Is this just what boys of 3.5yrs do or am expecting too much from ds?

[Mummy2TandF]

My ds is 3.5 and has never been "an angel" However, just lately he has become very demanding, for example will say - "get me a drink" .. we have the usual conversation of that's not a nice way to speak to mummy, how do you ask properly, so he asks nicely and then immediately says "you are not moving!!"

He now refuses to get dressed in the morning (previously wanted to do it himself) and when I ask him to put his clothes on he says "you dress me!", if I ask him to pick up his toys (because he has thrown them all over the living room) he says "NO, you do it" .... I don't give in to his demands as I think that will give the wrong signals but I am so tired with everything being a struggle, it would be so easy for me to get him dressed in the morning at night and to pick his toys up but I think that he is at an age where he should be doing it for himself, he is certainly capable ... opinions please, should I do these things for him to avoid the situation or stick it out in the hope that he eventually does it without this struggle? Obviously asking for things nicely is non negotiable.

On another note, he has recently taken to going to the toilet anywhere but the toilet, the other day I caught him trying to pee into a toy fire extingusher, if he is in the garden he takes great pleasure in attempting to pee anywhere he can and tonight he got out of bed and took his pj's off, got in the bath and just stood and peed and I am sure that he just pees on the floor in our downstairs toilet (we have a wooden floor and it has been wet after he has been to the loo for about 2 weeks, everytime) When I ask him about it he says that he was washing his hands but I have my doubts .... are these stages that every 3,5 yr old goes through or are theses issues that need to be dealt with? And if they are any suggestions?

Sorry for the long post

HI, I'm not enormously knowledgeable on 3 year olds, however, I do have a fair it of experience of my niece who is the same age. What you describe could also describe her to a 'T' at the moment. I am certain, it is actually a normal stage for them. AS far as i'm aware, its all related to suddenly discovering they can assert some control over things, especially with the peeing issue.

I have recently read a book called 'Toddler Taming' by Dr Christopher Green. The title sounds a bit harsh, but there is actually no taming or trainig involved, honestly. there is a lot of really good common sense approaches to just this kind of thing. Although, my DD is a lot younger ( 14m) It has been really useful already to me. I'd really recommend it. It certainly sorted out my 14month sleeping problem ( aka isoel ) It also helped me deal with some things that cropped up with my niece. My Brother and SIL have now read it, and found it invaluable.

The best thing about the book is that it has so much in it on so many common topics, and it's incredibly reassuring as it shows you that most toddlers do similar things, at similar stages of development, and that your child is not a terrible monster... which is reassuring at times!

Sorry I couldn't help you more myself, but hope you can maybe get hold of that book for some ideas.

It is, I'm afraid to say, pretty normal from what I can work out. And I have a 3.6 year old DS who is also pretty, um, assertive. ("Nooo! Drink in the BLUUUUUE cup!" "I don't LIKE you mummy!" "NOOOOO! That's NOT our bus, want the NEXT one" etc).

This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass.

Sounds pretty normal to me.

If he doesn't want to get dressed by hmself, help him. He is still little. If you force him to do it, it will just delay him wanting to do it alone again.

For the toys, I ask them (5 and 3) to ask me again nicely to help and then join in the clear up with them. Or if possible, I don't say anything, leave it about half an hour later suggest a game that requires space (musical statues, making a bus by lining up the dining chairs) and then say 'we've got to make space first'. They are usually really quick to help in such circumstances.

With hindsight, I don't think they realise how rude 'you do it' sounds at this age.

Other than the toilet stuff, my 2.7 yr old does some of these things too:

Throws toys all over the place, then, when I ask him to pick them up yells, "No, Mummy do it"

Or scenarios like this:

DS: Mummy, I'd like cereal please.
Me: OK, would you like milk on it?
DS: No. NO MILK. JUST cereal.
Me:
DS: WAHHHHHA. I WANT MILK. NOOOOOOO Mummy. Get Milk.
Me:
DS: WAAAHHH. Raisins. I NEED RAISINS in it. Please.
Me:

ad infinatum with many many situations - getting dressed, chosing clothes, then shoes, then coat, deciding whether to ride his bike or the trike, which park we go to, which cup he drinks from, which apple he has, which side of the stairs I walk down etc.

I think it is about having some control and being able to make his own decisions. Unless it is something important, I don't care which thing he picks. But I always ask him to speak to me nicely. As soon as he realises he will not get what he wants by yelling at me, he asks properly.

Like everything, you have to pick your battles. Decide what matters to you and be consistent.

And repeat madamez's mantra, "This too will pass, this too will pass, this too will pass"

And chocolate.

I think otherside is right - they have no idea how rude they sound.

Sometimes, when DS says, "No, you do it!" I say it back to him in the same tone, he says it back to me and we repeat it until we are both laughing. It helps to avoid a big meltdown. And then he asks nicely and we do it together.

