Aggressive, controlling 8 yr old

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My 8 yr old is extremely challenging. Fine in school, although no firm friendships. Very difficult at home. Answers back, makes so much noise, throws tantrums, struggles with emotional regulation, can't accept no and challenges us constantly.

We have just spent 3 hours trying to get them to bed. Lots of late nights over the last few days but tonight has been hideous. We went out for a family meal, got back and she's been off the wall. She had pizza, no desert and it's like she's been pumped full of sugar. After numerous attempts to settle her, she's pulled the dogs leg to make him yelp, thrown a cushion in my face really close so it hurt then did this again after I told her it hurt. She is currently threatening to break my arms and legs and put me in hospital! I've locked myself in my room and can hear her downstairs telling hubby that she is adopted and she is answering him back after every few words.

Hubby and I are broken and our relationship is suffering. What on earth can we do???

I've told her she has lost her iPad for 3 days. It started as one day and has escalated. No idea what else we can do. Meant to be meeting my friend and her daughter at the park tomorrow. Should I still take her? Ice cream?? What do I do?!

I'm off work next week. I've told her I don't want to feel like the way she has made me feel so I am looking into booking her into holiday clubs.

We go abroad in a fortnight. Dreading her behaviour. Help.

She does not respond well to demands. Tonight has been horrific with her throwing her weight around, being aggressive, controlling (ordering her sister to stop this that and the other). Her and her sister share a room. I've wondered about sending her to bed at 6 tomorrow to make a point but I know she will constantly come out and scream the house down.

Could she have PDA? Controlling behaviour is classic for PDA. Must be hard, sorry to hear how hard things are right now.

Hi, I am sorry you're going through this, it sounds very difficult.

Assuming that she has not been subject to any particular trauma the behaviour you're describing sounds autism-spectrum-ish. (PDA is one of the autism spectrum conditions) Children with ASCs can have very patchy cognitive profiles, they can be bright or even advanced for their years in some ways and yet a very long way behind in others. My guess is that your DD is a lot less able than she appears. She is able to cope and mask in school - for the time being - but not elsewhere.

I can see why you're worrying about the holiday. Often for these children the misbehaviour comes from disruption and unfamiliarity. Even nice disruption for a treat like a holiday has the same effect, either at the time or afterwards. They may even cope like a star one day, and you think "that's ok then" but then collapse into horrific behaviour the next day because they've run out of coping energy.

I would try to let her shout and scream (ideally not in public but hey ho) It's noisy and embarrassing but it relieves her overload and it's harmless. I used to give my DC endless sucky sweets on journeys - the sucking and sugar were soothing, also headphones with familiar story tapes so they could block out the world until we got to our destination and they could let go.

A bigger concern is how she is treating the dog. If she's making the dog howl does that mean she is deliberately hurting the dog? Or that she doesn't understand the howl is pain? Either way that is a sign that something really isn't right. You mkay need to think about how to protect the dog as well. She is lashing out at you and DH too. Something really isn't going well for her.

I have to say that punishment doesn't work brilliantly for these kids. It can be counter-productive epseically if she doesn't have (a) the right adaptations to help her cope and (b) expectations that fit her underlying abilities. For an effective approach that doesn't rely on punishment (or reward) and is good for kids who don't have a specific diagnosis try The Explosive Child

From what you have said I would also go to the GP and ask for a referral for some assessments.