Chilminder needs urgent tips to help me cope with 1 year old with separation anxiety!

[tetti]

I have just started to look after a little boy who does nothing but cry,from the minute he gets here,to the time he laves 10 hours later!!!!
I have tried everything in the book,soothe him,cuddle him,even showing him photos and vidoes of his mum and dad!(yeah,strange I know,but desperate situations require desperate measures!)

Apparently he does cry alot at home as well.
His parents admitted to pandering to his every whim,as soon as he cries they pick him up,and he has no routine whatsoever.

He sleeps about 10 mins at a time,never any longer than that,so in a whole day,he gets about half an hour of sleep,not enough by far!
Again,have tried everything to get him to sleep,but he won't.

If I take him out he won't sleep either,but he'll be quiet.As soon as we get to my house though,he kicks off again and starts crying.
I just can't be walking 10 hrs a day,so what can I do?

It affects the other kids I care for as they have to hear this child's earpiercing screams all day,my ears are actually hurting,so one can just imagine what it does to them.

There must be something that I can do,I do not want to give the parents notice just because their little boy won't settle.
There must be a way to stop him crying,it can't be good for him either,poor little one.

Please,any tips would be helpful,I'm really at my wits end here!!!!!

Goodness, that sounds difficult!

Maybe the crying is linked to not having a routine and so being unsettled and not knowing what is coming next? I think some babies find predictability, comforting.

It does sound as though you are in for the longhaul though to change things, especially if he is with you full time and is in the throes of separation anxiety.

Sorry, maybe not much help, but I'd try a week of quite strict structure, and see if it works. At that age I kind of followed the babywhisperer schedule.

Could you encourage the parents to do all the usual SA stuff at home, you know, playing peekabo, leaving the room for a minute and coming back.
You sound very caring and I think he's lucky to have someone who's trying to help him - he does sound miserable, poor mite!

I have complete sympathy. I've looked after a couple of bawlers before and the only thing that seems to stop the behaviour is that they get used to you and being away from the parents eventually (and they grow up a bit). A few months could make all the difference.

I don't think at 1 it'll be anything to do with the fact the parents attend to his every whim, though. Just separation anxiety.

As it's affecting the other kids you look after, is it possible you could end your contract with this child and inform the parents he isn't ready for care yet? Some kids are fine with being in another environment and some really aren't.

I used to have a mindee like that he was 2 at the time.

we went through quite a long settling in period and eventually he was ok about coming, it might not take so long if he is with you a lot (hopefully)

First have his parents agreed to stop pandering to him because this really won't help? Are they backing you up 100%? Do they talk about you at home, can he take pictures of you and your house home with him, stick them up where he can see them and his parents talk about you etc

Can they decrease his hours maybe half them for 2 weeks then gradually up them, to keep you sane, to give the other children a break and so that he isn't spending 10 hours a day in tears and no naps?

Do you know any of the things he usually enjoys? Encourage the others to play a game/ toy you know he likes, totally ignore the crying but casually ask him if he would like to join in (if he says no or screams/ cries even more just leave him to it) eventually he will come and play.

It is really really hard to deal with this behaviour, definitly the hardest time i've had since I started childminding and the ammount of times I said I was going to give notice but didnt! I think what kept me going was knowing one day he would be ok and would be happy to come to mine and the parents were so supportive and grateful.

I really sympathise with you because it really is so hard.

I'm not a childminder but thought I'd add my suggestion, hope that's ok.

Sounds to me that what that boy needs is comfort and security. He needs to learn to trust you and to do that, you may need to 'respond to his every whim'. Can you explain to the other kids that you'll have to hold him a lot for a few days whilst he settles down. Perhaps you could borrow / make a sling which would give you hands free time.

I agree a little routine might help but it doesn't need to be anything rigid. Eating and going on school runs at the same time might be enough.

I'm a bit about the he's lucky comment. I wouldn't want to leave my DD with someone not willing to put in the extra effort for a few days to help settle them.

