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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can't leave child's room at night before she has fallen asleep - help!

14 replies

mummynoonoo · 13/04/2008 20:34

My 20 month daughter will not let me leave the room at bedtime (i.e she has uncontrollable tantrums if I try) before she has fallen asleep,

It started when she was ill a few months ago when I stayed in her room to comfort her during the night, but now it has turned in to a habit we can't seem to break. I am loathed to try the controlled crying route as she can just get herself in to such a state. I know we have made a rod for our own backs, but really need help to get out of the routine as it means bedtime takes an age and I am trapped in the bedroom till she is asleep

Can anyone help PLEASE??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

sparkymummy · 13/04/2008 20:39

Can you start popping in and out, eg saying Mummy needs to get a drink, go to the toilet etc, then promise you'll come back and do it. Slowly increase the time you spend out of the room as long as she is ok with it, then maybe you'll find she drops off without you. I've not tried it as DS is the same but I am sticking with it at the mo as I remember hating falling asleep alone when I was little, but thats what I'm thinking of trying if it starts to drive me mad!

gagarin · 13/04/2008 20:39

Have you tried the gradual withdrawal technique - implemented over several weeks?

Stand next to cot

Sit near cot

Sit further away

Sit near door

Sit in hall

Go and sort out washing and pop back to doorway

etc
etc

Takes ages but worth it!

Also put bedtime back a little so she's really tired (but don't let her sleep in...) and it might work quicker

keevamum · 13/04/2008 20:41

Can't help at all, sorry. I am in the exact same position. Our 22 month old needs us in until she has fallen asleep too. Also if she wakes in the night we have to go in to her and stay until she goes off again. Bloody exhausting isn't it? We have got a nintendo DS which we play on that at least allows us something to do while we sit and wait and wait...

Novacane · 13/04/2008 20:41

We had this problem after MiniNova came out of hossie after an illness, at about 2 1/2.
We also had moved him into his own bed, and he just wouldn't stay in it.

I got a chair and parked it next to his bed. The first night I laid by the side of him till he fell asleep.
The next night i sat on the chair, and put him back into bed time and time again till he fell asleep.
The next night i moved the chair a bit further away, returned to bed etc etc
I repeated this till i got to the door/ outside of the door. It took about 2 weeks to get into the hall.
It was hard work but soo worth it!

He is now just 4, and never leaves his room once put to bed, he knows he ca get up to read if he wants, but knows his boudaries. Try it and let us know how you get on!

nell12 · 13/04/2008 20:41

Sit on the floor. Each night sit a little closer to the door, then sit just outside the door (where she can see you) Keep moving a little further away with ever passing night.

Should take about a week

Good luck

forkhandles · 13/04/2008 20:42

I've done the popping in and out (DS) and gradually moving towards the door (DD1) both with success and very little or no crying.

HonoriaGlossop · 13/04/2008 20:44

I had this with my ds for ages. I found I had to be really clear with him on the boundaries; I was in the room while he was laying for sleep. He knew that I would go if he got up and tried to play. As long as he was laying I didn't mind being in there with him (too much!) I think some children just need the comfort of another human being when they're going off; and it hasn't made a rod for our backs for ever, DS can now be left playing happily though he is five now. I think we laid in with him till he was about 4.

We started to come out after a while, saying we had to check on something or do something and would be back in a minute, and then gradually increased the minutes we were out of the room; so that might be worth trying with your dd. So long as you DO come back, she will probably learn to drop off alone eventually.

This approach probably not for everyone ( I think I read that St. Tanya of Byron says that this is possibly training them to be awake because they're waiting for you!) but it worked for us as I didn't want a distressed child at bedtime; and my ds doesn't have a sibling to be with so I understand that need to have someone around.

If you don't get wound up about it it's a bit nicer too; I used to read while he dropped off.

hugeheadofhair · 13/04/2008 20:45

Can your DP take over? Mummy's attention is always so nice, she might not be too interested in keeping your DP in the room. You have to announce very clearly that you won't come back to her, and that daddy is going to tuck her in if she cries. Then do what you say and let your DP do it. The problem is not only that she is taking up your evenings, but she also learns that tantrumming pays off, and that is the worst rod you can imagine.

My DS3 is going through a similar phase at the moment, but he is a year older than your DD, and now, after a week of not wanting to go to sleep and stay in bed, he settles when my DH tucks him in (but seemed to keep coming out of bed when I did it).

Good luck, it's a very tiring and upsetting phase, isn't it.

Novacane · 13/04/2008 20:45

lol @ the nintendo... I remember reading a good couple of books squinting by the night light!

Novacane · 13/04/2008 20:48

Oh, and don't enter into any conversation or eye contact after you have said na night, cuddle and kiss etc, so they are getting no reward for kicking off at you.

pinacolada82 · 13/04/2008 20:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

mummynoonoo · 13/04/2008 22:49

Thanks. So nice to know it's a common problem and all remedies are much the same! Will try the withdrawal technique and worst case will buy a nintendo ...fingers crossed

OP posts:

gigglewitch · 13/04/2008 22:54

join the flippin club. There is now a bonus to it - wireless router and laptop... it has now become meee time and mn here i come
i have three of the little cherubs and the only one who will happily settle himself is the 7yo. the 4yo & 2yo take turns to be the pita-of-the-night, daddy simply won't do it must be mummmmmeeeeeee!! Grrrr until i sussed out the i ignore child and it falls asleep / i mn and i am happy type of scenario

CarofromWton · 14/04/2008 21:01

Me too gigglewitch! I never used to have this problem with my DDs but lately DD1 (aged 9 ) is terrified of being left alone at bedtime. After several months of arguments, coaxing etc I took her to the doctor and she advised me to wait in the room next to DD's bedroom until she has gone to sleep. In that room I have a laptop, so I use the time to go onto MN! I've never been on MN so often! Still wish DD1 would improve at bedtime though - it's a hard phase to go through.

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