Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Long, involves my 3 year old and the police.

33 replies

ChocFudgeCake · 16/04/2008 07:57

I'll try to be concise, but it is still v long, sorry.
Yesterday DS, 3 and 10 months, got lost in the first floor of a shop. I thought he was hiding, so I was just calling him, since he wasn't coming out, I ran downstairs to let security know, holding my 2 year old DS. The security man was very cool, and started to look on his screens, to no avail. I told him to keep an eye for any 5 year old trying to get out (he is quite tall), he was right by the door.

SO I went upstairs again, everywhere calling his name. I told the cashiers to get me help, they were quite slow, finishing first with their costumers. I started to panic seriously at that point because I didn't think anymore that he was hiding. Went downstairs again, the cool guy still there, no news. I told him I needed people to help me. Some employees came, and my younger son pointed to the door, so I went outside and didn't see anything, just big parking lot. But someone came and told me that the police had a child somewhere in the parking lot.

So I ran to them and he was crying sitting on the floor. I faced him and spoke to him and he continued crying, as if he didn't recognize me. Then he started crying louder and the police doubted that I was the mother. I ask the employee shop for a taxi, but DS was in biiiig shock and wouldn't even stand up, he was trying to escape just crawling, then he run and the policeman had to go and get him. At that point I was asked for proof that he was my son and I didn't have any ID of his with me apart from his library card. So they checked that, and asked me to stay away because the child was getting more nervous everytime I spoke to him or tried to touch him.
Of course at that point I was crying too. THe police asked for an ambulance because the thought he might have some medical condition (I was starting to think that myself), DS was fully out of control, he seemed no to be aware of anything, just trying to escape.
Curious people started to gather around and I told the policemen that DS was not going to get any better with so many strangers around, so we went to the staff room of the shop and I was asked to stay outside. My young DS was scared for his brother and started sobbing too. So a few policemen were questionning him and some people from the shop too. At some point I heard "mummy!" so I went in and he was hysterical again, I was told to go out.
The manager of the shop came and was very kind to me, put someone to look after me.
An employee came to get some information from me and I snapped and told her that unless everyone went out and let me in we would be like that for the following two hours.
That did the trick, two policemen stayed and I sat in front of him in silence. I showed them his pictures in my mobile phone and they were satisfied. After a while he started to look as if he was aware of things. But didn't want to live the room! I had to persuade him, in case he exploded again.
The policemen drove us home.
He and DS2 had a nice bath and a pizza.
I am a wreck. Afraid to go out again and bewildered.
Any comments please? Any experiences?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MummyDoIt · 16/04/2008 08:04

No experience but couldn't let your post go unanswered. What a nightmare situation. You poor thing. It sounds like he had a hysterical reaction. If I were you, I'd drop in to see your GP to get a professional opinion and just to make sure he's okay. FWIW, I'm sure it won't have any lasting effect on him. Now you're a different matter - you won't forget it in a hurry!

WingsofanAngel · 16/04/2008 08:04

Has he spoken about what happened since ?

You poor thing.

WingsofanAngel · 16/04/2008 08:06

I would agree take him to the GP and explain what happened. Maybe it was just the pure shock.

thewill · 16/04/2008 08:06

Poor you, what a horrible experience for you and ds. my ds has a tendency just to run off without a thought, and im always worried about loosing him. At least your all safe and home now, but what terrible time for you.

NotQuiteCockney · 16/04/2008 08:06

It sounds like, maybe, he was angry with you because he got lost? Not fair or reasonable of him, but when were 3-year-olds ever fair or reasonable.

taipo · 16/04/2008 08:23

Poor you, sounds really traumatic for both of you. I bet it was the shock that caused him to react like this and agree with NQC that he was probably angry with you. Perhaps you could talk to him gently today and explain that you were scared too and give him the opportunity to say how he feels without getting cross with him.

I had an experience with ds when he was 2 and had to be kept in hospital overnight after he had a febrile convulsion. When he woke up in the middle of the night he was really confused at being in a strange place and got absolutely hysterical. There was nothing I could do to calm him down and in the end I had to hand him over to the nurses to soothe him which made me feel very inadequate. I think he was really angry with me that he wasn't at home in familiar surroundings.

