20 month old DS has always been very shy and would cry when people looked at him even long before milestones said he "should" experience stranger anxiety. It took until he was 1 year old to be comfortable with extended family who he saw approx weekly.
He's improved dramatically since then. The shyness was raised by the HV at his 9-12 month review as although he was able to do the things he should, he was extremely shy and nervous around the HV and did not improve during the time we were in the room (she seemed to say that it's common to be shy but they usually come around after a few minutes and he didn't).
He's been going to baby and toddler groups and other places with lots of children almost daily since then and has improved dramatically. He no longer cries at strangers who speak to him in the supermarket and in recent weeks he's sometimes even been smiling or waving (mostly he just stares).
He's now able to go to parties and "comes around" to people there, smiling and laughing with them after 20 minutes or so, shows them his toys etc.
He loves his immediate and extended family who he sees regularly, knows their names and is excited to see them and play with them every time.
At toddler groups he's started to get confident enough to sit close to the front away from us and last time even sat with another boy pointing at things and naming them together.
I feel like socially he's ok now. Perhaps more cautious than some children but I definitely don't see that he's behind.
He walked at 10 months and has always met his physical milestones slightly earlier than expected. He was a little late to get down stairs but that's mostly because I was anxious about letting him. He bum bounces down now with no issues. He can play on slides etc at the playground.
He knows genuinely probably hundreds of words although they're mostly nouns. He knows names of species of dinosaurs, a ridiculous number of Thomas Tank characters, lots of animals, vehicles etc. He doesn't really use proper sentences yet which I believe is still normal?
He's sort of starting to put words together although mostly it's quite broken like if he is pretending his dinosaur is eating he will say "roar... eat.... mouth..." but he doesn't say like "want eat" or "more milk". Instead he will say "more" then wait to be asked what he wants more of and then say "milk".
I realise it sounds like a weird attempt at a brag so far but what I am getting to is that I really get the vibe from other people that he is not the way they expect him to be. It's embarrassing to type this but I actually thought he was quite ahead developmentally but when I meet people they seem to act like it's the opposite.
I want to caveat this with saying that he's very tall and looks like an older toddler. At 20 months people usually guess he's 2.5 ish years old and he's as big as a lot of toddlers that age are.
People are always trying to talk to him with questions like "have you ever been on a plane?", "what's your name?" or "what's your favourite animal?". This is even after telling them his age. They're not just asking but seemingly expecting an answer and are confused when he doesn't.
Other children seem to find him odd for lack of a better word. Older toddlers try to speak to him and when he doesn't respond they frown. I've noticed he tends to get picked on a bit more than others eg older ones trying to not let him on the slide, blocking his way more etc. I know it's all normal kid stuff and I step in when needed but I do feel it happens to him disproportionately.
Recently had two situations with cousins (age 8-9) playing on his ride along toy that he had just got the day or so before and was obsessed with. I think he did really really well at sharing with them and let one of them play for 40 minutes while he went on his old ride along toy and they chased each other around. However there were times where he went over and said he wanted to go on and I really got the vibe the parent thought he was being bratty and expected him to be able to wait without asking for the entire time they were visiting. I thought his sharing skills were good for his age but again other peoples expectations of how well he should be able to do this seem much higher than mine so maybe I am off.
Also my one concerns is that he genuinely does not seem to understand when I ask him to be quiet eg if he's playing with his dinosaur and roaring loudly or if he's doing excited squeals or generally talking at a time it's expected to be quiet.
I am admittedly a bit oblivious to his noise as I don't tend to notice like I do when other kids make noise but since people have commented I've become really conscious of trying to keep him from being too loud.
The reason I genuinely don't think he understands is that he DOES listen to most instructions like "stop banging", "no don't do that," "take your shoes off" and "tidy up". He's generally quite well behaved and will follow instructions even if he sometimes cries about it. Or at least he will understand the instruction but say "no" if he's in one of those moods. But when I ask him to be quiet he doesn't seem to have a clue what I'm actually asking. If I model whispering he thinks I'm pretending to be a snake and hisses!
Recently I saw a family member who had only met him as a newborn who asked if I was putting him in nursery and quickly mentioned that a benefit would be that they could notice and point out if they thought anything was wrong with him. She quickly backtracked that she wasn't saying there was anything wrong but it's just always good to know.
Generally before becoming a parent I'd have said that if other people think there's something there probably is and as a parent I am just blind to it.
The reason I am still sort of hanging on the height thing is that yesterday I saw a 16 month old who looked so much younger than DS did four months ago, like still resembled a baby. I know these expectations were there for DS four months ago and I soon realised they weren't at all for this much smaller little girl. She was still carried around a lot (even though she could walk), adults and other kids were much gentler than her, people laughed like it was cute when she made loud noises and nobody asked her any questions at all other than the rhetorical baby voice questions people ask. She also had a dummy in the whole time and nobody mentioned a thing.
I wonder if even though I tell people his age, people see a child who looks a certain way/size and has certain expectations of them immediately that are hard to change.
I know I'll be getting his 2 year check letter soon and I don't know how to bring up my concerns. I can't find specific milestones he's not meeting. It's just a general sense that everyone who meets him doesn't seem to think he behaves normally but it's not easy to find out exactly why. It's all little subtle comments or looks people make.
Has anyone had similar experiences or any thoughts?