Mummy if you die.....conversation

[Northumberlandlass]

My DS (4.8) told me the other night that if I die (he suspects in a car crash, but haven't a clue why) that I shouldn't worry because he has decided who is next Mummy will be !!!!! He won't tell me who it is - and I am not allowed to ask him anymore questions about it. If I start to ask him about it, he tells me to 'back off' and that he will not talk about it.

My DH was concerned, but we quizzed DS as to whether Daddy would have to live with his new Mummy and DS look shocked ! It turns out that DS would still live with DH, but that someone else would be his Mummy.

I think that the idea has been planted by his best pal, who tragically lost his Mum to Cancer when he was only 18mo. I have talked to DS about this and I'm now concerned that I'v gone too far with my discussions.

Anyone else got anymore experiences of talking about death with DC when they are so young ?

Keep it light. Tell him that yes, people die - but usually they are very, very old before that happens, and their bodies wear out. Sometimes they are younger, but that is only when they are very ill, and most people can be made better when they are ill. Repeat as often as you have to, and in a light-hearted way, that you are not intending to go anywhere for a very long time, and that you will always be his mummy.

If he talks about car crashes, say that yes, some people do die in car crashes but that you, daddy and anyone else who drives him anywhere are very safe, careful drivers and that you always do your very best not to have an accident. Put a positive spin on anything like that which he asks, and don't get involved in protracted conversations about who he thinks his new mummy will be, where she will live and so on.

Don't let him tell you that he will not talk about it. He doesn't have to talk; all you need is for him to listen. It probably won't stop the talk about death, but if you are consistent with what you say then eventually it will sink in.

Most children seem to go through a phase of being interested to the point of obsession with death at around this age - so it may not be anything you've said about his friend's mother.

Thank WWB - I do try to keep it light. He does come with us to the Cemetary he calls it 'visiting the dead people' !

He didn't appear upset when we talked about it - he was quite matter of fact.

Dd is always very matter-of-fact too. She'd known a little about death since before she was three but she was about the same age as your son when she started asking what would happen to her if I died. It became a bit of an obsession with her and she would go on and on and on about it.

For me it was just a case of deciding what to say, and then repeating ad-nauseam. I also think that you need to brush over what he's saying about a new mummy - I don't mean dismiss what he's saying, but don't engage in discussion with him about it. Just repeat that you will always be his mummy and you aren't planning on going anywhere for a long, long time ... if he's anything like dd you will get fed up of sounding like a stuck record but eventually it will pass.

I have found that children around the age of 5 are fascinated by the subject. My first DH died when my DS was a baby, we had very long talks on the subject from the age of about two. When he got to about five I found that friend's children would ask me questions (particularly girls), I was able to deal with it by then so I didn't mind but the parents used to get very embarrassed and try and change the subject (usually unsuccessfully!). It is generally a taboo subject. I should keep the conversation very light and matter of fact, WigWamBam has the right attitude. I would stress that you are likely to be around a long time and that you are careful drivers etc but I would never promise that you won't die-my DH was 29yrs old, fit and healthy and died in a plane crash.

AbbeyA - I'm very sorry. We have experienced a lot of untimely deaths in our family and we try to be very open about these things. I'm very keen that DS can talk to me about anything and that I will be as truthful as I can.