I suppose it's quite common to take out our frustrations on our nearest and dearest.

batters · 16/04/2008 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 16/04/2008 08:32

Blimey, that sounds like an horrendous experience. Poor you.

Agree with everyone else, sounds like your ds1 was in shock and reacting with anger/hysteria. 3yos are not reasonable! (Even grown ups sometimes lash out at someone else when they are in trouble.)

Hope you have a much better day today. Do have a calm chat with ds about what happened and reinforce that if he ever gets lost he should go to someone serving people in a shop - behind the counter - or a mummy with children. Probably best not to suggest the police after yesterday...

Hogiabach · 16/04/2008 08:33

Sounds like DS was hiding to begin with and then you 'lost' each other. He probably became acutely aware that you had lost each other and was really scared! Also might have been scared that he would upset you or make you cross, blaming himself for getting lost.

My son had a similar bizzare reaction when out with his GP', he came home and was inconsolable - had no ida what had caused him to be like this. Crouching in the corner screaming and scared! Very scary -

Hope You all feel better today.

Original poster

ChocFudgeCake · 17/04/2008 08:17

Thanks for all encouragement
DS is behaving normal. Yesterday we had a little outing to the corner shop and he held my hand straightaway.
I think I will follow your advice and go to our GP.
I agree that he must have been furious with me for losing him. We had our tiny talk and he mentionned something about children going out of the shop. Maybe he followed them?? He was adamant that he is not getting lost again... at least. Then he just said that he had a little gift for me and I could have it only if I was good and shared it, then he presented me with one of his book. So, end of the conversation.
I was thinking on putting him and his brother on one of this leads for kids... Is that too extreme? Otherwise They'll have to get on the double pushchair!
Thanks

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 17/04/2008 08:35

Only saw this today - you poor things, both you and he must have been so scared.

No don't put him on one of those straps. I do think they have their place but this time I think he will feel punished. I doubt he will run off again.
Could you get a friend to have his brother for an hour and you and he have a practise excursion to a big shop? lots and lots of reassurance, telling him how proud you are that he is staying by your side, and telling him isnt he a big boy now? with perhaps a little cheery up reward at the end.

Oblomov · 17/04/2008 09:00

Oh yes, poor you and poor ds. Both ds's infact. Maybe your younger one has been slightly traumatised aswell.
I don't have any advice I am afraid, just lots of love and attention and cuddles and closeness.
What a terrible shock.

SquonkTheBeerGuru · 17/04/2008 09:05

I agree with what everyone else has said. It sounds like he was angry with you for losing him (although absolutely NOT your fault) and he possibly thought you would be angry with him for getting lost, which is maybe why he didn't want to know you when he was found.

Tbh, I know that the police had to be sure that you are his mummy, but they could have handled things better - it sounds like they made things worse.

Have you told him what he should do if he ever gets lost again? It sounds like a good time to have that talk.

ditavonteesed · 17/04/2008 10:22

Glad you and your ds's are feeling better today, I have no words of wisdom only lots of sympathy, It must have been an awful experience for all of you.

winebeforepearls · 17/04/2008 10:29

What a horrible experience for you all . Have a quiet day and talk it through with both your dss if they want.

chunkychips · 17/04/2008 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

edam · 17/04/2008 10:45

Do have a word with him about going up to the counter in a shop and asking the lady behind the counter to help him if he ever gets lost again. And put him in a red coat so you have a better chance of spotting him in a crowd. Worked for my mother and works for me, so far!

Flier · 17/04/2008 10:50

Poor you, I think it was his way of dealing with the shock. I think, too, that he won't do it again. He'll remember it for a long time.

Blu · 17/04/2008 10:52

Huge sympathies, what a frightening experience.