If he wants me to feed him/ dress him/ whatever, I usually do it. I figure he's still young and I know that he can do it and will do it himself at some point. At 3, your DS probably still likes to have things done for him too. But I only have 1 DS and we have not had to deal with any of the things you have all been through recently.

I suspect with the toilet thing it might be best to ignore it but that's easy for me to say when I don't have to clean it up. I am sure it is quite frustrating.

Good luck.

Yes, would echo that this all sounds pretty normal. Do you have any younger children? This could also be a way of attention seeking. Our DS was 3 when DD came along and we saw a definite 'regression' in his behaviour.

Sounds familiar!!

I praise dd loads when she asks nicely and don't let het get away with being rude but they're not called "threenagers" for nothing .

The other thing that can be effective is rather than telling her what to do I try to engineer things so she suggests it herself, eg:

Me - Ooh, look at all this mess!!
Dd - Oh YES!
Me - what are we going to do with all this big mess??
Dd (enthusiastically) - let's tidy it up!

Or if we're going out I'll ask her what we need and turn getting ready into a game.

What with all this and constant questions and "Why....?" I think I earn the odd evening glass of vodka wine.

lol liath here are my ds and dd1 in that situation

me: oooh look at that BIG MESS
dd1: oooh YES. LOOK fillyboy, a BIG MESS
me: what shall we DO with the big mess
ds: well mummy, I think you should clean it up right away or we might trip and hurt ourselves
dd1: fillyboy, lets play cars.
ds: good idea fillygirl
me:

they are 2 and 4

!

Maybe dd is just unusually compliant .

I think I'll be in for a shock when ds is 3!!

oh my god my DS has just started this and he's only 2+8. Please tell me that means it will end early too?!!

had meltdown this morning already because pussycat wouldnt juggle with DS's balls!!!

my DD is 2.4 and jsut like this TBH
she's driving me MAD but I do think it's fairly standard unfortunately

Thanks for all the posts, it does help to know that is it normal and that it will pass
I think it was chipbutty who asked if I have other children, yes, I have a dd of 17 months (who has taken to throwing toys aswell, copying ds and tells me no already lol)
I just needed to know that this is okay, especially after eveything we have been through ... I will now be more mindful of the fact it is a stage and will pass [hopefull emotion]
It's just such hard work huh? Good job I do have wine in the house for tonight ... oh, no chocolate must go and get some in preparation

It sounds like my son who is 28 months old - god - I really hope this will pass before he gets to 3.5, as he's been driving me to distraction recently - although I don't think his behaviour with husband and I has been helped by the arrival of his little sister 4 weeks ago. What I find constantly amazing about toddlers is how they can switch from being funny and angelic into a screaming monster in seconds, and then switch back just as easily.

It will pass, you can a) ignore b) do as they want c) react how they want.

At the moment I go for a combination of a + b. DP likes to go for c. (DD is the same age as your LO).

I would leave the house with her in her PJs if she refused. But being a girl, she likes to get dressed in the morning. In her choice of outfit . We do get a lot of funny looks when we go out.

Grin and bear it, tickle, laugh, do the same back in a jokey way.

As for the peeing thing, I have no useful advice except keep the antibac spray and kitchen roll to hand. DS1 used to do it in the bathroom bin, which is next to the loo. They just do it, and I have no idea why. Sorry, not helpful!

thanks for all the replies, I think ds is probably trying to assert some sort of control or see how far he can push boundries but I do also feel that with the peeing aswel, he wants me to do everything for him again, like he wants to be a baby If dd 17 months does something like throw her food or scream out for no reason ds copies her ... I try to tell him that he is the big boy and should show dd how to behave but he doesn't seem to want this - he is adamant that he can open the fridge get the juice and pour himself a drink or get the (real) hammer and screwdrivers from their "safe" place and fix things but when it comes to getting dressed or putting toys away he doesn't want to know!!
Did have some sort of breakthrough this evening though, he actually helped me tidy up (in his own unique way) but surely it's a start!!

However, last night I heard him get out of bed (about 5 minutes after going to the loo and getting into bed) and going to the bathroom - no problems there - but when I went in there he had taken his pj bottoms off and was standing in the bath peeing!! And today he has again peed on the floor in the downstairs toilet... didn't tell me of course, so when I next went in there the floor was sopping wet AND he had done a poo aswell - I asked him why he had done that and he said because he liked to Am at a loss!

OMG I've got this just around the corner judging by the ages of children in these posts.

Mummy2 have you tried offering lots of "babying" and cuddling? My DS is 4 and I do often see that curious mix of wanting to prove how big and independent he is and wanting to know he is still Mummy's baby. Can you run with both? Endorse the independence but let him be little too ...sing lullabies, cuddle and stroke, tell him he will always be Mummy's darling, feed him now and then if he requests it ...whatever being little means to him. I've tried this at various times when I've been baffled by DS's behaviour and it has mostly helped.