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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Sibling Rivalry - How much should I get involved?

12 replies

Sparkler · 12/04/2008 19:21

DD1 is currently 8 (9 in June) and DD2 is 6. They seem to be constantly at each others throats. It seems to come more from DD1's side although DD2 is far from an angel.
I know that some bickering and fighting is to be expected and it's part of their development in looking out for themselves in the big wide world and bladey bladey blah! but how much should you intervene.

My two are currently in another room but I can hear them talking together. DD1 has just told DD2 that she hates her and thinks she is horrible. It breaks my heart to hear them talking like this to each other.

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NaughtyNigel · 12/04/2008 19:26

god
is it the weather? my 2 are like this. no words of wisdom as have no idea how to deal with it.

GruffaloSoldier · 12/04/2008 21:20

Do your girls enjoy doing any activities together? Its just a thought but how about trying to find things they like doing together and making time for this so they can 'bond'??
My sisters kids are exactly the same boy 10 and girl 5. I do think it is perfectly naturally and they will grow out of it.
Are there times when they get on well??or can just about tolerate each other LOL!

Wallace · 12/04/2008 21:33

You have described my oldest two exactly (same ages, but have boy and girl)

Sorry can't help. I just find myself trotting out the same phrses my mum used to use (she says we fought the same), such as "If you can't think of anything nice to say don't say anything at all"

CarGirl · 12/04/2008 21:35

I would recommend reading "HOw to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and their other book "siblings without rivlary" really great, lots of pratical ideas and gets you to see rivalry for what it is.

Original poster

Sparkler · 12/04/2008 21:59

Oh yes they do have times when they get on. In fact, if I tell one of them off for something in particular they tend to stick together and Mum is the evil one.
I know I have nothing to worry about and it's probably natural and everyone has the same thing with their children. It's just hard when you hear such horrible, hurtful things being said between them and how they can end up hurting each other with sneaky slaps/punches etc.
Oh the things they don't tell you about motherhood eh?

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branflake81 · 13/04/2008 07:58

My sister and I had exactly the same age gap as your two and had the worst rivalary...sad to say it lasted until we were about 14 and 16 but now we are the best of friends. It used to break my mum's heart. She was an only child and had really wanted to have two children so they could play together. It isn't easy and I don't have any words of advice, only that if they are anything like me and my sister they will get through it.

ScienceTeacher · 13/04/2008 08:39

I do not put up with anyone hating one another. I would definitely intervene there, but generally ignore other arguments/whinging.

If they are fighting over something (toy, computer, TV, chair), then no one will get it unless they agree to share.

chavtastic · 13/04/2008 09:54

I don't mind the "I hate you!!" it never lasts. 2 minutes later they are laughing and playing again (usually). They're just saying how they feel at the moment; shouting is ok, it's hitting I usually have to stop. Though I did let DD and DS2 roll around on the floor the other day for 5 minutes, punching and kicking. They are evenly matched and either one could have asked me to stop the fight. Once they both had a few solid blows in I broke it up and they had whatever aggravation there was out of their system I had no idea who started it, and both played again together happily not long later.

I have banned them from talking to each other for a set period, taken toys away until they can figure out how to share, and even banished one or more offenders to their rooms for a cooling downperiod. They still fight the next time.

What pisses me off is that DD is almost always the one to give in agrees to share first, etc. compared to her brothers. It's not on. So if she wants to shout " I hate you!!" inbetween, it's the least the boys deserve.

scanner · 13/04/2008 09:58

Mine are similar, what breaks my heart is that dd2 adores dd1 and pleads with her to let her play and dd1 just finds her anoying. I identify with both of them, but worry about dd2.

chavtastic · 13/04/2008 10:01

Other dynamic I have is 3rd child very sweetly & desperately just wants to join in with older 2, but they treat No.3 like a disgusting pest. When No.3 feels hurt and left out enough, he thumps the older ones.

Twas ever the fate for little brothers + sisters, I guess...

Fillyjonk · 13/04/2008 10:05

I think its very tricky

I do think kids have a right to their own relationships. It is quite ok, imo, for them to not actually like each other.

However what I do feel is that they need, and deserve, a lot of adult help in working out how to articulate feelings towards each other.

We don't allow physical violence or saying downright nasty things like "I hate you". If it happens, it is something that is always talked through. First because it is upsetting for the person who has had that said to them. But second, because odds are the "victim" must have really upset the other child in order to get them to this point.

Psychomum5 · 13/04/2008 10:15

I get involved if it is turning into all out war, or if they are saying nasty things to each other, but on the whole, I try not to intervene too much as (for mine) they then start all the tale telling lark that drives me potty!!!!

we have a blanket ban on words such as idiot, stupid, hate (as in 'I hate you'), skank, der brain, thick etc.......I term them all as belittling and demeaning words that can hurt feeling and so they aren;t to say them to each other, nor me and DH either (and, if possible, friends are told the same if in our house). they are also told not to say 'shut-up' anymore either, as I was shouting it too much at one point and realised how awful I sounded. At time like name calling therefore I do step in, if only to try and teach them better ways of telling each other when and why they are so cross. of course that also means I have to get inventive with wording that gets meaning across without making the other child feel bad about themselves........tis a hard old job that I can tell you.

Hopefully at that point tho it can turn the situation humerous as we all try to find words that work for that moment, and then one of them mispronounces something causing giggling......most recent was DS2 trying to say 'oblivious'........came out something like 'a-boob-fess'...!

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