Just to re-assure you that the police's response in asking for proof was not personal to you or particular to the situation with your ds's reaction - DP found a lost child at Chinese New Year, and called the police. The police told him that if the parents turned up DP was not to give the child over until the police arrived, so that they could verify that it was the parents. DP stayed with the little boy - 4 - who was crying, and crossing his fingers and sobbing 'Daddy find me' (), and while he was waiting for the police to come a distraught Dad did turn up, the child was clearly ecstatic and recognised him, but when DP explained that the police had been called the man did agree to wait for them.

One good thing though - the police spoke to the little boy on DPs mobile and asked him if he knew his Daddy's phone number, and amazingly he knew the mobile number.

I hope you have a calmer day today and your DS recovers his confidence quickly.

flamingtoaster · 17/04/2008 10:58

How frightening for you and your DS1. My DS hid in the clothes racks in Debenhams when he was 3 - I will never forget the panic I felt. He did emerge eventually thinking it was fun so at least we didn't have the trauma your poor DS1 had. I think telling him exactly what to do if ever he gets lost will help him regain his confidence - maybe even act it out with you being the lady behind the desk so he can practice what to say. I'm sure he'll stay very close on future trips. Glad today is much calmer!

duchesse · 17/04/2008 11:22

Was he cross with you "abandoning" him? Would that explain the not acknowledging you thing? (I remember my son being convinced that I had left him alone at home one when he woke up and I was out in the garden- he still reminds me now about the time I "went out and left him home alone" As if!!) Ar the very least he was upset at losing you, and had probably had a huge shock at not being able to find you. He was prob in mild shock.

remembers the time oldest child aged 3 tried to pinch a soft toy tiger from M&S and run past the security guard

Original poster

ChocFudgeCake · 19/04/2008 22:02

Thanks again. To be honest I was expecting some scolding for not being careful , but you are all very supporting!
He was wearing his red coat, which I bought for easy-localization purposes... And I had told him that if he ever lost sight of me, he should shout my name... But obviously he forgot the plan.
Also, English is his 3rd language, I guess that in case of shock it is the most likely to forget. But that idea of pretending I'm the lady at the counter is great, we will have a go at that!
We are seeing the GP next week, just to be reassured.
And I'll get these yellow tags they sell in Boots, one writes on the inside name of child and mobile number of the parent.
Once I bought a Tommy gadget. It has two devices, one hangs from the neck of the parent and the other is like a big pin that goes on the child's t-shirt, then when the child walks off (more than 5m), you hear "beep beep beep". I thought it was brilliant, but after a while the thing kept on beeping no matter the distance
If anyone knows of some better product, please let me know.

OP posts:

SpringSunshine · 19/04/2008 22:39

ChocFudgeCake I do not want to frighten you but are you sure he actually got outside on his own? If anyone else was involved that could have made him so scared that he could not cope with seeing you. Could you try and probe carefully and then you can start some simple rules about what to do in similar situations.

I understand the panic - my 2 are only 17 mths apart and always going off in different directions when younger but I taught them very early a 'back up plan' if they ever got lost - eg go to a security guard (pointing out the uniform), another adult with children, lady serving in a shop etc and tell them they are lost and their name.

Thankfully that has never happened but I always think 'there but for the grace of God' when I hear about it.

Hope you are all ok soon

soapbox · 19/04/2008 22:52

Many sympathies - it sounds like a really scary situation for all concerned.

My DS got lost in M&S foodhall once - he was actually only an aisle away from us, but got himself into such a state. When we found him, he completely lost it with me - an absolute ball of fury - he was screaming at the top of his voice - 'YOU LOST ME; YOU LOST ME' over and over again, snot running down his purple furious face

We put in place a few rules after that!

In the first instance - first 30 seconds or so - he stays where he last saw me - I'm the adult so I'll look for him, not the other way around.

If he starts to feel it has been too long - then he finds someone in uniform - a shop worker and tells him/her his name and my name.

If it happens in the middle of a shopping centre and not in a shop - he must go into the nearest shop and find a shop worker.

He absolutely must never leave the shop or move onto a different floor.

I think it is worth sitting down and discussing these rules - until we did that, several times over - DS was pretty nervous going out shopping!

Califrau · 19/04/2008 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2