Worried about daughters bad behaviour on day out

[Puggymummy19]

I am taking my DD7 and her friend out to an attraction park soon and I am already thinking about the bad behaviour that I know is going to happen. My daughter can go from a happy funny chatty girl to someone very angry and aggressive in the flick of a switch over a minor inconvenience. She will shout demands at me, pinch, hit sometimes even spit honestly it is awful. She will do it at home or in public she has no shame and it’s so embarrassing. She in the past has hit her best friend and shouts at her sometimes which I am so ashamed of. I’m worried she’ll lose her friends but that’s a post for another day! When she’s in a good mood she is amazing company and we have a lot of fun together but always treading carefully not to set her off. Sometimes she will do something I find funny but she didn’t Intent for it to be so and I’ll laugh and this will set of her rage. Other times she is actively trying to be funny and silly and make me laugh. It’s hard to know her boundaries.
its enevitable that something will set her off while we are out. She has at least one episode a day like this.

Just looking for any advice or anyone out there feeling the same about their child. She is very well behaved at school and with other people. It seems she only does this to people closest to her i.e her parents and best friend.

It sounds as though she's getting overwhelmed. I think you're right to be worried about the Theme Park. Are you able to incorporate some quieter memoirs into the day? If it's Alton Towers you could have a walk through the gardens and a little picnic on the grass?

It also sounds as though she might be struggling to express exactly how she's feeling. How does she do on this simple progress check first 7 year olds?

Is your daughter neuro divergent? Or suspected to be so? This is classic ND overwhelmed behaviour. Sensory overload - too many choices, too loud, too busy, too many instructions to follow. My son (ADHD and autism) struggles with having to follow other people’s choices and directions so where we can we let him choose what ride next or what direction to walk through the park. He struggles with the answer no when he wants things - ice cream, slush, big buckets of candy floss. We usually say you can have one treat and that’s all. When he’s had it and asked for something else we remind him that he has xyz so is not having anything else. He does have a lot of tantrums and strops and his mood can change on a dime but we have got better at managing them. Generally ignoring them and letting him come around in his own time works.

So it’s massively common for bad behaviour to emerge when around the safest people. Take it as a compliment. However the behaviours are usually for a reason and mean that there is an unmet need. This can be for all people and not just those with sen when this is explained the most. It is worth keeping a track of behaviours of concern and what triggers them and see if you can find a pattern. Is it that she can’t cope with change? Does she need the day planned and stuck to? Does she have all the information. Are the places you’re visiting too busy or too noisy? Are there things you can put in place to help regulate her behaviour? What makes her calm and happy? Can you put a bag together of things which would help calm her down when she flips from good mood to bad mood? Can she explain why her mood has changed? You can buy or make some emotion cards so help explain different emotions. I work in Ann sen school and also have an autistic child. I’m not suggesting your child has any specific issues however the types of things I need to put in place at home for my child and at school for my pupils would also be helpful for all children. The key is being consistent. It might also be instinct to punish however the behaviour usually has a meaning behind it so if you can work out what is causing it then you can either prevent it from occurring by avoiding triggers or you can help to calm and regulate by staying calm yourself and offering a safe space for her to calm down.

If you are concerned about behaviours then you can talk to the school or the GP. My own child has no issues in school and was a model pupil behaving and doing work etc but the meltdowns at home were awful. Home is the safe space and school isn’t so she masks her emotions and behaviours at school and then blows when she gets home. The fizzy bottle effect. Bubbling all day and then something minor at home makes her blow but the minor thing isn’t the issue really. It’s the culmination of issues over the day building up.

I must have cross posted at the same times as you but my comments are on a similar field to yours. I know Mumsnet gets cross at people trying to diagnose ND people but when you have the experience of the same thing it immediately rings a bell.

What consequences are put in place for this behaviour?
Even if she is ND (which she may be, girls do mask it better) I think there is also a lack of respect for you.
I have an ND child but there is still consequences for hitting and personally I find spitting absolutely a big no and my child understands this.
We have found there is no point trying to talk him down or try and de-escalate it at the time but afterwards when calmer we sit down and have a chat about what has happened and how dealing with things by lashing out is unacceptable and alternatives things we could have done to help the situation.
He is now almost a teen and now the ‘tantrums’ are less because we’ve become better at recognising his needs, for instance he would never had enjoyed a theme park so we would have picked another activity, given him some quiet time and space after busy/overwhelming activities and talked through a plan of a day trip before hand and having breaks when out with crunchy foods and making sure he was properly hydrated.
The fact that she usually only behaves this way with you as her ultra safe person means that she does know that this behaviour is undesirable and can to some extent control it (although in our case the time at home after being overwhelmed was always much worse because of having to keep everything in)
I have the same expectation really of behaviour from my ND child as his siblings, allowances are made but I’ve explained to mine that the world is not going to excuse their behaviour just because their brain is wired a little differently and that when it comes to lashing out etc it is totally unacceptable.
I would do a visual time table of the day ahead of time, factor in breaks, give prompts of “we are doing this now and next we will be doing this.”
Give her her own money to spend for the day, so she can visually see when it is running out and once you see her starting to flag don’t be tempted to stay longer.
Crunchy snacks like pretzels, carrot sticks, ice cold water in water bottles and try to limit sugar intake may make things a little easier, if you can get a pass that lets you ahead on queues I would also get one.

Here we go with the "must be ADHD, neuro-whatsit or autistic" crew.

Absolute standard 😂 maybe she’s just a shitty little madam?

Crikey if I knew my child would behave like that, I'm not sure I'd even consider taking her. I think at 7, you need to make sure that your expectations of her conduct are crystal clear. Anything like spitting or hitting should result in going home ASAP. I'd forgive a bit of rudeness as all kids can get overwhelmed on a big day out.

What is with this competitor to have every child diagnosed with adhd honestly if a child shows the tiniest bit of anger or excitement ooo they def nd get the diagnosed quickly it becoming the norm and there are a small minority of kids who have sensible parents that do not get their kids diagnosed because they shouted once when they where three these oor kids are missing out as all the attention goes the majority of diagnosed kids kids learn what they live so if mum n dad tells them o you have adhd etc then they will act in this way to please the parents. These kids will need to grow up and go out into adulthood at some point a'd find out they no longer have these conditions

Maybe don’t do the theme park if you know it’s going to be drama and do a quiet activity. You can’t let her hit a child you are supervising.

Set your boundaries before you go. She doesn't sound ND to me, I'm ND as are my children. She sounds like she's an only child who is used to getting her own way. Which by treading on eggshells around her is exactly what you're doing.

What consequences does she get for her behaviour? Do you take her home immediately? Or do you try to pacify the situation?

She’s doing it for attention. Even the joking funny silly behaviour is for attention. She’s the class clown, but that only lasts while she’s getting what she wants.

You need to be firm with her, punishments for bad behaviour. Not even necessarily rewards for ‘normal’ behaviour; that’s the bare minimum expectation.