my son needs psycological help.

[Krissy76]

my son is 8 years old. He has allways been different. He is not very competitive. He does not like sports, he never gets "pissed off", never gets into fights. Many would think well isn't that a good thing, but no, not really. Other boys I have seen go red in the face with anger ready to punch the wrongdoer, but mine will just say aaargh and remove himself and the result is he does not have many friends. Most other boys will bully him any chance they get. And I agree with his teacher that it has something to do with the way he is. He can be arrogant at times, and not take no for an answer, just to irritate he will be stubourn like a mule. He gives up too easyly has little faith in himself, and he seemes depressed and quiet. My heart brakes for him and I give him lots of cuddles, because he loves cuddles and I try to give him faith in himself, but it is hard! I taught him lots of things and it was hard, not because he couldent do it, but because he would'nt try. But once I managed to convince him that he can, he could.
So his dad and I split up right after his sister was born and I thought it a good idea he stay with daddy for a while, while I finish my studies and look after the baby. So he moved over there to dad and step mom. But I miss him so much, and when I spoke to his teacher on the phone she told me he is depressed and needs a psycologist.
He has allways been different, very philosophical, and easyly distressed. And how awful is it to be so far apart when I am needed.
I so wonder why? Why has he turned out this way, I was so much more ideological and a better parent back then because I was so determined to turn him into a great and happy man. I was allways so proud and I still am of him being so kind to younger kids, and shareing his sweets or toys, while other kids would go MINE!... But now I feel I failed... Kids are supposed to have egotistic tendecies, he just lets others rule. My daugter is so the opposite of my son, she is such a standard kid it makes me laugh... She whinges for sweets like any other child, and I think she is such a kid. While my son never asked for anything in shops, and told us when we asked him as a 5 year old what he would like for his birthday presant> anything you can afford. I mean what child says things like that??
Well, if anyone has similar expiriences I would be glad to hear from you.

I have just been to see my GP with my son who is desperately underachieving at school. he is highly intelligent, likes to be different, and has many other ADD traits, though I don't think he is ADD. I know that he suffers from depression, (I recognise it as I have done in the past) and mentionned it to the GP, but said I don't want him treated medically

I have asked the GP to refer us to the Child and Family clinic, there they have trained child psychologists who specialise in child mental health problems. There is a long wait, but in the mean time having just talked to the GP and the school counsellor things became a little clearer and easier.

My concern is that boys can suffer from depression very easily, and my son is 15. The suicide rate is very high amongst the 14 - 18 age group, so I wanted him to see someone before it became a very serious issue.

You are right to be concerned, some of the things you say are disturbing. Your sons self esteem seems very low. I understand what you are going through and it can be just as painful for you as your son.

See your GP first, the school can also and should make a referral to the Educational psychologist (wish I didn't keep having to spell that word) if they have any concerns. It m,ay just require an initial assessment from mthe school EP, but get him referred by as many avenues as possible. (Try health visitor also)

I feel for you, it is very hard to seea child in such turmoil and distress, I don't want to worry or alarm you but he needs help, and so do you in how to cope with it.

Best of luck and thinking of you.

maryz - interesting - I have just been writing on another thread about my brother who has Aspergers and depression was one of the things that helped them diagnose it when he was 12!

Krissy and alibubbles, no advice but a virtual hug for you both x E

Thanks for the support!
I feel it is so awful that he probably will get some diagnosis. It's just up to the dad really to take him to a psycologist, which will not be easy since he does not see -or rather want to see what the problem is. Most adults think of him as such a nice child so it is hard for to see what is the problem if one does'nt observe him with other childeren, and with a few exeptions he does also prefer adult company. If I should describe his nature he is very much like the kid in the cartoon calvin and hobbes, but very depressed at times. I'll have to look up those diagnosis mentioned. It is just very frustrateing not knowing what to do.

krissy, I just want to say that your son sounds like he is extremely intelligent which can present "special need" problems. I wish you luck with helping him.

Enid, thank you for your cyber support. It is very touching when people who you only know through the internet express their feelings and offer support. Thanks

Krissy76, he sounds just like a friend of mine. I've known him since he as 10 and he never conformed to the usual boisterous male sterotype. He also was frequently depressed as a child, and I've always suspected that he is borderline autistic/Aspergers. He has many strange quirks - drives dh insane by calling us on the phone and launching into a conversation without even saying hello or who it is. Frequently he just continues with the last conversation you had with him, even though it may have been weeks ago. And even as an adult he seems slightly socially dislocated. But his friends and children adore him.

