How do I handle this behaviour?

[kolakube]

My 3 year old DD has taken to crying hysterically every time she's dropped off at the same nursery she's been attending since she was 6 months old. It's been going on for about 2 months now and neither I nor the nursery can work out why. She has had no big changes at home or at the nursery. The staff, hours, pick up routines etc. are all exactly as they were. I initially thought she was just testing the water to see what would happen - would she get to go home with Mummy, and if we stuck with it she'd settle back down, but it shows no sign of getting any better. This week she did the same when dropped off with Grandma who she's stayed with gazillions of times!

I've dropped her off each time and told her she has to go to nursery as Mummy is going to work today but it doesn't stop the screaming. I leave feeling awful every time. Once she settles down she usually has a nice time. What can I do? Why has she started doing this?

hmmm t'would worry me I have to say.
what does she say abou it?

If you're sure there's nothing wrong at nursery then I'd guess it's probably just a phase. She's getting older and more aware, and they go through a separation anxiety. When she was younger, she probably thought less of it, but now she understands she's a separate person from you and it's very much - mummy is gone, will mummy be back...and wanting to control her environment, like they all do.

All you can do is continue to be firm but loving, consistant and just ride it out.

See her into nursey, kiss and cuddle, tell her when you'll be back, wave and go. The more low key you play it, the better. She'll get past it.

I had that with my son (nearly 3). He had been in the nursery since he was 3 months old. Suddenly he started yelling every morning. He would even cry if we drove past the nursery on a saturday!

I decided to change to a different nursery, but I kept him at his old nursery one day a week in a transition period. He was very happy at the new nursery, settled almost instantly. Now, the fact that he was crying only one day a week, when going to the "old" nursery, spoke volumes....

She just says " I don't want to go to nursery" every time. I've entertained the possibility that someone may be being unkind to her but have nothing to base this on. I've asked her why she doesn't want to go to nursery and she just says "I don't like it".

Well, there must be a reason. My son used to love it. When digging deeper, turns out that there was another member of staff who had moved from another department in the nursery, she was disillusioned about her job, wanting to leave, and were really not giving the kids her best. It spilled on the other staff, and they got demotivated.

How do the staff react to her behaviour at hand over in the mornings? And what do they tell them about your dds day when you pick her up? Does she look happy when you come to collect? Or is she playing on her own, with a sulky face?

I think you should change your childcare - either another nursery, or a childminder. Perhaps she has clashed with one of the staff or another child. You seem to have tried all you can to get to the bottom of it, so I think the only option is to try something different. Quintessentialshadows seems to have found a way of identifying that the nursery was the issue (and it doesn't really matter whether you ever learn why exactly, just that you change her out of it...)

Good luck. It's so important that you can leave them and feel confident that they are happy, isn't it?

The nursery was bought out about 18 months ago by a bigger group and IMO is not as warm, nurturing and caring as it once was. The staff I rated have slowly trickled away and left the nursery. She is starting a new nursery/pre-school in September and has this week started settling-in sessions there, on different days to her usual nursery days. If I move her to another nursery in the interim I just wonder if it'll be too many changes for her.

The staff take her from me while she's crying, kicking etc. and try to engage her into something else while I leave. She's very bubbly and thrilled to see me when I pick her up, eats well and they'll tell me she had a good day with maybe a little cry here or there or whatever.

September is 6 months away.....

True, but the other nursery I'd like her to go to has a waiting list of several months.

Could you get a nanny or nanny share? A childminder?

I'm willing to try if it makes her happier but I'm not convinced it will. She screamed with Grandma and when she was left at the new pre-school too! She's usually so happy with her grandparents and the love and care she gets there is as close to her own parents as she can get.

My DD2 did this at a nursery she started when just three years old. After a few weeks I withdrew her because I couldn't bear to see her so unhappy although she wouldn't say what was wrong. About a year ago (she is now 8) we were walking past her old nursery and she said - I used to go there and I didn't like it. I asked her if she remembered why and she said 'Because Miss X wasn't nice to me.' Now I had even forgotten this woman's name but four years later, DD2 could remember her unhappiness.
This may not be the case with your DD at all of course, but I thought you should know that even if they can't articulate their experiences too well, that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a problem.

I've been tying myself in knots wondering the same thing. The nursery want 2 months notice before you leave so that takes her even closer to September if I withdraw her and then just as she settles into a new nursery, I'll disrupt her again. I don't know what to do.