My very aware 5 yr is recognising that her temper needs curbing. She wants to learn some techniques - where should I look?

[ListersSister]

My dd is 5 and a bit and has always had a murderous temper. She flares up a bit less than when she was younger, but even so it is a frequent occurrence and she really will bite off her nose to spite her face (metaphorically speaking - although she does hit out as well as scream, shout etc etc).

In her calm moments she is contrite and very sad that she can't control herself. She wants to learn how to. I have talked to her about how her body feels when she gets mad, but realise I really don't have the expertise to help her properly.

Where do I go from here? She is bright and perceptive so able to help herself if given some help. I don't have a HV and the school nurse is elusive, plus waiting lists are enormous for everything in our area, so I need some tips or books please. All comments welcome . She is a great, loving, caring child, but her temper really impairs her ability to enjoy things sometimes.

(Lurking and watching for angry dd)

I teach some children with huge tempers. We teach them to count to 10- boring I know but it does work for some- visiting a happy place in their minds - you need to do some visualisation work with her to help her identify her happy place. The most effective one I have used is to sing a favourite song either out loud or in your head- anything that the child likes. The best sort are songs that get stuck in your head - can be a jingle from an advert or anything. It kind of rewires the brain. One of my pupils hums the lenor ad song at the moment to help him snap out of a rage!

Thanks Spud >
Good ideas there. Trouble is she can't yet stop to do those techniques - she needs help first in recognising that she is going over the edge - it is fairly instantaneous atm. Help!

How about a visual cue to indicate she is going over the edge? A card with an upset face on it for example? She could be in charge of holding up the card, holding it up when she is losing it?
Will keep on thinking....

Ahhh, yes. That has me thinking - how about a happy face on one hand (for balance) and a sad face on the other? She just has to raise her hand as a trigger? That may work...
More thinking welcome

Have a look at the Think Good Feel Good book by Paul Stallard it's great for kids A Cognitive Behaviour Workbook. Excellent section on anger/temper etc. You can actually download and use the different sections but you do need a password - which is a word on a page of the book. Really not sure if I should share though Have a look and if you want the password I'll PM you.
HTH

got this from another thread on here ...it really helped my dd

traffic light coloured squares of card (we laminated ours)

(helps 'em recognise the signs)

Orange - I'm starting to get frustrated

Red - I'm furious

Green - I'm serene!!

Keep them in the same place and dc can grab them and hold them up as and when.

I've been known to use them too !!

Also some other parenting bks I've read suggest getting child to draw how being angry makes them feel (not a technique for use during tantrum but a means for discussion afterwards to aid awareness of triggers/causes etc)

Oh and a friend of mine has a ds who has learnt basic relaxation/meditation techniques at school - but they do live in Notting Hill - seriously though, she says it has really helped him calm down ...

Can you / she identify which situations are likely to set her off? DS used to get v. frustrated and loose his temper when he was stopped from doing something he wanted to do (ie when we said 'no'). This is much better now, I think he grew out of it.

We use "sniff the cake and blow out the candles" which I think I first heard about on here - basically you encourage them to take a big breath in through their nose ("sniff the cake"), and then puff out through their mouths ("blow out the candles") when they feel they are getting wound up. DD1 (5) finds it really useful, and reminds me to do it when I am getting cross!

Does she get lots of excercise? Excerise is good for getting the overall tension down.

You could try a little 'stress ball' type ball that she has in her pocket and pulls out to give a squeeze for a few mins to clam down, or buy a tiny little egg timer (with the sand that pours through) and she has to sit down and watch it pour though until it stops. About a minute should be enough.

I have also heard of (when she is in a clam moment) looking at and discussing emotions by looking at cartoon faces eg. range of about 6 faces going from really calm and smiley right through to really annoyed. Talk most about the middle ones and what they feel like. This will help her see that anger is not a sudden emotiona and that it builds up gradually. You could combine the two ideas?

HTH

Oh, loads to think about -ta!

Exercise - yes she gets loads, she is a real livewire in all ways. Being tired is more likely to trigger her rage, but she does not sleep easily alas.

As for other triggers, it can be anything really. Obviously being thwarted, told no, not getting to chose, loosing a game/race. She can rage about the wrong plate, the fact that someone else has the book she was intending to choose, who gets in the car first etc etc. It isn't constant - her temper is unpredictable.

The tricky bit is that she really does go from normal to out of control really quickly - like an animal snapping iykwim? It is hard to deflect as it is often out of the blue in an otherwise calm day.

I like the idea of all the suggestions though - will have a think about what might suit her best...

BTW, just wanted to mention that she is actually quite a happy soul. She has lots of friends, is very capable and confident. The temper is mainly, but not exclusively, with those closest to her, although she has shocked her teacher on a couple of occasions