Please help - how would you punish your 18-year-old who took your car without permission

[DaDaniela]

I spent the day at the beach, but my 18-year-old son took my car without permission to retrieve his shoes from an Amazon delivery. This action upset me and led me to confiscate his phone, bank card, and his cash for two weeks. I have not yet spoken to him, as I want to approach the situation calmly when I am ready to discuss it.

What would do and how would you approach it?

My gut reaction is that I would not mind if my adult child borrowed my car if it did not impact me.
if it is a recurrent problem that leads to you being stuck without a car, or if he is disrespectful in other ways then absolutely have a consequence.
But a loved one borrowing my car for a short trip when I was out all day… what is the problem?

im trying to figure out the circumstances under which my child, presumably with a valid license, would need permission to use a family car that was available and would be returned without disrupting anyone else’s day.

aka, why does this kid need to be punished?

He had his own car little Fiesta and he was driving late in the evening ( I imagine quite fast on the country road ) hit a deer and bashed his car so my concern is that

1. He is not insured on my car

2 I do not want him to repeat the same thing again with my car but this time could be worse.

1. Also he asked his sister to cover up for him.

I don't think you should be confiscating his phone and bank card... for one thing his bank card is HIS property (assuming it's a proper card and not a kids type one)..I think he could call theft on that. He's not a child.
What's wrong with an absolute bollocking and making sure he doesn't get your keys again... keep them in your handbag!

Context

When he was 12 he took my Z3 for a ride at 2 am, luckily nothing happened, A few years later he did it again, and sold that car hoping that he would stop. For about 2 years I used to sleep with the car keys under my pillow and even if that was not secure enough, he would wait for me to go to sleep and would drive my car at night. When he was 17 he passed his driving test and I decided to teach him to drive but on the condition that he would not ever take my car.
I am a single mother who works incredibly hard to stay in the same house and to keep things the same. If he bashes my car I do not have anything in the savings account to buy myself a new car.

This post has helped me to reflect on why I do not want my child to drive my car. Thank you.

Am I right in thinking, then...
He drove uninsured.
He has a history of dangerous driving, including without a licence.
He has been told explicitly that he is not permitted to drive your car but has been subverting your security efforts around this.
He's trying to drag other family members in to his lies.

I think there's a deeper issue than just the car, as it sounds like there's issues with authority, impulse control and family relations. Do you have any help with these?

Would you consider reporting behaviour like that to the police, as he has broken the law, really?

He has ADHD and ASD . Thank you so much. I have explained - because of years of him taking my car I have developed a fear of him taking it and also the fact that he bashed his car makes me feel even more fearful that he might bash my car. Also, explain that we had a deal whereby I would teach him to drive but he would never touch my car. And lastly, if I had lots of spare cash I would not mind it as I would be able to afford another car but I don’t and I want him to understand that what he did was very disrespectful. He apologized and said that he did not see it like that. I also got him to promise that he would not smoke in front of his sister and also not getting her to do his dirty work if he has something to say he needs to say it to me not to her .

I would not have problem reporting him perhaps he needs to learn from it . We are in France ( on holiday) at the moment but if he does it again in Uk I will do so .

This makes more sense now.

my teen has her own cheap car so I would be very upset if she took my expensive car without asking unless it was absolutely essential.

I’m not sure on how to handle consequences. It’s a tricky one, given his age. It makes sense though that there need to be some.