time? If the latter, can you chat to her about cutting down on the amount of stuff she buys them? Is she approachable enough for you to be able to do that?

It is difficult if you feel they are not appreciating what they have and seem to just want more

Anna8888 · 17/04/2008 15:39

My elder stepson became incredibly materialistic in his last year at primary school (when he was no longer learning anything, just biding time)/very beginning of secondary school.

It all disappeared overnight when he got his first secondary school report, which wasn't up to the expected standards. My partner said that DSS1 was now to work. He did.

He now thinks about school and homework, not toys.

windygalestoday · 17/04/2008 15:41

the glasses can be fixed or replaced- shes only 6,let her have a small pressie from new york of daddy and then i think u have to think of a way to get nanny to see what i suspect are becoming a big issue for you......our ds3 is 7 he gets little gifts off people and its crap!! soooooo we are getting him a nintendo ds so that all the cheapy little gifts of £5 or under can go towards the games!

i think he behaviour is quite common for a 6 yr old and it will soon pass. good luck

chrissnow · 17/04/2008 16:06

I think as they get older their memories are better so they don't see the same toys and think 'ooh exciting' like little ones do. Also they are mixing more with lots of other children at school so they see a lot more 'stuff' that is out there and not just what is at home. They are aware of advertising more. Things are more real iyswim. But they are not old enough to appreciate money and work ethics.
I'm sure with lots of gentle explanations (including one to mom!) she'll grow out of it just fine.

ninedragons · 17/04/2008 16:48

Can you give her pocket money so she has to learn that she can have A, B or C but not all three?

HonoriaGlossop · 17/04/2008 17:04

my ds is rising 6 and he now does this for the first time. Constantly thinking about/talking about what he wants with his pocket money, and has even started his christmas list

I think it's partly to do with boredom as we are in the school holidays!

We are doing as ninedragons suggests and giving pocket money so that at least when he's thinking and talking about stuff it's in a real context as in "well if you want that it will take you four weeks to save for"

but it is not a nice phase I agree, hope like Anna's DSS, his mind will get taken up with other things soon!

twinsetandpearls · 17/04/2008 17:06

DD went through a phase like this although we were to blame as we had been spoiling her. DD gets pocket money using the pasta jar and that has taught her she can't have everything.

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 17:28

It's very hard to explain to a nearly five year old who has no concept of time, that his birthday is in four weeks - he wakes every day asking if it is today!
He can't seem to wait for anything. I am thinking about doing pocket money, once he is big enough to make sense of it...for now it is just 'No, love' and some attempts at explaining why.

Anna8888 · 17/04/2008 18:14

Been thinking about this.

In my DSS1's materialistic phase, it was definitely a case of him not having enough real goals to work towards. Like I said, he was just coasting at the end of primary school (straight As on his report and using 1/10th of his brain to get them).

As soon as we started following his school work in secondary school more closely, and telling him that we expected him to get an average of 16/20 (this was totally feasible for him) instead of the 13/20 he got on his first report, and gave him lots of encouragement, he completely forgot about his next purchase/present as a goal. All his goal-achieving energy goes on school work now.

Anna8888 · 17/04/2008 18:15

My partner also gets materialistic when he's bored at work and doesn't have enough goals to achieve - he starts wanting to buy cameras and watches and cars and aeroplanes

Vulgar · 17/04/2008 19:01

Is your dd a collector?

My Ds gets really obsessed with wanting whole sets of things. At the moment it's Bionicles and of course they keep bringing out new ones.

TBH I like collecting things too so I kind of understand a little bit.

Plus I find that children all boast about what they have got ALL THE TIME. It only takes one to start it off!

ImflightbutIcantlogintoday · 17/04/2008 19:07

Anna, that is very interesting. I think in the light of that I need to get a job NOW before another shopping spree

Seriously, when I am working I don't want to buy stuff - it loses interest for me.
You are really onto something there.

The sooner Ds is back at school the better!!

ingles2 · 17/04/2008 19:15

A lot of it depends on their personalities I think. Ds1 8 is seriously materialistic, and tbh I can't stand it! We very rarely buy the ds's toys and treats other than books (I'm am a bit of a bookaholic) He never has any money in his bank account, he spends it the minute he gets it, and is constantly thinking about what he wants next. Even on club penguin he's worrying about how many coins he has to buy something for his igloo.
To be fair though, last year he did save £100 or something to buy a playstation.
Ds2 6 on the other hand, not a materialistic bone in his body. has about £75 in his money box from Xmas and money from grannies. There is nothing he wants to buy! His birthday is soon, has no ideas what he wants and has only asked for Stig of the Dump on CD!

catinthehat · 17/04/2008 19:26

Anna that is v interesting set of observations, agree you are on to something

Anna8888 · 18/04/2008 08:59

Have had yet more thoughts.

My second stepson is currently in the final year of primary school and is bored stupid and learning nothing while getting excellent marks, just like his brother before him.

DSS2 hasn't turned to materialism to fulfil his need for goals - but he has turned to computer games. Which fulfil an identical need IMO.

Long live next year and secondary school. We have already told DSS2 that he has a chance to "beat" his older brother and get 16/20 in his first secondary report - we need to get his energy focused ASAP as he is not a pleasant child to be around at the moment.

DSS1 is absolutely charming, btw (he was a horror 2 years ago).

Original poster

lucykate · 19/04/2008 21:52

thanks for all your replies, she's been a lot better the last few days. i think it's about time we gave her a couple of jobs to do around the house to earn some pocket money. that way she can start understanding more about how much things cost. atm, i don't think she has much comprehension of that side of things.

and you are right windygales about my mum spending so much on the dc's, it is an issue for us, and we do need to deal with it.

it hasn't helped this week with it being the school holidays, dh away, and me with reoccurring tonsillitis, my tolerance went down to zero.

the glasses are fixed, she has not managed to bend them so much out of shape since she was a baby, but i had it out with her after this - she was going on so much about what dh was bringing back for her from new york that i asked her what would she prefer, daddy home safe and sound, or a bag of toys, and she didn't answer. i could see her milling it over in her mind so i sent her to her room and said she should think very carefully before answering.

anyway, dh is home now, she's had some books and a doll (barbie as dorothy from the wizard of oz as it's one of her favorite films).

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tissy · 19/04/2008 21:56

completely normal! My 6 yr old cannot go shopping without planning what she is going to get! I have to tell her in advance, "We are not going shopping to buy you something, we are going to the Co-op to get bread, milk, etc. No you can't have a magazine, you had one on Saturday. We have enough chocolate biscuits, we're not getting any more........" ad infinitum.

I hope it will pass!

ChocFudgeCake · 19/04/2008 22:16

I noticed that my friend's kids have a perfect idea of what they want, I then realized that they got it from the telly. We don't have any channels, we just watch videos and DVDs, they do not see any advertising They are still very young, almost 4 and 2, so far they are happy with whatever comes from Oxfam or LIDL or birthdays. When we go to Woolworths, I let them look at all the toys and they enjoy themselves, later when it's time to go they might ask for a toy, but we manage to leave without tears. I used to tell them that the toy "lived" in the shop and was staying there, DS1 found that very reasonable. But I'm not trying that argument anymore.
I do have the feeling that by the time they reach 6, they will know very well too, from classmates, what toy is "in".

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