5 year old behaviour

[Fawn68]

Hi. Wondering if anyone has any advice for me. Mum of 3, oldest is 5 years old. His behaviour has been challenging since he was 2 years old.

But my family and my parents are struggling with his behaviour. He is very hyper to the point he takes it too far with his siblings and myself and his dad. He would hit me and yell and scream if doesn't get his own way, we have tried gentle parenting, putting him to his room, shouting, naughty step, lots and lots of praise when/if behaviour is good. But nothing is working. He is the most well behaved child in school. And I have spoken with the school nurse, Health visitor and GP with the concern of adhd and attention span etc is good. However they won't even entertain this as they said his behaviour in school is excellent, in fact his teacher said he is the most well behaved kind child she has taught in many years.

He is extremely shy, so won't attend any groups outside of the home. It's gotten to the point it's really wearing me down and I can't take anymore, and family members won't look after them because it's so crazy and hyper. I feel like we are being controlled by a 5 year old and I am walking on eggshells all the time incase I set his temper off.

Anyone got any advice? Does this get better? Is it normal?

My only advice woukd be to read The Explosive Child and to ask in the SN Children Section for some advice

Thank you @RappersNeedChapstick I will check this out!

It sounds like he's putting absolutely enormous effort into being that perfectly behaved child in school, and then everything comes flooding out at home.

It could help to give him ways to get some of it out of his system in a more managed way – so say, a bit of time at the park/on the trampoline/going mad in the garden as soon as he gets out of school. Or he may need the opposite, a bit of time to chill in a calm, cosy space with a tablet or a book before being asked to do his reading or manage play with his siblings. Or he may need the activity, and then the chill time, or vice versa. The same on the weekend – he may regularly need this sort of time to kind of empty out the built-up energy and emotions.

If you can squeeze in even a few minutes first thing in the morning, especially before school or a big day out, that might also help – essentially have him starting the day in as good a place as possible.

Quick 'rescue' options when you see he's starting to struggle can be things like star jumps or running on the spot for an active fix or things like breathing exercises (blowing out candles on a cake) or noticing what you can see, hear, smell, feel, and taste for quiet ones. Personally, the senses one works better for us, but of course they're all different.

@skkyelark thank you for all this advice! I will definitely try some of these techniques, especially the star jumps and blowing out the candles. When he comes home from school he does not stop it's just constant.

For example today I took him to the barbers along with his younger brother, and had to leave as he was running about and wouldn't listen when I kept saying stop. Then started shouting when I basically had to drag him out of the shop. When I have him on his own 1-1 his behaviour is perfect, but once he's with his siblings then all hell breaks loose every minute of the day. I am just so physically and mentally drained from it all.

No wonder you're feeling drained – three little ones is full-on, before you add in all this! Do you get a proper break, some time actually for you?

For things like the barbers – I'm assuming he was waiting – we sometimes play a game called 'Can you?' (very creatively named). Basically 'Can you reach up to the sky and then touch your toes?' 'Can you point at something red?' 'Can you run on the spot?' 'Can you name five animals?' and so on. For us it works well at channelling the crazies if I start it when I first see signs – I guess maybe it's the right mix of physical and mental engagement, adjustable to the right level of challenge. I always start with a physical question or two, though.

A couple of other random thoughts, may or may not be useful. Does he have any sensory quirks, struggle with certain clothes, foods, too much noise, or certain types of noise? Or the reverse, seem to really love certain textures, types of movement, etc.? I'm just thinking that if, say, his shoes are annoying him or the buzzing of clippers bothers him, then that's some of his ability to cope already used up. Or if he loves fluffy things or always seems to be spinning around like a crazy thing, that's probably something you could use to help him work off the energy/emotions.

You say he's great 1 to 1, but crazy once his siblings are involved. Does he have space of his own, and is he encouraged to use it? Encouraged to spend some time doing big boy lego or whatever in his room or in the kitchen whilst you/DH cooks and the other is elsewhere with the two younger ones?

@skkyelark thankfully I have a very supportive husband and do get time to myself if I am really struggling. But sometimes it's difficult when all they want is me.

He doesn't have any sensory issues really, he does suck a lot though which I have noticed increasing a bit more recently. He still has his comforter and he would suck it or suck his jumper and would always have his fingers in his mouth. He doesn't have his own space and I have really took on board all of your advice which I am extremely thankful for.

I am going to sort a wee corner just for him in the play room with "big boy" toys like Lego that only he is allowed and if he wants to play with it and get some chill time he can do that alone.

He also definitely seems to have bad anxiety, he does go to school ok but as for activities outside of school this is just a big no. he will not participate in anything whatsoever! i cant even leave his sight.