DC 3 hates nursery and teacher

[OnNaturesCourse]

DC has only recently started nursery but is progressively getting worse with each drop off, and at pick up time screams hysterically for a good 15 mins in my arms.

They are so unhappy, it's breaking my heart. It's starting to bleed into normal day to day as well, for example they get stressed seeing their uniform or start shouting to go home if we happen to drive by the nursery.

DC has gone from very carefree happy child to pretty upset and stressed, it's very hard to witness.

They have said they hate their keyworker, can't get any reason out of them, and I've witnessed them actively avoid her in the nursery. Other children seem fine around her but my child definitely hasn't clicked with her.

We've tried long days, short days, more days etc but nothing is settling them. Even a comforter from home hasn't helped. Lunch from home hasn't helped. Me promising to sit in the car outside for hour hasn't helped. Bribery hasn't helped. Tough love etc etc.

Its destroying me every day and I'm at a loss for what to do. Im pregnant aswell so my hormones barely let me get back to the car before I burst into tears as I feel awful for leaving them in such a state. (I can hear them screaming for me through the closed door, teachers are physically lifting them off me into the room as they cling to me.)

Looking for any tips, hints or advice on what to do and how to help them.

DC is 3 and half. Winter baby so won't start school until 2026.

Bumping after they refused so much this morning that the nursery said best to keep them home.

That sounds so hard, for all of you!

I've not had experience of that level of distress around nursery, but one of my DC's friends felt similarly about their nursery. In the end, they changed nursery and things really improved. Maybe your child would be happier with a different nursery, or a childminder?

I would also wonder about trying a different setting – even if there's nothing specifically 'wrong' with this one, there's such an established negative pattern now, a fresh start might be easier for everyone.

Does DC have experience of being looked after by friends/family? What are they like with toddler classes, stay and play groups? I'm wondering if those could give you any hints about what might or might not suit them.

DC has always been happy to go away with others in the family, and also went to a mother and toddler group. Never any bother going anywhere.

But, I'm saying that, 90% of the time they are with family they have their other siblings with them. There has never been issues going anywhere with anyone regardless of sidings though.

Also had good established relationships in the toddler group, most of which will move to the nursery but due to ages and birthdays won't be until end of the year. DC is the first of the friend group to move onto nursery.

Take them out and find another setting. That level of distress is just not worth it.
Maybe a childminder (you can use the 30 hours/15 hours) might work better for them, but for whatever reason, if they are that unhappy then the nursery is not a good fit.

How are you getting on @OnNaturesCourse ?

Unfortunately local childminders have no spaces at present, and there are no alternative nurseries that suit us for travel/timing etc.

I have given a time line of 4 weeks and I will pull them if still not 100% settled.

This week has been better, seem to settle once dropped off and no more screaming at pick up times however still extremely upset at drop offs and anxious in the lead up to it as well. (won't eat breakfast, tired, grumpy, clingy, teary etc)

Oh, that's rough, poor wee thing (and poor you, it's so hard on multiple levels when they're struggling). Settling once dropped off and pick-up times being easier is promising. I think the drop off tears are usually the last to go.

Will nursery give them breakfast if they don't eat beforehand? Is there any way you can sweeten the deal on nursery mornings to help them get through the lead up? I would personally include a little bit of screen time in that if necessary. Or a slightly less healthy breakfast than I might usually allow on a weekday.

Hi, I work at a nursery and although they do have separation anxiety to begin with, the level you’re describing definitely needs support.
Have they been to any nurseries previously?
Also, what is the nursery doing to help with the transition and make it more positive?
I would definitely ask for a different key worker- to be honest, the room leader should have done that straight away, I always tell parents key workers can change if a child is bonding more with a different teacher as having an adult they feel safe around is the most vital element of their nursery experience.
It could be that the nursery itself isn’t right for her- maybe too busy, or the wrong approaches from staff, etc. It’s hard to know without being there. Do they do any parent events such as stay and plays? They can be useful to get a sense of what the nursery and staff are like. If not, you can ask to do more settling in sessions and try and observe the other children and staff interactions.

Still going with this.

DC is starting to settle a bit more, not all drops are as bad now and even managed a full day the other day.

However the keyworker is now really complaining about the fact DC still occasionally uses their nappy. They are potty trained for the most part and will ask to go etc but are very easily distracted. Plus they aren't 100% confident in pooping in the toliet yet so do try to get out of that.

Today at drop off keyworker asked if she could just treat DC like the non potty trained kids (ie let them use a nappy) or if I "particularly wanted her to keep on at DC" about going... Like it was a major hardship to occasionally ask DC if they needed. Also stated that DC tends to ask for the toliet in more inconvenient times like lunchtimes etc which got my back up a little.

I'm beginning to suspect DC really isn't getting the support they need.

Well, I'd say now we know why DC doesn't like their keyworker – one suspects that this attitude will be apparent in how they help DC with toileting, and possibly at other times. I'm sure life is easier if a child doesn't need help with the toilet right as lunch is being served – but they're three, they need to go when they need to go, and the adults just have to get on with it!

I think at this point I'd be arranging a meeting with the manager. It's not unreasonable to ask to switch keyworker on the basis that your child does not seem to have clicked with them. Not all pairings work.

At the same meeting, I would also ask about the toileting issues. I think you could approach it from a 'how does the setting support children who sometimes need reminding to go or who aren't quite there with poos?' 'How do they manage it if a child needs to go at a busy time like lunch?' You'd got the impression from keyworker that this was causing difficulties, they'd raised the possibility of putting DC back in nappies for nursery, what does the manager think? The manager's response should be pretty telling.