This boy is missing his parents, he's upset and scared. He is not throwing a tantrum and he's not being naughty. If you respond to his needs he'll reward you with trust sooner than if you ignore him. I don't think you should ignore his crys.

Erm, thats an unfair comment ginger IMO...

From the OP it sounds as if she has tried everything. She is not giving up on him, by asking for advise or help as to how she can help him, and the situation! Not sure why you would feel the need to say what you did. Seems really un necessary to me.

To the OP, it does sound like he will just take time to settle. I ca understand how you feel, as my DD went through a phase at that age, of just crying and shouting and pushing me away, I couldn't do anything to comfort her, and she's my own daughter!

She has 'grown' out of it now. What really really helped, was putting her dow for a sleep twice a day. once in the morning, just after i the night garden. Then after lunch. She was not happy at first and has ow dropped the first sleep. unless I can see her drooping! It made all the difference.

I thought we had a good routine, but it wasn't until I really got it quite strict that things improved al round. Also, once I got her night sleeping uder control too, i,e, sleepig through, which she had never done, the day time just got better, including her daytime naps.

SO my suggestion is, that you discuss a good routine with the parents, and all stick to it maybe? That way, where ever he is, once he's happier being with you, he will always know what he's doing. HTH

Is this child neurotypical or might he have some as yet undiagnosed problems of some kind? I cannot imagine a child of 1 still unable to take notice of his new surroundings, settle down to them and adapt to your way of doing things. He sounds as though he may have a health problem to me. Is he sleeping in 10mn stretches at night as well? If so, it may be worth pointing the parents to their HV to get a referral to a sleep clinic as if he is only sleeping 10mn at a time, he is not getting any meaningful sleep at all and must feel awful all the time. You all need for this to be sorted out.

Ginger, where does the OP say she's ignoring his cries? I'm quite confused at your posts. they are coming across as quite attacking. ANg I can't work out why! The OP has stated she is doing everyhing possible! SHe is holding him. she is trying to settle him. Not once has she said she's ignoring him.

I was refering to love my girls comment

I'm not quite sure why you are at my comment that he is "lucky" to have OP as a chilmdinder?

I was just making the point that she is obviously a caring person who is trying to find a way forward and help him.

I think there are childcare professionals who would just not bother. I wouldn't want to leave my child with them either, but it doesn't mean they don't exist.

'totally ignore the crying but casually ask him if he would like to join in (if he says no or screams/ cries even more just leave him to it) eventually he will come and play.

It is really really hard to deal with this behaviour,'
is the comment I was refering to as I don't think it's behavioural.

and fridge 'he's lucky to have someone who's trying to help him' did make me go because that is the job of a CM and if I was one I'd be a bit that anyone would think differently.

I haven't questioned or criticised anything the OP said. Think she's doing a sterling job

Sorry was rushing reply didn't mean she should ignore him! I meant if she encourages him to play and it makes him worse she shouldn't push him because that will upset him even more. He does need cuddles and reassurance but you cannot physically hold him because that is unfair on the other children so reassure/ cuddle for a few mins then play with the others then cuddle keep doing that and eventually he will join in. Having cared for a children who suffered sep anx, cried constantly etc I know that this can be dealt with, it takes a hell of a lot of patience and determination that one day they will be happy to come to your house and will even ask to come on the days they don't come!

GN - as you pointed out you are not a childminder, it is the hardest job in the world some days, you cannot please everyone all of the time, how would you feel if you were the parent of my other mindees and you came to pick up your dc and I said I'm sorry xx hasn't had much of my attention today but i've had a new child start and I've had to give him all of my attention all day?

Even if holding him constantly does help him how is he then going to react when you need to put him down while you go to the toilet/ make lunch/ change another childs nappy etc Children that won't stop crying for 10 hours per day and don't sleep can really take it out of you sometimes you have to switch off and realise it's only noise and theres only so much you can do.