Having said that, he is extremly intelligent, despite not doing too well at school, he now has a MA and is a primary school teacher. He is hero worshipped by his pupils, especially the boys as he seemes to have retained the ability to talk to them completly on their level.

What I'm trying to say is maybe you should celebrate his differences. The world would be a very boring place if everyone was the same. Teach him some strategies to cope with the depression but don't try to chamge him.

Krissy - I wish you and your son all the best, and wanted to say that perhaps your son just takes things on board a lot more than most children of his age.
I have a niece who was always very different from everyone else. I can remember having to comfort her when she was 8 years old because she was upset that she would never have a good enough job to afford a house of her own. She was absolutely distraught, and also worried about whether anyone liked her for herself, and much preferred adult company, actively seeking it out.
You expect children to be running around happily without any of those thoughts in their heads - she was more interested in acting like a mum to her younger brother and sister, and seemed happy with her own company. Some children are simply more advanced in their thinking, and understand more than we think they do. They pick up on things they hear and ponder on them - perhaps your son is one of those children.
My niece is 12 now and has gone on to make a few select friends, and is still quiet and thoughtful, very loving and caring, and I think she is growing into a wonderful person.
Your son is special (as are all children) and you haven't failed - you have a wonderful, loving son who puts others first. I hope that, whatever his diagnosis, you find a way forward together, and that the future holds great things for you.

Thank you Batters.

I have had a long chat with DS's house master and he seems to think that his problems are just those of a normal teenage boy, raging with hormones.

When I cried my eyes out the other morning on the phone to house master at 8.30 am after I had thrown a cup of tea DS, HM said he probably deserved it. HM had already seen DS who had gone straight to see him on arrival at school, and despatched him to the school counsellor. A lovely new england american priest!

DH doesn't think DS needs to see the pschycologist, but I think as we have waited six months for the appointment we ought to go as we have nothing to lose.

DS does seem to be coming out of the wilderness slowly and is coping with a boy's brain in a man's body. We are fine for months and then we both blow up at something, we are too much alike!!

He was so wonderful last night all dressed up in a Paul Smith suit looking far more than his age and being accepted as an equal by our colleagues, I guess we tend to expect too much of him and forget that he is only 15. I say to DH what were you like at 15, he was still making model airplanes and skinning his knees!

I think that we and society are probably to blame as the expectation from todays children is si much different to when we were young.

I read today in the Telegraph that teenagers see sex as a recreational sport, not a means to have children!! They don't attach any emotion to it like we did or do, it's just another activity.

Oh well. better make sure DS is alive after his bing last night!

Thanks again, it is really helpful to read these msg. I had a look at the disorders mentioned here, but I dont think he quite fits the description. But however his behaviour did fit quite accurately the behaviour of a depressed child. I am thinking his depression may be caused by me never telling him to stand up for himself when he was teased, I just allways taught him to understand that if someone pickes on him it is not because there is anything wrong with him, but that there is something rather wrong with the bully. Some kids in our naighbourhood were just so awful towards him, once a couple of them that were in his class knocked on my door complaining that he was comeing in the way of the sun, when all he wanted was to play with them! What do you say to that? I told them that he just wanted to play, but they just ran away giggeling. My son was really sad. Kids can be so cruel! Now that he has moved he has a couple of friends, but he is still different and depressed.He is inteligent I know that, most people have commented on that, but at the same time he is very argumentative. And sometimes will only listen to himself, if one does forse explanation through, by repetition and makeing him confirm. Once I was walking to the cinema with him to see a movie, and he picked up a glass bottle from the road and smashed it on the grownd for no reason. I told him that it was dangerous, that he should think of the consequences before pulling a stupid stunt like that. But he refused to even admit it was him who did it, even thoug I saw him do it. So I had to say Ok we will go home then, no movie before You tell me why you did it. He just said, I don't know who did it. It would not have made me so angry if this was not one of his regular stunts, no it was not me... So I had to ask him how many people are there here? He said 2. And then I said Yes two, and since it was not me that did it then who was it? He then admitted it was him and said he was sorry, and he did seem to regret lieing because he cried, but it did take me about 15 minutes with this small task.
It has never been easy bringing him up, and now that he is with his dad, I find that very sad but also a relief- at least he listens to his dad more then me, boys usually do I have heard.
And could someone please explain what these shortnings you use stand for, since I am new to this? (dd and so on..)