Extreme meltdowns

[Darmy1]

Hi all.

we have a 3.5 year old, meeting all milestones. Generally quite bright and advanced. Speaks very well and is actually able to identify feelings once calm e.g. I was feeling angry/sad

She’s been having very extreme meltdowns whereby she’ll hit, scream until she looses her voice, throws her head on the floor, deliberately wees on the floor, trash her room or where ever she is (breaking items too), bite or hit/punch herself and us. She ends up extremely hyperventilating and shaking out of anger. she ends up working herself up so much she can’t breathe and she goes all stiff out of anger. Neighbours have told us they can hear her.

I’m not talking about a general toddler tantrums I’m talking extreme. She is unable to calm down. This sometimes goes on for hours. We’ve tried ignoring, reward charts, being close by/reassuring. Nothing helps. Tried to teach her coping mechanisms (breathing, counting) but no luck.
Sometimes it’s over the most minor thing And at times she’ll wake up in the middle of the night, call us in and then when we attempt to engage with her she just gets angry and the behaviours start, so completely untriggered at times.

These began a few months ago and would be everyday. She randomly stopped and we had a few weeks of “normal” tantrums however these violent and angry meltdowns have randomly started again last week. Nothings changed at home or nursery. In between these meltdowns she’s fine. (She has been wetting herself more than usual too but not sure if this is related)

any advice?

Honestly, you could be talking about my DD when she was that age especially. It was constant and extreme as you have described. Mine used to hold onto her wee as well which would send her loopy. You have my whole sympathy, it is so hard.

At only 3.5 years old it’s a hard one to put a finger on. She is still so young. Have you spoken to nursery?

It could be a multitude of things. It could be that she is a ‘deeper feeling kid’ or a highly sensitive child. Google this, there is so much out there about this kind of child which may help you and give you some relief.

It could be just a super intense phase and she is just really feeling those growth spurts. How was she as a baby? Did you really see those ‘wonder weeks?

It could be an indicator of neurodivergence but that won’t necessarily be clear to pinpoint until she is much older.
some kids really do just feel things more than others! Not fun though for you.

My advice for when you are in the moment- speak less. Say very, very little. I always found speaking too much always stoked the fire and made everything escalate. I would let her ride it out, removing everything she can throw. Then when she is done, see if she wants to be wrapped up or hugged really tight as she’ll be shaken and strung out.
we used books like ‘The colour monster’ to help for talking afterwards.

If it’s seemingly coming out of now where, it might be that she has a build up of frustration etc that she needs to release and this is an effective way of doing it.

Think about how you are asking for things, are you inadvertently putting too many demands on her or commands? I ended up using a puppet to get mine to put on her shoes, etc etc as she would be delighted by the silly puppet saying ‘time to get your shoes on!’ But would loose her s**t if it was me!!