I am not saying leave him crying on his own or never say a word to him incase you make the crying worse, I'm saying she only has one pair of hands and he is going to have to come to terms with the situation (with as much help as she can possibly give)

LMG, I'd be delighted that I had such a caring CM who was doing all she could to settle children into her care. I wasn't suggesting that she ignored the other children and I did suggest she explained the situation to them, I mentioned using a sling. I think it'd be much harder on other children to see a clearly upset child not being attended to than an upset child being held.

Of course there are times when he'll need to be put down and yes I realise I'm not a CM but I am a mother of a child that was very hard work as a baby and responding to her crying has always been the quickest, less stressful way of coping with it. She could put him on her back and not have anything to stop her getting involved with the other children.

OP, borrow an Ergo sling. Stick him on your back and see if that helps.

Apologies Ginger, I thought you were getting at the OP, who it seems to me, is doing her best in a really difficult situation. sorry for jumping at you

Gingerninja,putting the child in a sling would be totally counter productive adn sending out the wrong message,I am trying to settle him in to a routine here,something which will greatly help him,his parents and me in the long run.

Thank you everyone else for your great advice and support,I really appreciate it:-)
I had a chat with the mother today and we talked about the baby whisperer book,which she went out to purchase.She seems very willing and open to try anything in order to make their little boy settle.

Today I ignored his screams,and he actually calmed down as a result.
I did speak to him very softly,gave him lots of cuddles,but did not pick him up whenever he started to cry.
He started to relax,and his body language was entirely different to yesterday.He did not struggle when I held him,did not keep looking at the dood waiting for his mum to come,and he actually had a really good giggle at one point(and I thought,phew!)

We still have some way to go,but for me I felt like we made some real progress today.Fingers crossed it will continue this way.
It must feel strange for him to be away from his mum,in a totally new environment.
Some children handle it better,children whose families may have a busy social life.But if all he's ever known is just it being him and his mum during the day time,then the settling in may just be that bit harder.
He also isn's quite as developed mentally or physically as other children his age(not going into that here,but for medical reasons he's lagging behind a bit),that may also affect the situation.

Thank you again all for your support,to talk to others who has been in the same boat really helps no end:-)

tetti i am cm and i have a mindee who has taken 5 months to actually get down to only screaming when having tantrums hes 14 mth now he used to, scream 3 out of 6 hrs,all my other mindees and my dc used to moan he gave them a headache.as long as i take him with me where ever i go he is ok.He still has no routine though i only have him 6hrs and he sleeps when tired and eats only stolen food!!!!.he is used to getting own way as his scream is piersing .if he sees food on my counter he wants he will scream blue murder,i just had to persevere i must say somedays i would try everything and he still screamed.his mum said hes like this at home still cant figure out if its because mum picks up all the time or ignores him,but enjoys lots of cuddles his older brother is very self sufficient.hope its getting better

Tetti, glad things are improving for you and sorry my suggestions weren't helpful, they were meant with the best of intentions, it's often the case that when one person jumps on you on a thread, everyone else follows suit.

I've obviously committed a mumsnet faux pas commenting on the CM threads only being a mother. I'll sit on the naughty step for 34 minutes and won't make the same mistake again.

bigdonna,how did the other kids you care for cope with his screaming?Today I had a bit of a nightmare,parents brought him over,and within an hour it was obvious he wasn't feeling too well.His temperature went up,and he went through 5 nappies in 3 hours(diahorrea,yep!),and he was screaming of the top of his lungs without a break,didn't want to eat,didn't want to drink.
His dad had to come and get him as he obviously was not doing to well.Then I find out that her was poorly all weekend.Thank's for letting me know!!!
Days like these I just seriously think about changing careers.I understand that everyone has to go to work,we all need to put food on the table,but too many times in this job,I have found that parents may give the kids kalpol before dropping them off in order to reduce their temperature,pretend all's well,then rush off to work,and leave the childminder to deal with it(as if we wouldn't find out the child's poorly?)